Dads of Daughters on Valentine's Day

My wife is the bomb!
    

I love reminding her she is the most important person in the world to me. Valentine's Day is one of the times I can show her all day long. But why is it my mind also drifts toward my three girls on V Day? 

My eldest daughter is grown and lives three states away from me. I have two more daughters still at home. Yet each Valentine's Day my heart is drawn to show them affection as well.
  
I think it's because of an unbreakable connection a girl and a daddy share. Even abusive dads who have done horrible things to their kids have this connection (however damaged) that girls can never sever as hard as they try.
    
That's why we dads—especially if divorce touched our family—must carefully steward that rope that is forever connected to our daughter's heart.
    
I often fail to do this well. Just being male brings misunderstandings between us. I bark orders that, to me, are just observations or requests. Like a coach that spurs on his team. I don’t expect anyone to take it personal.

"Let's go! Comb your hair, get your shoes on, you're gonna be late. Watch the clock. Why are you staring out the window? Get going!"

I'm just asking questions and making observations. I'm not angry, nor do I have anything against them.

What my girls often hear is a prison sergeant hissing out angry oppressive accusations.

(Heavy sigh). Girls are so sensitive.

So when Valentine's Day approaches, I want to show them how loved they are. I want to let them know how crazy I am about them. They are all intelligent, clever, and beautiful young ladies that have to ability to transform this world. I'm proud to be connected to them.

What better time to show this than V Day. Of course I never want to place my girls in a position of replacing the romantic relationship I can only find with a wife. Putting them in that role is unhealthy and a little weird. Yet I see a lot of single parents do this. That is dysfunctional and unfair to the child, but that's a topic for another day.

What I'm talking about is buying a cute stuffed bear or some candy hearts for your little girl. Or if she's older, a nice card. Until she's finally married off, she must know that YOU are her knight in shining armor. Your extravagant affection might just keep your young teen from looking elsewhere for love.

For the record, it's my belief that after your daughter is married, her husband should be the one filling those needs. It's time for Dad to step back and let Mr. Right do his job.

So what ways do you model how precious your daughter is? Comment below and share how you have trained your daughter what to expect from a man—how they should be honored and loved. 

 

Tez Brooks is the author of The Single Dad Detour and director of Every Single Dad ministry. For more information, please visit http://www.everysingledad.com.   

Steve Repak's 6 Week Money Challenge for Your Personal Finances

Did you know that financial matters are mentioned in the Bible more often than prayer, healing, or mercy? Fifteen percent of everything Jesus taught was on the topic of money and possessions—more than his teachings on heaven and hell combined.


Why would the Bible give so much attention to money when Matthew 6:33 assures us that we don’t need to focus on worldly matters such as our bank balance? It says that so long as we seek the kingdom of God, we have nothing to worry about. Yet the sad truth is that most people are only one paycheck away from a financial disaster, and too many of us are consumed by money worries. If you sometimes catch yourself spending more time stressing about money than growing your relationship with God, you are not alone. Though the Bible tells us to place our trust in our eternal security, all too often our attention is focused on concerns about our temporary security.

A little about me: After I graduated high school, I decided to join the Army. When I completed basic training, it was the first time I saw real money. I took home about $700 every two weeks. The ironic part is that while my clothes, housing, and food were paid for by the military, I would always find myself with no money in the bank. I thought that buying a bunch of stuff would make up for all the things I had to go without when I was a child. After about a year in the Army, I got my first credit card. I don’t think the ink was even dry on the back of the card when I already had it maxed out.

I was promoted to Private First Class. A higher rank meant a higher salary, and that higher salary afforded me the opportunity to get another credit card. Soon after, I had that credit card maxed out. You might be thinking to yourself that I would eventually catch on, but the cycle continued to repeat. I would get promoted, make more money, get another credit card, and max it out. As long as I could make the minimum payments, I thought I had a handle on my credit card debt. I told myself that the next time I got promoted I would have enough money to pay off my credit cards. I’m sorry to say that when I left the Army after twelve years, financially all I had to show for it was $32,000 of credit card debt.

