The Daddy Gap Christmas Special!

The Daddy Gap takes an uncensored look at the distress so many fatherless families are in and addresses the question of this generation: “Who’s going to take my dad’s place?”  Full of rich insights and lavish grace, The Daddy Gap helps single parents see how God loves them and wants to heal and restore them. Most of all, it helps to clear a path to help all wounded sons and daughters discover the Father they’ve always wanted and who has always wanted them.

This is a perfect gift for any single parent, church leader, or anyone who desires to know God’s indescribable love for the fatherless. 

Our Christmas promo is $15 (plus tax/shipping).

To order, please call (616) 581-4409 or email afatherswalk@gmail.com

 

Strength in the Weakness

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” –Matt 11:28-30 (NASB)

Maybe it’s just me (probably not though), but there seems to be a lot of heaviness and people who are just “worn out” lately: from work, stress, the upcoming holidays, etc. Being a single parent is definitely no easy task, and our daily burdens may seem to be magnified compared to others. But I think it goes beyond that. Our enemy loves to get us to a place where we become so distracted and worn down that we run ourselves in circles…and eventually right into his traps. (I once heard a man describe “BUSY” as Being Under Satan’s Yoke”)

As we approach into the Christmas season, we can remember one thing for sure: Jesus IS Immanuel: “God with us”. Yes, it may feel like you are constantly pouring out: to others, to your kids, and even to God, but that doesn’t mean He is not with you. Take inventory today of where you may be drying up spiritually and allow Jesus to be the one to refill you. I recently attended a prayer and praise night at my church…and wow! Did I ever need that! I encourage you all today to plug into His rest- in whatever capacity- for there is nothing that can compare and nothing that will fill you like time with the One who knows you best.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA

Because He First Loved Us

As a dad, I’ve never known anything other than being a single father. My daughter’s mom and I were never married and once she got pregnant, things went south very quickly. Over nine years later not much has changed. Sure we have our seasons of peace, but they are few and far between.
 
When she and I first met, I was not the man I am today. I was fresh off a decade-long run of hardcore drug and alcohol addiction. Having been raised in a home without a full-time dad myself, I found myself scraping and searching for answers to this new role of “fatherhood” that I had just entered into. As if that was not enough, there were multiple battles: legally in a courtroom, and verbally everywhere else. I had lost all sense of identity of who God had created me to be.
Through a series of events that began years earlier, I surrendered my life to Jesus when my daughter was about 8 months old. I was baptized a few months later and began the single father ministry the following year. Life had made a tremendous U-turn for me! When my daughter was almost two years old God gave me the courage and humility to talk on the subject of forgiveness with my daughter’s mom. I told her I forgave her for all the wrongs she had committed against me and I asked for her forgiveness too. It was NOT well received!  


Which brings me to today. Having been a follower of Christ for almost 9 years now, I still see some of the consequences of my actions from years ago being played out, but I also have been given a foundation to stand on that cannot be shaken. 1Peter 4:8 tells us that “love covers a multitude of sins.” If you do a word study on the word “love” in that passage, you will find that it can refer to acts such as “good will”, “benevolence”, or “brotherly love”.  To show this sort of love to the other parent helps protect us from a “multitude of sins” in our own lives such as anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness.  


I don’t know where you are with this today, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, our job is not to “keep score” against the other parent (we surely don’t want God doing that with us!). Instead, we should allow Him to help us die to self so that we can pour it into others. They may not deserve it, but neither do we. Yet, the Bible tells us in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (NASB)  When we give Him total access to reign in our hearts and lives, the greater the fruit we will see revealed. I’m speaking from experience here and I know you can too. And believe me, even though many of the trials and frustrations may still linger, the overwhelming joy and peace that comes through our faith shatters these temporary struggles and allows us to be the parents and Christians we were always created to be.


We love, because He first loved us. -1John 4:19 (NASB)

Forgiving Your Ex

“I hate her, mom!” I remember saying those words years ago to my own mom in reference to my daughter’s mother. It was Christmas Eve of 2006 and it was apparent that I was not going to get to see my daughter on her first Christmas. There weren’t any specific court times set regarding holidays, my daughter being only 7 ½ months old at the time. Instead, her mother offered to let me have her for about two hours that evening, which included about an hour and a half drive time round trip. So really, I only got to spend thirty minutes with my little girl that night- trying to get her to open and look at all of her gifts before it was time to go. Before I knew it, we were heading back for me to drop her off.


All I wanted was to be a dad and enjoy Christmas with my daughter; to give her the love I never received on holidays from my own parents. I remember sitting on my bed filled with so much excitement and love towards her, but so much anger towards her mom. I had not surrendered my life to the Lord yet at this point, so this was all being handled in my flesh- quite a dangerous scenario.


