“I hate her, mom!” I remember saying those words years ago to my own mom in reference to my daughter’s mother. It was Christmas Eve of 2006 and it was apparent that I was not going to get to see my daughter on her first Christmas. There weren’t any specific court times set regarding holidays, my daughter being only 7 ½ months old at the time. Instead, her mother offered to let me have her for about two hours that evening, which included about an hour and a half drive time round trip. So really, I only got to spend thirty minutes with my little girl that night- trying to get her to open and look at all of her gifts before it was time to go. Before I knew it, we were heading back for me to drop her off.
All I wanted was to be a dad and enjoy Christmas with my daughter; to give her the love I never received on holidays from my own parents. I remember sitting on my bed filled with so much excitement and love towards her, but so much anger towards her mom. I had not surrendered my life to the Lord yet at this point, so this was all being handled in my flesh- quite a dangerous scenario.
A few weeks afterwards, however, I gave my life to Christ. Surprisingly, the first person I prayed for on the altar was my daughter’s mom. I realized how chaotic our relationship (or lack of) was, and if we were going to do this as parents, there needed to be forgiveness. I immediately dove head first into church, was baptized, and began to seek out strong Christian influences. My daughter’s mom and I continued to battle, but as time went on, God was working on softening my heart. I pounded the Scriptures and prayer, and eventually came to a point when I needed to talk with her directly. I told her that I had turned my life around and that I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness too- it was not received well. Close friends of mine encouraged me to lay it down and keep praying for her.
In the years that have followed, not a day goes by that I don’t pray for my daughter and her mom. I have memorized multiple verses that I still have to apply regularly when things get heated between us. I also realize that God expects more of me as a believer and a father. I have learned to let the small things go, hold to a higher standard, and understand that I can only forgive because I have been forgiven for so much first. Sure, it’s a constant process, but I’ve seen blessings abound in every way. It is only in my hope and faith in Christ that I keep pressing forward.
Note: This was originally published in The Life of a Single Mom’s
magazine Overwhelmed in January 2014.
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