Now comes the best part! God opened a door for me in finance. I hadn’t planned on a finance career, but one of the contacts I had made in the Army saw a talent in me that I hadn’t yet discovered. Through that contact, I became an investment representative for a national broker-dealer in El Paso, Texas. There I was, fresh out of the Army, $32,000 in credit card debt, with nothing in savings or put away for retirement, and my job was to help other people with their finances. Using Biblical principles I was able to completely eradicate all of the debt. Later on, I authored a book to help others overcome financial debt:

 

Week 1 is one of the most important parts of the book because it lays the biblical foundations of personal finance. You will learn what God says about money and how much you should give of your time and of your financial resources.

Week 2 is all about spending. It is very important to take control of your spending because your spending affects your savings, credit, and retirement needs.

Week 3 is where you will learn how to put together a plan for reducing and eventually getting out of debt. It also provides advice on smart ways to improve your credit score.

Week 4 covers short-term savings and the basics of investing, including how to determine your savings and investment goals, and the different types of investment risks.

Week 5 looks at the important financial documents you should have in place—such as wills and powers of attorney—and touches on life insurance.

Week 6 is your chance to review everything you have learned. You will conduct an assessment to see what you have been doing well and which areas you need to continue working on.

Some of the chapters might be more challenging than others, just as in life some things are harder than others. The key is that you can’t grow unless you challenge yourself.  For some of you, what you are about to read may not be new—but it will serve as a great refresher.  I ask you to spend some time, be willing to make some sacrifices, and constantly pray for strength and guidance from God because I believe your finances, your relationships, your life, and whatever else is important to you will be everything you ever dreamed of if you do it God’s way.

 

Steve Repak, Certified Financial Planner™, Financial Literacy Speaker, Army Veteran, and the Author of 6 Week Money Challenge: For Your Personal Finances.

www.steverepak.com

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Can Moms And Dads Learn To Be Sons?

My world was disrupted a few years ago when I joined a new church fellowship and heard the pastor and others speak about God the Father as ‘Daddy God’. I was offended with the seemingly casualness of their relationship with the Father. My pastor described how he used to climb into bed with his toddler daughter, and she would have to fall asleep with him face to face, but she always wanted her mommy. The story unfolded as one night his daughter looked him in the face, clutching his hair and said “Daddy, I choose you.”   

Although this story offended my mind, I would weep with the pursuit of this daddy for the heart of his beloved daughter. My dad had never pursued me; he was an alcoholic and abused my mom. My ex-husband never pursued my children. There was a little girl inside of me created to be relentless pursued by Daddy God and He offended my mind to reveal my heart.

I thought I had ‘gotten it’. I had raised 4 children to KNOW the voice of the Father, imparting a love for the Father, turning and asking advice from the Father. But as I reflected on this Daddy’s Delightful heart, and relentless pursuit; I knew I had missed a very key component of who God was and He wanted to take me on a journey.

I had been down a similar path before, many times. But the most profound was when I went through my divorce and God began to speak to me about being my Husband. Again, great offense was taken as He highlighted scripture passages about being my Husband. I reluctantly said yes to His invitation and went on the most incredible journey of restoration and hope as bit by bit He broke through the hard, broken pieces of my shattered heart. He not only restored my heart, He built a solid foundation from which I will forever live my life on…a foundation of LOVE.  

 

The adventure into sonship has been no different. Apparently, from Heaven’s perspective, there was a gaping hole in my life called “who are you as beloved daughter?” And as the Holy Spirit highlighted this by showing me the offense in my heart, I determined to jump into the river of His Delight, and discover yet another deep truth of Abba’s love.

As I reflect on these adventures, I realize that the Lord lovingly takes me through similar steps to reveal His heart to me, and root me and ground me in the knowledge of His love.

·        I realize a void in my life. Maybe I am in continual crisis and I need Him as my Shalom. When I was fighting in court for custody of my children I needed Him to show Himself as the Righteous Judge. Over and over, the spaces in my life are invitations for the Lord to make His name known.