A few weeks afterwards, however, I gave my life to Christ. Surprisingly, the first person I prayed for on the altar was my daughter’s mom. I realized how chaotic our relationship (or lack of) was, and if we were going to do this as parents, there needed to be forgiveness. I immediately dove head first into church, was baptized, and began to seek out strong Christian influences. My daughter’s mom and I continued to battle, but as time went on, God was working on softening my heart. I pounded the Scriptures and prayer, and eventually came to a point when I needed to talk with her directly. I told her that I had turned my life around and that I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness too- it was not received well. Close friends of mine encouraged me to lay it down and keep praying for her.


In the years that have followed, not a day goes by that I don’t pray for my daughter and her mom. I have memorized multiple verses that I still have to apply regularly when things get heated between us. I also realize that God expects more of me as a believer and a father. I have learned to let the small things go, hold to a higher standard, and understand that I can only forgive because I have been forgiven for so much first. Sure, it’s a constant process, but I’ve seen blessings abound in every way. It is only in my hope and faith in Christ that I keep pressing forward.

 

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. –Eph 4:32

Note: This was originally published in The Life of a Single Mom’s magazine Overwhelmed in January 2014.

An Antidote to Risky Behaviors

According to WebMD, when families eat together on a regular basis the children are less likely to become overweight, more likely to abstain from risky behaviors such as smoking, drinking, or drugs, and tend to perform better overall academically and socially. Unfortunately, we often allow technology and the busyness of life to creep into a time that should be reserved for family bonding. Believe me, the conviction is rising on this end too even as I type this! If in fact you have caught yourself falling short in this area, adjustments can surely be made. Here are a few quick tips:  

1. The obvious one is to shut off all distractions such as cell phones, TV, tablets, etc… Too much screen time is unhealthy for anyone, and I assure you nothing is going to happen on Facebook that is more important than investing in time with your children. And parents, please take the initiative on this! If they see you checking your phone once in a while then the entire purpose of the time together will be greatly hindered.  
    
2. Open up the conversation. During a recent dinner with my wife and daughter, I began the meal by asking them both something that they did during the week that was productive. As I had hoped, a simple question such as this broke into a few tangents and began a fun and enjoyable conversation. Families that can be open and honest during relaxed times will surely be more likely to share more difficult feelings during challenging times.
    
3. Be prepared to listen! Please don’t turn this into some mundane exercise that you go through and hope for the best results. As the WebMD article above states, your children are more likely to really open up to what is going on in their lives and you may catch something that can be addressed before it becomes more serious. If anything, they will pick up on your genuine interest in listening to what they have to say and that will build their self-esteem and confidence.
    
4. Read some Scripture after dinner. Jesus tells us that “Man shall not live on bread alone, but out of every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.” (Matthew 4:4) In other words, food fills our temporal bodies, but God’s Word fills our spirit! It doesn’t have to be long; a short passage nightly will build a foundation for them for years to come.
    

Whether you are married or doing life as a single parent, making the adjustments to have regular and healthy meals with your kids is too important to pass up. Don’t wait! Let’s bring dinner back to where it belongs: at the dinner table!

 

…Your children will be like vigorous young olive trees as they sit around your table. –Psalm 128:3b (NLT)

Parents, are you intentionally having dinner regularly at the dinner table with your children?


Originally published on August 31, 2015 at www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com.

Back to School, Dads!

Well, school is back (or soon to be back) in session! Summer vacations are winding down and schedules seem to flood back in action like a bursting dam (at least mine does). It is with precautions like this that we fathers need to be especially mindful of our importance in getting involved with our child’s schooling. Whether we are married or doing life as a single parent, study after study has found that fathers play a significant role in their child’s long-term academic success. Depending on the age of your son or daughter and the level to which you can commit to doing school work with them, here are a few quick tips on how to maximize your influence and still get some “Daddy time” in too:

1. Be intentional on setting time apart for school
    
   Know your child’s school schedule and atmosphere. Regularly check the school’s online calendar, get to know his or her teachers and stay in communication with them, and most of all: intentionally set time aside to do homework with your kids. This not only helps with school success, but shows your child that they are your primary focus- which is a tremendous act of love on your part.
    
2. Make time work for you
    
   Speaking from experience as a single father for over 9 years, I know how quickly weekday time can fly by. Plan ahead with dinner and get the important things done first (like homework, projects, etc) before you do play time. I know it may seem like a drag, but our job is to prepare our children to become responsible adults and this is one component of that. Of course, don’t become legalistic over it either. Look for new and creative ways to create opportunities for quality bonding time with them along the way.
    
