Because He First Loved Us

As a dad, I’ve never known anything other than being a single father. My daughter’s mom and I were never married and once she got pregnant, things went south very quickly. Over nine years later not much has changed. Sure we have our seasons of peace, but they are few and far between.
 
When she and I first met, I was not the man I am today. I was fresh off a decade-long run of hardcore drug and alcohol addiction. Having been raised in a home without a full-time dad myself, I found myself scraping and searching for answers to this new role of “fatherhood” that I had just entered into. As if that was not enough, there were multiple battles: legally in a courtroom, and verbally everywhere else. I had lost all sense of identity of who God had created me to be.
Through a series of events that began years earlier, I surrendered my life to Jesus when my daughter was about 8 months old. I was baptized a few months later and began the single father ministry the following year. Life had made a tremendous U-turn for me! When my daughter was almost two years old God gave me the courage and humility to talk on the subject of forgiveness with my daughter’s mom. I told her I forgave her for all the wrongs she had committed against me and I asked for her forgiveness too. It was NOT well received!  


Which brings me to today. Having been a follower of Christ for almost 9 years now, I still see some of the consequences of my actions from years ago being played out, but I also have been given a foundation to stand on that cannot be shaken. 1Peter 4:8 tells us that “love covers a multitude of sins.” If you do a word study on the word “love” in that passage, you will find that it can refer to acts such as “good will”, “benevolence”, or “brotherly love”.  To show this sort of love to the other parent helps protect us from a “multitude of sins” in our own lives such as anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness.  


I don’t know where you are with this today, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, our job is not to “keep score” against the other parent (we surely don’t want God doing that with us!). Instead, we should allow Him to help us die to self so that we can pour it into others. They may not deserve it, but neither do we. Yet, the Bible tells us in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (NASB)  When we give Him total access to reign in our hearts and lives, the greater the fruit we will see revealed. I’m speaking from experience here and I know you can too. And believe me, even though many of the trials and frustrations may still linger, the overwhelming joy and peace that comes through our faith shatters these temporary struggles and allows us to be the parents and Christians we were always created to be.


We love, because He first loved us. -1John 4:19 (NASB)

Forgiving Your Ex

“I hate her, mom!” I remember saying those words years ago to my own mom in reference to my daughter’s mother. It was Christmas Eve of 2006 and it was apparent that I was not going to get to see my daughter on her first Christmas. There weren’t any specific court times set regarding holidays, my daughter being only 7 ½ months old at the time. Instead, her mother offered to let me have her for about two hours that evening, which included about an hour and a half drive time round trip. So really, I only got to spend thirty minutes with my little girl that night- trying to get her to open and look at all of her gifts before it was time to go. Before I knew it, we were heading back for me to drop her off.


All I wanted was to be a dad and enjoy Christmas with my daughter; to give her the love I never received on holidays from my own parents. I remember sitting on my bed filled with so much excitement and love towards her, but so much anger towards her mom. I had not surrendered my life to the Lord yet at this point, so this was all being handled in my flesh- quite a dangerous scenario.


A few weeks afterwards, however, I gave my life to Christ. Surprisingly, the first person I prayed for on the altar was my daughter’s mom. I realized how chaotic our relationship (or lack of) was, and if we were going to do this as parents, there needed to be forgiveness. I immediately dove head first into church, was baptized, and began to seek out strong Christian influences. My daughter’s mom and I continued to battle, but as time went on, God was working on softening my heart. I pounded the Scriptures and prayer, and eventually came to a point when I needed to talk with her directly. I told her that I had turned my life around and that I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness too- it was not received well. Close friends of mine encouraged me to lay it down and keep praying for her.


In the years that have followed, not a day goes by that I don’t pray for my daughter and her mom. I have memorized multiple verses that I still have to apply regularly when things get heated between us. I also realize that God expects more of me as a believer and a father. I have learned to let the small things go, hold to a higher standard, and understand that I can only forgive because I have been forgiven for so much first. Sure, it’s a constant process, but I’ve seen blessings abound in every way. It is only in my hope and faith in Christ that I keep pressing forward.

 

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. –Eph 4:32

Note: This was originally published in The Life of a Single Mom’s magazine Overwhelmed in January 2014.