·        I begin to explore His attributes. I might do a word search on Provider, or Judge. Or as in the case with Jesus as the Bridegroom, I spent 4 years of my life studying, prayer journaling, and meditating on a whole book of the bible: The Song of Solomon. 

·        I PRAY. Prayer for me is a 2-way dialogue. I talk to my Daddy about what I feel, oftentimes I will get images or pictures of past events, or my imagination kicks in and I use it to encounter an approachable God.

·        I use the language that I am stumbling over. I begin to add the words to my vocabulary. This has had a powerful impact on my life. I am working the reality into my heart by using my words to establish the truth and my heart and actions begin to follow.

·        I study others who carry this revelation. In the case of sonship, I watched children run to their daddy’s, I watched dads sweep their little girls in their arms, I even watched some YouTube videos with good and not so good dads. All of this helped me sort through my paradigm of Daddy.

·        I looked at JESUS…the Son who is the EXACT representation of the Father. Jesus and the Father are one. By studying His character, His response to the hurt and broken, His passion as Abba, I began to connect deeper to the heart of my Daddy.

All of this helped me trust the intimacy of who Daddy is. All of this helped me begin to walk as a daughter, a beloved, adored, treasured daughter. This helped me accept my Dad’s jealousy over me and trust His leadership. It has helped me in my relationship with my adult children. Understanding the heart of Daddy God empowers me to represent my Dad here on earth better. And, if Jesus, the firstborn Son came to represent the Father, shouldn’t that be my mission on earth too? I want to represent my Daddy well and I cannot do that if I don’t know Him.

So, have you met Daddy God? Whether you are a father or mother, do you comprehend God’s Delight in you as a son or daughter?

As a single parent, our focus is on parenting well; but what abundant joy we can impart to our kids from the place of being the Beloved!  He is wooing us all into a deeper knowledge of this love…Can you hear the whisper of the Lord, “who will run with me?”

Misty Honnold is the founder and director of The Single Mom KC, an author for various websites, and speaker on multiple single parenting topics. For more information, please visit http://thesinglemomkc.org.

A New Kind of Reconciliation With a Former Spouse

Our first guest blogger this month is a very close friend of mine. Clare DeGraff has been a spiritual mentor for hundreds of men, including me. He is also a friend, brother in Christ, and a truly genuine representation of a Christ-follower. I pray you are blessed by his words here. –Matt

Almost every divorced Christian I know cannot imagine reconciling with their former spouse.  So much hurt, so many bitter words and fights. “Clare, why would I take that risk and jump back into that snake pit again?”

Not only are there those risks, but in most cases one or both of the spouses have remarried.  “So, Clare even if I wanted to reconcile with my ex it is impossible.”

Surprisingly, it isn’t.  At least, not the kind of reconciliation I’m encouraging.

So what follows is the advice I gave to a divorced man recently that you may want to pass on to a divorced friend, or anyone at odds with another believer.

Webster defines reconcile this way; “to cause people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement.”

The Bible says this, “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” - Luke 6:27,28

 

Reconciling with your “ex”

While you may be legally divorced from your former spouse, if he/she is a believer they are still your spiritual brother and sister.  And it is the will of God that we live reconciled to one another and in peace.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.” -2Corinthians 13:11

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,”  -Galatians 5:22

Peace is not only one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, but we’re to use all of our spiritual gifts to bring about peace.

Continuing my conversation with this man, “You’re not only expected to make an effort to live at peace with your ‘ex,’ it’s to your advantage to do so;” Why?

 

First, it’s a testimony to the power of the Holy Spirit to your children.

If you have children, for the rest of your life, you and your ex will have to negotiate holidays, weddings, birthdays, graduation and special events, even those of your grandchildren.  What a wonderful testimony to them of how Christians ought to live, even with people who disagree, if both you and your ex could attend and be kind and courteous to one another, so no innocent parties are made to feel uncomfortable.