3. Let your son or daughter know they are loved and affirmed
    
   Yes, we are to lead our children towards success in school and life; but as Paul so beautifully points out in 1Corinthians 13, if we do it without love- we completely miss the point. Always be sure to let your kids know that you love them, even when they fail; and affirm them when you see they are trying their best. This will mean far more to your son or daughter (and last infinitely longer) than any “A” on a test ever could!

Have a wonderful and blessed school year, Dad. And remember, we’re always learning on how to do this fathering thing too!

God in the Gap

Our final guest blogger for this month is my friend Regi Campbell of Radical Mentoring. Mentoring is Biblical, and extremely vital for us to grow as men and as fathers. I pray you take Regi's words to heart; and if you don't have a mentor currently, that you will begin to seek one out soon.


I first became a dad at the age of 23. I was an idiot. Oh, I was married, thought I was a Christian, even helped with the diapers and midnight feedings. But emotionally . . . spiritually . . . I was about as ready to be a dad as a Subaru’s ready to race at Indy.

Ten years later, Jesus found me and I started to grow up. I had found career success but I had lost my wife’s heart and had to win it back. I’m not sure I ever had my kids’ hearts as I never invested enough for long enough to register on their ‘Richter scales.’ But with Jesus living in me, I was now fully alive and in the game! My marriage came back together, my kids and I connected, they each accepted Jesus and were baptized and have pretty much walked with God ever since.

When I poke around about those early years, my kids can’t remember anything bad I did or didn’t do. It’s like God supernaturally filled the ‘father-gap’ while I was ‘missing-in-action.’ I can’t explain it. There’s no rationale short of a supernatural phenomenon. All I know is they feel like they were ‘fathered’ when I was miles away. They never felt alone or abandoned or neglected. They don’t remember the smell of alcohol on my breath or all the nights their mom put them to bed without me. I failed to fulfill my God-given role during those years, yet God filled the gap.

What if God fills the ‘mother-gap’ in your family? I know . . . some of your kids’ moms are around, but so was I back in those days. As I said, I can’t explain it. Don’t know if there’s any way to make it happen other than to ask God in prayer. No way to take a status check along the way. Like most things of God, we experience life prospectively but see God’s hand retrospectively. That’s how I came to see this in my life and family . . . looking back, trying to understand how God did what He did for me while I was (finally) growing up.

I know you want an awesome life for your kids. You wouldn’t be reading this blog if you didn’t. You’re ‘all-in’ as a single dad. You’re giving it all you got and that’s what you should do. Must do. But know there’s an Invisible Hand capable of filling every gap in your family. Walk with Him. Thank Him. Trust Him. Don’t be surprised when you and your kids look back someday and find that your Heavenly Father was filling the gap . . . making complete something you felt wasn’t.

Regi Campbell is the founder of Radical Mentoring, a movement of men and churches who are about mentoring younger leaders in small groups. He has written three books About My Father’s Business – Taking Your Faith to Work , Mentor like Jesus , and What Radical Husbands Do . You can subscribe to his twice-weekly blog posts by clicking here. Regi lives near Atlanta, Georgia with his wife Miriam. They’ve been married for 46 years and 2 adult married kids and 5 grandkids later, they still love each other.

Stepping Up to the Plate

Our third guest blogger this month is my good friend Robyn Besemann of Robyn B Ministries. Robyn has a passion for ministry, including single parent homes. Her radio show "Chained No More" is taking off in a God-sized way and helping to get the message of hope and healing through the Gospel out there. For more information and to download her podcasts, please visit http://www.toginetradio.com/shows/chainednomore.

Are you a single dad?  Do you know men who are single dads?  According to the most recent statistics, at least 24% of single parent households are led by single dads.  That is a huge increase from 1960, when only 1% of all families were led by single dads.

Some contributing factors for the increase in single father households are:


Marked increase in non-marital births main reason for increase in single father households.


Changes in legal system: more opportunities for fathers to gain at least partial custody of the children.


Role of fathers has ‘evolved’.  Fathers used to be looked at merely as the “breadwinner”, but now fathers are being viewed more as a caregiver for the following reasons:

• Public believes that a father’s role is to provide values in children
• Emotional support
• Discipline
• Income support
  Men can be single dads for a variety of reasons, including divorce, separation, death, military deployment of spouse, etc.
• It used to be thought that mothers should be the only one who should have the kids and that fathers were unable to raise children themselves.  There are millions of children and many more adult children who live or lived in fatherless homes and the statistics show a huge impact on our society. Just one is that about 85% of people in prison lived in fatherless homes.  That  is staggering to me.
  Many times, kids have no connection with their dads at all because of the divorce battle between their parents.  Many don’t have a connection because the dad and mom were not married and dad leaves the home and moves on or the mom forced him out.  Many dads are not safe people and have been overtaken by drugs/alcohol, so the children cannot be with them at all.  Wow!  How far we have come from “Father Knows Best”, huh?
  Single dads, I would encourage you to do your best to connect with your kids and do what you can to keep your divorce battle away from them.  Your kids need you.  They need your love, your attention, your time, your advice, your guidance and they need to know that their dad values them.  Step up to the plate, Dads.  Money is secondary to the important things you can teach them about life.
  If you struggle with addictions, find a way to beat them, for the sake of your kids.  If you are in a divorce battle or can’t get along with their mom, take the high road and find a way, for the sake of your kids. If your anger is keeping you away, get some help, for the sake of your kids.  If you are struggling financially and don’t want to pay one more dollar to support them, look into the eyes of your kids and find a way to work something out, for the sake of your kids.  Take the high road, Dads!  Whether you had a great father or not, step up to the plate and be the father your kids need and deserve.  FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR KIDS!!
  Single moms, if you have kept your kids away from their dad or have spoken ill of him, step up to the plate and find a way to put  your own hurt aside, for the sake of your kids.  If he is safe, allow them to have a relationship with him.  Children need a father AND a mother in their lives and they need each for different purposes.  They also need to know where they belong so they don’t have to wander in life trying to fill that void.
  “Honor your father and your mother…”  Matthew 15:4  Dads and moms, become the parents you should be so your kids can obey the Lord and honor you, for the sake of your kids.

Single Parents and Where Do SMART Single Dads Fit In?

Our second guest blogger for the month of August is my good friend James Cruise. James is an amazing man of God, husband, father, and author. His story will surely touch your heart, as will his ministry. For more information please visit http://www.jamescruise.com/.

Do you have a GPS? Of course you do. All smart phones do! Did you notice I said SMART phone.
In order for you to be a SMART single dad and to get where you want to go you must first know where you are at this very moment. Not where you were 30 minutes ago. Not where you were a week ago or a year ago. But right now. You put in your "NOW Location" and your "TO BE Location" and click start. And wa-lah! Your GPS takes you to your wanted location.


I want this article to be your GPS for all you single dads out there. All SMART single dads must know the lay of the land and where they fit in among all the different types of single dads.
I was a single parent dad for over 15 years after my wife died in an automobile accident. I raised my three children from ages five, nine and eleven. Two sons and a daughter. They are now 26, 31 and 33. Between them I have three grandchildren. I am now married to a lovely lady and I have three stepchildren and four step grandchildren. I have been where you are as a single parent dad. I have been there, done that and worn that single dad t-shirt that you are now wearing. It’s not where I wanted to be, but it is where I was. I am sure it’s not where you planned to be or want to be. It’s just where you now are…


Well here we go, entering single dad’s "NOW Location".


Over 15 million single parents


Over 2.5 million single dads


1 out of 6 single parents are single dads


50% of first marriages end in divorce


60% of second marriages end in divorce


65% of second marriages with children end in divorce


70% of third marriages end in divorce


80% of co-habitors that marry divorce


41% of families in U.S. are single parent led


52% of families in my state of Mississippi are single parent led


66% of families in Atlanta, GA are single parent led


39 million children of single parents are unchurched


40% of marriages are second marriages


80% of children over 18 yrs. will leave the church


6.5 million Grandparents are raising grandchildren


60% of babies born are to unwed moms (thus also single dads)


The average marriage lasts 5 years in U.S.


The average time between marriages is 3.5 years in U.S.


75% of all children under age 18 in the U.S. will spend at least some time in a single parent


household

Of children living with one parent:

· 38% live with a divorced parent


· 35% live with a never-married parent


· 19% with a separated parent


· 4% with a widowed parent


· 4% with a parent whose spouse lives elsewhere


As a single parent you’re definitely not alone – not with over 15 million of you out there. You all face similar challenges. Each year the percentage of single parent household’s continues to grow. As you can see single-parent families are a diverse and ever growing segment of our social fabric and not uncommon at all, anymore.


Arriving at your "TO BE Location".


Your "TO BE Location" is to be the best single dad to your children you can possibly be.


As a single parent dad I wanted to be the very best dad to my children I could. I hope your goal, no matter how you became a single dad, is the same as mine was. Our children are not really ours. They are a gift from God. Given in trust to us to raise and train as they grow and mature.
No matter your situation or your physical location to your children, you are called to "Man-up", "Put on your big boy pants", "be a real man" and a "real dad" to your children. A real dad is not a perfect dad, but an involved dad. My life as a single dad was a juggling act. Jugglers drop things, and so did I. So will you. No big deal. Just stay as involved as you can possibly be with your children in your particular situation. No excuses, just finding ways to stay active in your children’s lives.