Second, you will have peace of mind and your prayers will not be hindered.

This may be hard to hear; but unless you’ve had a biblical divorce, biblically speaking, your ex is still your spouse, in God’s eyes.  And therefore when you are bitter or angry with your spouse it’s tougher to pray with a free conscience. (1 Peter 3:7)

Third, Jesus commands us to attempt to make peace even if you are the innocent party!

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,” -Matthew 5:23.  Jesus isn’t saying if you have something against them.  He’s talking about them having hard feelings about you.  Perhaps your spouse still harbors hard feelings toward you.  You have an obligation to try to make peace

To harbor hateful thoughts is a sin.

“But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.” -Matthew 5:22
 

My final thought is this; you have no control over whether your ex will accept your offer of reconciliation and peace.  But you do have the responsibility as a believer to make a sincere effort.

 

Making the first moves

1.     Begin by praying for a receptive spirit in your former spouse, or another person whom you are at odds.

2.     Consider calling you ex and offering to meet with a godly friend you both trust, who is willing to help you navigate this reconciliation.  (If you or your ex have remarried, it would be very unwise to meet without a third person present.)

3.     Attempt to move beyond open hostility and discuss continuing tensions and how to eliminate or minimize them.

4.     If you come to a mutual understanding about how you will handle certain issues, put it in writing.  It will give both of you something to refer to in the future.

5.     Covenant to pray for one another.  I’ve yet to meet two “enemies” who committed to pray faithfully for “the best” for the other person, who remained enemies.

Finally

If you’ve sent this blog to someone, ask to meet with them.  Most people wounded by divorce are hesitant to take these steps without a faithful, praying friend to encourage them to do so.  Be that kind of friend.

 

 

How following Jesus works in real life.

 

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August is Guest Blogger Month!

Our annual "Guest Blogger Month" starts next week! Please look for upcoming posts from single parent and ministry experts from around the nation and be sure to SHARE their information!

We will resume the "Ten Deadly Traps" series beginning in September.

In His Name,

Matt

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Not Recognizing Their Significance

I’m going to talk from personal experience here, and primarily from a non-custodial standpoint. That is not to say what I write here doesn’t apply to primary custodial fathers, because it does too; but I want to emphasize that the majority (83%) of the time moms will be the primary caregiver in single parent homes. Thus, it is easy for a father to be viewed by himself and others as the “other” or “second” parent.

Since my daughter’s birth her mom has always had primary physical custody. I often felt pushed aside, not kept in the loop, and as an outsider looking in. The truth then is the same as it is now: I will always be my daughter’s father, and my involvement in her life carries great weight (as does yours in your children’s lives). Not recognizing our significance in the lives of our children can originally stem from a variety of previous experiences including lack of knowledge of how children with/without fathers do overall academically, socially, and emotionally; listening to the lies of others and allowing that to dictate our thoughts and self-perception, and low self-esteem to begin with.  

If this is news to you, let me offer some insight as to how to break free from this trap. I am not saying this will change everything significant regarding your parenting time and/or current situation, but it will surely help you grow as a man and father. With that, who knows what else may come out of it!

Start out by staying connected and engaged with your kids as much as you can. Use the time you have to really build solid relationships and quality time. During the days you don’t have them, use some creativity to surprise them with things like new decorations in their room, a make-over of the house…something kid-friendly like a fort or game you all can play. Or my personal favorite: start a journal for them filled with the memories you all spend together and the way you miss them and love them when they’re gone (this is a great gift to give them when they are young adults!). I also highly recommend investing in yourself regularly through spending time with God in prayer and the Word. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you (James 4:8).

As the years and different phases of life pass, continue building on the relationship with your children, noting the impacts you are making along the way. Acquire a mentor and have him help you set life goals for you and the kids- such as a rite of passage, identifying their spiritual gifts, and continuing/beginning new traditions. Stand firm on the words of Joshua, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Josh 24:15) and make that a continual priority. Stay faithful and watch how God shows up in the lives of you and your children.

Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments –Deut 7:9 (NKJV)

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Competing With the Other Parent

“Guilty as charged.” That’s how I stand on this one. For a good portion of my daughter’s early years I found myself constantly competing with her mom…vying for my daughter’s approval (despite her being too young to know any different anyways). I was fighting a losing battle, one that I (literally) could not afford much longer. It actually got to the point of where I used to loathe saying “we can’t afford that” or “I don’t have any money”. What I should have been doing all along was investing in my daughter with the things I could control: my time, my resources, and the way I handled it all. I allowed things that didn’t matter to crowd out the things that did- I wonder how many other single parents do the same?

Look guys, whether you have primary custody or minimal, PLEASE don’t make the same mistakes I did! I allowed my pride to distract me from my parenting; and often negative emotions to dominate positive ones. If you currently find yourself doing the same when it comes to comparing yourself to the other home, then STOP! Seriously, nothing is more important than investing in your kids through your words, time, and acts of love. Some of the best times I’ve had with my daughter since I broke free from this trap have included building a cardboard neighborhood on the floor, climbing dunes in the summer and sledding down hills in the winter, annual trips through a local Christmas light attraction, and telling her funny stories at bedtime. When it’s all said and done, these are the things I’m sure she will remember when I’m gone…not the big trips or flashy gifts.

Sounds good, I know; but I also realize how emotions can get the best of us too. If you still struggle with feeling inadequate or how “fair” things seem to be, then I highly recommend you bring it before the Lord in prayer and ask Him to guide your heart. Focus on getting Christ in and let Him do the heart transplant. Ask Him to give you fresh ideas and to bring new opportunities forth for you to do with your kids. And by all means, don’t stop the traditions you already have going with them! If anything, this will show strength and resilience on your part to be able to overcome trials and still be able to pour into your son or daughter.

Jesus tells us that the greatest love we can show is laying our lives down for others (John 15:13) and Paul reminds us that the things that last forever are often that which we cannot see (2Cor 4:18). What prayer can you start praying today and what moves can you begin to make to take the competition between homes out of your life and replace it on a foundation in Christ?

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Sexual Immorality

“I can’t imagine being a single man and living in today’s world.” That statement came from a female friend of mine as we were discussing sexual temptation and the barrage of sexual images the average person crosses every day. Billboards. Magazine or TV ads. And yes, the mall! I appreciate her honesty when she made that statement but I am confident temptation is not limited to only single guys. Any hot-blooded man (or woman) is in a continual battle of flesh vs. Spirit on a daily basis- it only depends on which one they want to serve.

Regarding being a single father though, sexual temptation and immorality has to be one of the forefront battles we face continually. Whether it is a “peek” (or more) online, some inappropriate flirting with a lady, or a relationship that has crossed over purity barriers multiple times, we always seem to find an excuse instead of owning up to the sin. We justify: “Well I can’t be expected to remain pure forever, what if I never get married again?” Or, boredom sets in. Down time. Stress. Any one of these is a trap waiting to happen if not replaced with a healthy alternative. Worst of all, we begin to hang out with someone who we believe “gets” us. Maybe she has been through a similar situation, is in a similar situation, or the perceived feelings of you both helping each other turns fascination and excitement into sin. Trust me, I know- I fell into this one several years back. Although we didn’t go “all the way”, it wasn’t a God-honoring relationship and I eventually broke it off.

The flesh is extremely hard to crucify- it is a conscious choice we must make on a daily basis. Overcoming it on the short-term will require setting boundaries and protective barriers based on God’s Word (Psalm 119:9, 11, 101, 105), acquiring an accountability partner, prayer and fasting, and keeping any “secret sin” exposed. Long-term freedom means sticking to your guns when the heat comes and holding fast to your boundaries; getting rid of any temptations or triggers, and ending an unhealthy relationship. Any of the above may be painful, but to be able to stand clean before God on a regular basis carries eternal weight versus temporary and unfulfilling pleasures.