I just got back from a long trip to Pensacola. Yep, used my GPS. Knew where I was when I started and knew where I wanted to end up. Had a few rough stretches, almost made a wrong turn or two. Had to adjust on the fly. Arrived safe and sound at my "TO BE Location – my oldest son’s home". Yep – I’m still trying to be the best, most involved dad I can be.
My hope and prayer for you is that you will reap the many, many rewards that come with being the best single parent dad you can be. Love them, hug them and stay involved in your children’s lives. That is what real life is all about.


"When I am old and gray, judge me as a father by the number of times I said, "I love you," and how often I was able to say, "I’m sorry." -Richard Zmuda




Learn more about James Cruise at James Cruise Ministries


www.jamescruise.com

Becoming Fathers

It's time for our annual "Guest Blogger Month"! Once again we have some amazing authors and ministry leaders from all over the nation sharing their wisdom and hearts when it comes to single parenting and fatherhood. Leading off this week is my good friend Misty Honnold of The Single Mom KC. For more information on Misty and the ministry, please visit http://www.thesinglemomkc.org/.

I was moved to tears today as I read Paul’s words to Timothy:  “To Timothy, my true child in the faith”. I began to wonder if I was able to say this about any of the young men or women in my life “my true child in the faith”.  Was I even able to make that bold confession about my own children?  I realized it was time for a heart check and see if I was living as the parent I was created to be. Revealing the love of the Father to my children and those around me.

 

Somewhere I have seemed to drift off the path of purpose. I have become busy with ministry, launching my children well and I have somehow forgotten that I am a mother, one who carries the heart of the Father and this passage jolted me awake.

 

I have to pause and ask:  As a mother am I living my life in a way that I want sons and daughters to emulate? Am I raising up children in the faith to know and love Jesus?

 

Our greatest goal in life should be the same as that of Jesus…to show a hurting world the extravagant, sacrificial love of the Father. Are we succeeding? Or are our lives too busy? Are we filled with anger, unforgiveness and sadness to the point that we are unable to show our children this abandon love that the Father displays through His Son Jesus?

 

Paul unashamedly told his disciples and the church to follow in his footsteps,

1 Corinthians 11: 1

Pattern yourselves after me (follow my example) as I imitate and follow Christ.

 

Philippians 3:17

Brethren, together follow my example and observe those who live after the pattern we have set for you.

 

1 Corinthians 4:15-16

You should have ten thousand teachers (guides to direct you) in Christ, yet you do not have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus…So I urge and implore you, be imitators of me.

 

There is something profound in the reality that we as parents should be ‘imploring’ our children to follow our example.

 

When I first happened on to verses like these, I wanted to run and hide. I did not feel adequate to lead my own children, let alone others. But as Paul so quickly points out…follow me as I follow Christ.  If I am not following Christ, walking the way He walked I should not want my children or others to follow me.

 

What do the steps of following Christ look like?

 

ASK

First we have to BELIEVE with are heart and SAY with our mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord. Yes we have to accept what He did on the cross to save us and ASK for His forgiveness so that we enter into the family of God. 

 

Have you ASKED Him to forgive you of your sins and to be Lord of your life?

 

SEEK

The next thing we should do if we truly want to be fathers and mothers, is begin to look at how Jesus lived. Open your bible and study how the Father displays Himself through the man Jesus.  Jesus is the “exact representation of God the Father” (Hebrews 1:3)

When Philip said “show us the Father,” I believe that Jesus, with tears brimming over replied, “Have I been so long with you, and yet you have not come to know Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father”.  (John 14:8-9)

 

Therefore, if we want our children to know the Father and to know His voice, we must be willing to SEEK the knowledge of the Father and get to know Him, so that we can lead our children to Him…and Jesus shows us who He is.

 

So SEEK the Father by studying the Son.   

 

KNOCK

And don’t stop with seeking who the Father is, what He is like and how He loves…KNOCK on the doors of heaven in the place of prayer. His promise is that the doors will be open. We have access to freedom from old patterns of behavior, we have freedom from bitterness and anger; we have freedom from fits of rage, depression, and abuse. Yes, this freedom is ours, given freely by God but we must knock on the doors of heaven and as the doors open walk into those places of freedom.

 

Let’s commit together to show the Father to our sons and daughters. Let’s raise up a generation of men and women who know the Father’s voice and live out the “plans He has for them” (Jeremiah 29:11)

August is Guest Blogger Month!

Once again, we will be featuring a great lineup of writers from around the nation for our annual August guest blogger month. This year's lineup includes:


Robyn Besemann of Robyn B Ministries


James Cruise of James Cruise Ministries


Misty Honnold of The Single Mom KC


And a representative from the National Coalition of Men's Ministries (NCMM)


Until then, we are on a sabbatical for the month of July and will return next month!