The Apostle Paul tells us in 1Thess 4:3-5, 7: For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. (NASB)

Yeah, I know…good teaching but tough living. Don’t beat yourself up if you fall or are currently caught up in sexual sin; but don’t wait either! Begin making the necessary changes in your life to live more pure and seek the Lord’s guidance through prayer and wise counsel. It may sound cliché, but the satisfaction of being able to stand with a clear heart, mind, and body before God will never be overshadowed by worldly pleasure. Plus, you will now be setting the standard for your children when they encounter the same struggles and will have an unshakable foundation to lead them through it. You can do it Dad!

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Depression

It’s pretty well known that in general, men don’t like to ask for help (speaking personally here). We don’t need a map when it comes to knowing which way to go; we can fix anything without directions; and of course we are always well-versed when it comes to working our way around a clothing store and making sure everything matches perfectly! At the risk of driving a bit longer when we didn’t have to, not all of the parts working right after we “fixed” something, or defying many of the latest fashion trends, the consequences of men not asking for help can often be minimal- but not when it comes to depression.

If we are not on guard, failure to address the hurts and frustrations of single parenting and/or our current situations can develop from sadness into something more serious, such as depression. Society tells us to “suck it up” or keep it in. If left untreated (like asking for help, guys!), depression can sink in deeper; potentially leading to physical health and mental degeneration, isolation, or risky/addictive behaviors.

But there is a way to prevent this or to break free! First off, recognize that you may be in depression or heading that way. Drop the ego or mindset that you (we) can work this out on our own. Build a strong support system of other healthy Christian men around you whom you can call on when needed and who will check in on you. Perhaps change to a more nutritious diet and add in an exercise routine (at a doctor’s discretion first). Definitely increase your prayer life and ask God for the ability to renew your mind; to have “the mind of Christ”.  Don’t be ashamed to look into Christian counseling and apply it when needed. Finally, if and when it is possible, stay engaged with your children; doing your best not to let your struggles hinder your parenting ability. That is not to say we should hide everything from our kids, they need to see we struggle too and how we can work through it in a godly way. Just do your best to give them your best when they are with you. God gives us the ability to overcome anything through Christ; but He also provides other individuals and resources in our lives to help us through too. Don’t wait! Today is the day of freedom- whether breaking free from depression, or never allowing it to begin in the first place.

 

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. –Isaiah 42:10 (NASB)

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Jealousy

Single parenting is birthed out of loss: primarily the loss of a relationship; but often followed by areas such as finances, possessions, and as we discussed in the previous post- maybe even our identity. If our foundation has been rocked, or it wasn’t very sturdy to begin with, it is quite easy to covet others’ lives. As time passes on, we may see an even greater increase in this if we don’t stay on alert. Holidays become more difficult to bear as couples seem to be everywhere celebrating together; our broken down rides stick out like a sore thumb next to someone else’s new car; perhaps your ex has a new man around your kids and that’s a tough one to swallow; and don’t even get me started on how easy it is to lose focus on social media! Did you know that studies have shown that the more often someone (usually teens in this case, but I think it applies to all) is on Facebook the more depressed they become? Why? Because most of us only post the good things on social media, thus our lives seem so mundane compared to theirs. Of course, they are looking back at your life and thinking the exact same thing!

The point is, being jealous (i.e. coveting) is a sin (Exodus 20:17), and God never meant for us to live that way. It may sound cliché, but as you learn to find contentment in what you DO have and the eternal value in those things you have the opportunity to gain a whole new perspective on life. Trust me, I used to loathe saying “we don’t have money for that” to my daughter. I got caught up in trying to compete with her mom and that side of the family rather than parenting her the way God intended me to. I have now found ways to create awesome memories that she and I can hold on to forever- and most of the time they come at zero to minimal cost! You can do the same too.

Jesus tells us in Matthew 6 not to worry about what we will eat or wear- to seek first the kingdom of God and the rest will be added to us. Paul follows this up in Philippians 4 by telling us we have the ability (through Christ) to be content in all of life’s circumstances. Where do you find yourself today? Do you find yourself becoming jealous of what others have (or what you don’t have)? Is there something of the sort that is eating away at you and stealing your joy and hindering your ability to parent your children effectively? Or, do you find yourself dying daily to the things of old and seeking things with an eternal value? When we can get to the point that we no longer desire what others have, but find true contentment in the blessings that are already around us, we reach a crucial point of maturity in our faith walk and avoid one of the most deceptive traps that can be thrown our way.  I pray the result will be the memories you and your children will be able to dwell upon some day and see how God was working all along.

So we fix our eyes on not what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seem is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -2Cor 4:18 (NIV)

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Loss of Identity

It’s so easy to put our self-worth in other things, even for Christians. We can become complacent over a longer period of time, especially if things are going well; or we never develop any sort of healthy self-perception to begin with. Either way, failure to put our identity in anything other than Jesus Christ can and eventually will fail. To the single father who may have recently lost his marriage and/or children, a lifestyle that seemed unbreakable, or even to the one who was never shown who he is as a man by his own dad, this can be a crucial time to regaining that foundation. We tend to believe the lies of others when we are down, and that is when our enemy can REALLY get a foothold!

They say it is too hard to build a house in a storm; that we need to do so before or after we get hit. If in fact you find yourself as a single father coping with loss of identity as a man, provider, father, or any other area, then now is the best time to begin the rebuilding process. Dive headfirst into prayer on a regular basis. Develop a personal relationship with God and learn who you are through His eyes, not other’s. Surround yourself with a strong support system and seek out Christian counseling if necessary.


Once you’ve been able to break through this stronghold, perseverance through the tough times becomes a main focus. Paul, Peter, and James all tell us in one form or another that it is through the trials that we develop godly character (Rom 5:3-5, James 1:2-4, 1Pet 4:12-13, 5:10). Keep building on your relationship with the Lord and whenever possible, stay in open communication with your children. It only takes a few loving words from our sons or daughters on what we mean to them as dads to really pump life back into us! Above all, know that you are an invaluable part of their life, whether or not they live with you full time. Keep your eyes upward and take your position in Christ the way that He sees you: as His creation, worthy to die for, and strong enough to care for His children.

 

For you have been born again not of a seed that is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring word of God. -1Pet 1:23 (NASB)

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: "Anger"

Over the next several months we will explore a variety of “traps” single fathers (and single mothers) can fall into if they are not on alert. We will discuss why these things happen, how to overcome them, and hopefully- STAY out of them!


If left unaddressed, anger, bitterness, or unforgiveness can consume us- eventually seeping over into multiple areas of our lives. Single parenting brings in brokenness, and often we reap the consequences of someone else’s actions. We are left hurt, scarred, or maybe even hopelessly damaged. Anger is a God-given emotion, but only when used in the proper context. Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be angry and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity” (NASB). Just like chipping away at ice on a lake, the longer we leave it attended, our heart can become hardened more and more- eventually to the point where it seems impenetrable.


The ability to overcome anger, hurt, or bitterness begins with our personal relationship with Christ. Depending on where you are at with this, God reveals that it isn’t as much about us forgiving someone else (though that’s the goal), but rather, about us receiving His forgiveness first. Only when we can come to a point of realizing the magnitude of what Jesus did on the cross for us to save us from eternal condemnation can we really get to the point where forgiving others becomes unconditional. I challenge you to seek the Lord out through prayer and the Word; asking Him to bring to the surface the emotions that are holding you back and the strength to lay it down once and for all.


Even if we are able to overcome a wrong(s) that has been done against us, whether by someone else’s doing or our own, chances are something else will come up again in the future. The key is strengthening ourselves for when the tough moments do come. Think of it like this: in the gym “resistance equals growth”. If we want to make gains towards getting in shape then we must apply the proper weight (resistance) to our efforts. Eventually, we become more conditioned to handle the challenge. Same is true here: difficult times and people will cross our paths, but when we have a solid relationship with God through prayer and Scripture, we are able to push through what was once too difficult.