The Love-Hate List of a Single Father

Here is a repeat of a blog I wrote last year, updated just a touch since then:

Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name. –Hebrews 13:15 (NKJV)

            I recently read a post by fellow Christian author Elisabeth Klein entitled What I Hate & Love about Being Divorced. In short, Elisabeth compiled a brief, yet fully packed, list of the pro’s and con’s (as she points out─ the “love” portion is used loosely in regards to being divorced) of living as a divorced and single mother. Well, I’ve had “one of those weeks” myself when it comes to co-parenting, finances, work overload, and trying to keep it all together as a leader and a father. Thus, Elisabeth’s post sparked a thought of my own as to what I could consider the things I love and hate (I prefer “dislike”) about being a single dad. So, here goes:

Dislikes:

*Not seeing my daughter every day

*Not being able to just pick up the phone and call her any time I want

*She doesn’t have my last name

*Mom treats me like a second-class citizen rather than as our daughter’s father

*I feel like she thinks the rules (court order) don’t apply to her

*My daughter calls both me AND her step father “Dad”

*The generally accepted (and often validated) idea that dads get the short end in custody and divorce cases, no matter how “fit and willing” they may be

*I support my daughter’s relationship with her mom and stepdad, but I don’t think it goes both ways

*Even though I have it rough occasionally, I often see other single dads go through worse

*The anxiety of having to deal with nonsense and illogic, and how it seems to creep up out of nowhere sometimes

*I need to go through my daughter’s teacher just to be filled in on school stuff

*I have to call the doctor’s office to find out when the next appointment is

*The fact that I sometimes allow the busyness of life affect my precious time with my daughter

*Trying to co-parent through texts and emails as opposed to talking civilly face to face

*Saying goodbye to my daughter after a concert or game…as she goes one way and I go the other

*Not knowing if I will ever be able to have more kids, because I’m not sure if I will ever be married

*(This can apply for any unequally yoked relationship): Staying in the Spirit and holding to a higher standard when dealing with others who don’t operate on the same level as we do

*Holidays or weekends with no significant other…especially when I don’t have my daughter on those days either

*Not seeing my daughter every holiday or birthday

*Wishing I had “known what I know now” so I hadn’t put myself or her in this situation

Love:

*Being a Dad is one of the greatest gifts EVER!

*I am active and completely involved in my daughter’s life

*Despite her having to share her with a stepdad I don’t know very well, our relationship keeps growing stronger and stronger and I cherish my role as her father

*(Tailing off the above comment): When we are lying in bed at night and she says in her adorable little voice, “Did you know you’re the best daddy in the whole world?”

*Through Christ, I have been able to overcome and/or deal with some of the trials listed above

*I know a good portion of how she will view herself as an adult comes through my relationship with her now

*Me being active in her schooling will only reap positive results

*When we are walking through a parking lot and her little hand reaches up to hold mine

*When I do have her, I make the time count (to the best of my ability)

*I still get to do all of the “Dad things”: Rough-housing, playing, conferences, homework, concerts and games, movies, daddy/daughter “date nights” (an especially valued benefit), paint her room, show her how to do certain tasks, etc…

*God has given me the heart and ability to lead other single fathers in Christ

*I realize being a Dad is FOR LIFE…not just ‘til she’s 18

*I get to take my daughter to church on the weekends I have her

*I get to pray with her each time we are together

*Watching her grow through all the different phases of life; and the fact I appreciate it all

*Though I may stumble as a dad, I know I won’t ever fall…because my Father is perfect, and He is all I need to lead her

*Realizing that she doesn’t belong to me….I just get to steward her for greater purposes

*I believe being a dad is included in Jesus’ promise of “life abundantly” in John 10:10

*I have witnessed how God has changed the lineage of generational curses I came from and transformed it into generational blessings that is now being passed into my daughter

*She gave her life to Christ at age 6! (Note the above point)

            I know this may not sit right with our egos fellas, but check this out: When the going gets tough, the “tough” need to hit their knees and go straight to God. That may not be in the Bible, but it IS scriptural! Hold fast to His promises in your life today and be sure to thank Him daily for the blessings He constantly bestows on each one of us.

Blessed be the Lord, who daily loads us with benefits… -Psalm 68:19

Why Single Fathers Matter

According to the Pew Research Center, there were approximately 300,000 single father households in 1960; today there are around 2.6 million. Still, this only accounts for 17% of all custodial parents in single parent homes. If we really want to broaden the spectrum, we can make a strong case that a “single father” is any man who is involved or wants to be involved in his children’s lives. Case and point: in our latest YouTube video you may notice none of the dads in the video were ever married and none are the custodial parent. But that doesn’t rule them out as the father, does it? Not at all! Without taking away from the amazing men who are already parenting as a one-man team, this approach greatly expands the mission field and our ability to relate with more dads- whether or not he is the custodial parent.

Research around the globe is consistent: when fathers are involved in the lives of their children (full or part-time), those children overall perform significantly better cognitively, emotionally, socially, and academically than those without involved dads. As we here at A Father’s Walk have said time and time again: If we want to stop the bleeding in this nation when it comes to crime, teen pregnancy and suicide, substance abuse, divorce, and so on…then we MUST get to the dads! Over the years our small group has seen men who have risen above and beyond as fathers despite overwhelming obstacles: everything from terminal diseases to felonies; but now are thriving as parents and spiritual leaders. There is a story of one single dad who joined the group before he even became a father- because he wanted to be prepared when his daughter was born! Today, that dad is just like a sponge: soaking up every bit of information he can on how to grow as a man and as a father. Others have voluntarily checked themselves into rehab to help overcome addictions; continued to support their children’s relationship with their mom- despite her leaving the family; and so on. Simply put, these single dads are doing what is necessary for the overall benefit of their families. Oh, if only ALL dads could rise like some of these men have!

It is with great encouragement this Father’s Day that we can recognize and celebrate such men. Jesus tells us in John 15:13 that “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (NASB) In a nation that is still experiencing the heartache and devastation of fatherlessness, we can rejoice and praise the Lord for fathers who do lay down their lives for their children’s sake. Single parenthood is still on the rise, but there is hope ahead. Organizations, churches, neighborhoods across the nation (and even the media) are really beginning to shine a positive light on fatherhood. The Fatherhood CoMission (of which AFW is a part of) has a new campaign entitled “Honor Your Father”. Their website www.honoryourfathertoday.com has plenty of tremendous resources to assist all of us to honor our own dads, honor fatherhood, and to grow as fathers ourselves. The Bible tells us in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”. (NASB)  God has put a very specific admonishment on dads as the spiritual leaders of their families. Single fathers are no exception to this and our children need this sort of godly influence like never before. This Father’s Day, we encourage you to celebrate the men who are answering the Lord’s call to raise their children in Christ. Even if that isn’t immediately evident in the life of a single dad you may know, then now is a great opportunity to introduce the saving grace of Jesus into his life. Remember, look for the potential, not the flaws. When we begin to view single fathers as the priceless investments that they are, we catch another glimpse of how God works through the most difficult of circumstances to fulfill some of His greatest testimonies.

Ice Cream and Adjustments: Balancing Good Health

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. -3John2

From the supernatural to the natural, we should always be mindful to be good stewards of our bodies (1Cor 3:16, 6:19-20). I was a personal trainer for about five years and I have seen firsthand the positive effects a balanced diet and regular exercise can produce. Mind you, this was back in my younger years- before I became a father myself and when my schedule could still be classified as “moderate” as far as busyness goes. I often had clients tell me tales of how hard it was to eat healthy on the fly and that they would munch on their children’s snack foods simply because it was in the house. Excuses, excuses! I would think to myself, justifying they needed to be more disciplined and get serious about their training. Although there is SOME truth to that, how quickly I experienced all of the above once I became a father myself! It’s rather humorous now: my daughter will come over for a weekend and we will pick up some ice cream on Friday evening. Typically we don’t finish it all before it is time for her to go back to her mom’s on Sunday. She always asks me to save her some until she comes back Tuesday afternoon. I usually give her some sort of goofy reply such as, “I will try, but I can’t guarantee it will be here by then”…followed by a big grin and a wink.

Ice cream and kidding aside, we do need to be mindful of our physical health. I am a huge advocate for regular exercise and a healthy diet; plus the stewardship of our musculoskeletal and immune systems. This past week I was very blessed to receive an email from Dr. Paul Kaminski of Kaminski Chiropractic here in Grand Rapids, MI. Dr. Paul has a fairly new practice in our area and as a way of making a strong impact in our community he will be making a generous donation to A Father’s Walk for each new client he sees the entire month of June! If you are looking for a professional and community-minded source for pediatric development and adult wellness, then please give Dr. Paul a call today and set up your first appointment. Even if you live outside of the greater Grand Rapids area, please be sure to take care of your body for you and your children’s sake. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is ourselves; and the healthier we are overall the greater quality of life we will be able to experience with them. And that, guys, is something to get excited about…even more than ice cream!

Focus on Issues: The Daddy Gap

Please feel free to watch this 30 minute program on single parents, fatherless children, and organizations that are making a difference when it comes to ministering to these families. You can view the entire program here:

http://www.grcmc.org/grtv/node/8060/focus-on-issues---the-daddy-gap

How Single Dads Can Help Their Children Celebrate Mother's Day

I got to help my daughter celebrate Mother’s Day with her mom for about five years before she got married. Although I can’t put a finger on any specific gifts or cards we gave her, I know we always did something. Regardless of what sort of terms Mom and I were on any given year, I was fortunate enough to recognize the teaching moments these presented- to both my daughter and I.  

What we are teaching our children

One of my favorite fatherhood quotes is by Clarence B. Kelland. He said, “My father didn’t tell me how to live. He lived and let me watch him do it.” Our kids don’t always need to know what is going on between their mother and us; they just want to have fun and love on both of their parents equally. When we help them make Mom a card for Mother’s Day or go with them to pick out a gift (which is from them, but purchased with our money), we are teaching our sons the invaluable lesson of respecting women and we are telling our daughters (who usually end up marrying someone like their father) that they are worthy and should be treated as so. Most importantly, we are spending quality time and helping them to love their mom. I would say in most cases this is a win-win.

What we are teaching ourselves

I have no idea where you and your child’s mother stand as co-parents. Perhaps everything is civil and running smooth; or maybe you are about as far in the opposite direction as you can possibly be. Either way you have a great opportunity right before you to grow as a person and as a father. By engaging with your kids in something that you really don’t have to do is a great example of humility and kindness- neither of which we men should be ashamed of. Putting your personal feelings aside for the sake of your children is a portrayal of selflessness and unconditional love. You are saying to your kids, “I love you so much, and what is important to you is important to me, no matter what.” This is not a sign of weakness, but rather, one of tremendous strength!

What this means in the long run

The Bible tells us in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” You may not consider your ex a “friend” per say, but I bet you consider your son or daughter much more than that! Think of it in that regard: by dying to yourself in order to love your children more, you are setting an example of perfect love. 1John 4:19 says, “We love, because He first loved us.” When we can truly grasp the magnitude of how much God has done for us, then it only becomes natural for it to flow into other areas of our lives. Even if you are doing it just for them, helping your kids honor their mom this Mother’s Day will have a greater impact than you may know. When it’s all said and done, your children will have a great day and you will have grown as a father and as a role model- both of which this world desperately needs more of!

It isn’t the big pleasures that count the most; it is making a great deal out of the little ones. -Annonymous

Becasue He First Loved Us

As a dad, I’ve never known anything other than being a single father. My daughter’s mom and I were never married and once she got pregnant, things went south very quickly. Over nine years later not much has changed. Sure we have our seasons of peace, but they are few and far between; and my current circumstances have brought on new levels of frustration.

When she and I first met, I was not the man I am today. I was fresh off a decade-long run of hardcore drug and alcohol addiction. Having been raised in a home without a full-time dad myself, I found myself scraping and searching for answers to this new role of “fatherhood” that I had just entered into. As if that was not enough, there were multiple battles: legally in a courtroom, and verbally everywhere else. I had lost all sense of identity of who God had created me to be.

Through a series of events that began years earlier, I surrendered my life to Jesus when my daughter was about 8 months old. I was baptized a few months later and began the single father ministry the following year. Life had made a tremendous U-turn for me! When my daughter was almost two years old God gave me the courage and humility to talk on the subject of forgiveness with my daughter’s mom. I told her I forgave her for all the wrongs she had committed against me
and I asked for her forgiveness too. It was NOT well received!  

Which brings me to today. Having been a follower of Christ for over 8 years now, I still see some of the consequences of my actions from years ago still being played out, but I also have been given a foundation that cannot be shaken to stand on. 1Peter 4:8 tells us that “love covers a multitude of sins.” If you do a word study on the word “love” in that passage, you will find that it can refer to acts such as “good will”, “benevolence”, or “brotherly love”.  To show this sort of love to the other parent helps protect us from a “multitude of sins” in our own lives such as anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness.  

I don’t know where you are with this today, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, our job is not to “keep score” against the other parent (we surely don’t want God doing that with us!). Instead, we should allow Him to help us die to self so that we can pour it into others. They may not deserve it, but neither do we. Yet, the Bible tells us in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (NASB)  When we give Him total access to reign in our hearts and lives, the greater the fruit we will see revealed. I’m speaking from experience here and I know you can too. And believe me, even though many of the trials and frustrations may still linger, the overwhelming joy and peace that comes through our faith shatters through these temporary struggles and allows us to be the parents and Christians we were always created to be.

We love, because He first loved us. -1John 4:19 (NASB)

Originally posted on March 24, 2015 at http://thesinglemomkc.org/blog/because-he-first-loved-us/