Overcoming anger or bitterness is not an easy task; but when we are able to fully surrender this area of our lives to the Lord on a regular basis, we avoid a dangerous trap- and experience tremendous freedom in return.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. –James 1:2-4 (NASB)

Helping the Single Fathers in Your Life

Helping a single parent is a whole new level of reaching someone. It can be discouraging, messy, and rarely consistent. And unless you have ever been a single parent yourself, it can be quite intimidating to lend a helping hand to- let alone even knowing where to start. For anyone who may have a son, brother, or friend who is a single dad, here are five very quick tips that you can use to help them along the way.

Keep them covered

 

I know this may seem like an obvious one, but never underestimate the power of prayer. You may not completely understand everything they are going through, and that’s fine. Pray specific and transparent prayers, not manipulative or selfish ones. Be sure to love on the involved children unconditionally through it all and even pray with them whenever possible. Prayer can move mountains and when we pray within God’s will, we know we have the petitions we ask of Him (1John 5:14-15).

 

Seek godly counsel

 

Believe me when I say that I am fully aware of just how little there is for single fathers out there when it comes to Christ-centered help. Start by contacting some of the local churches in your area- ones that may have a higher single parent population than others. Even if the church doesn’t have an actual “single parent” ministry, many of the pastors may have counseled single dads in the past or at least have a general understanding of what they face regularly. You may also search for additional resources on our website: www.afatherswalk.org.

 

Do NOT slam the mom!

 

This is our “Golden Rule” of the ministry. Yes, the entire situation may be a mess and perhaps she is being spiteful or manipulative. I am sure it can be quite painful to watch your son of friend go through it all. I am right there with you when it comes to experiencing how unjust some situations may be due to the other parent or the courts’ doing. Still, if we allow the sin of anger and bitterness to seep into our hearts, it will only overflow into other areas of our life, perhaps even around the children. Instead, ask the Lord to remove these negative emotions from you if need be (you may really have to do some hardcore praying here!), but a softened heart is the only way to honor God (Psalm 86:11, Heb 3:13).

 

Help them build a foundation

 

Statistics show that only 33% of single parents attend church on a regular basis. Single parenting equals brokenness no matter how you slice it, and we know the only path to complete healing and restoration is through Jesus Christ. You know the single dads in your life well. Bible thumping and condemning talk isn’t going work- I will tell you that right now. What they need is to see the true love of Christ. Remain focused on creating a safe zone where your son, grandson, or friend can feel completely accepted and loved; somewhere they can heal and their feet can be set upon Rock.

 

Preparing for the long haul

 

Whether or not things ever get better between Dad and Mom no one may know. A father can always keep in mind that he is Dad for life, regardless of the circumstances. Things began extremely rocky between me and my daughter’s mom. Ten years later, it’s bumpy at best. Children get a huge part of their personality and self-perception from their father and our enemy is a master at keeping us spinning around in circles instead of looking to God for help. Any single father that holds fast to his relationship with the Lord will not only be able to persevere through the storms along the way, but will one day see His glory revealed through it all (Romans 8:18).

 

Single parenting is a tough situation for everyone involved. Our responsibility as Christian individuals is to show the unconditional love of Christ to others. The Bible tells us to hate what is evil and to cling to what is good. Love never fails and perfect love casts out fear. Hold fast to all of God’s promises, because we know in Christ all of His promises are “yes” and “amen”.  

Praying Through the Tough Times, and Leaving a Legacy That Lasts

 





As parents, we live for those unexpected moments when our kids surprise us with words or acts of love. For us fathers, those words will always have the ability to melt our hearts- no matter how old they get or how tough we think we are. Such was the case of some time I recently spent with my daughter.

Backstory first: My daughter’s mother and I aren’t on the best of terms, we never have been. I will take some ownership here, but I can truly say for the past several years I’ve been trying to work on a civil co-parenting relationship with her. On top of that, circumstances at her house have clearly been affecting my daughter lately. (Anyone who has been in a similar situation can feel me on this one.) It’s tough: a constant war between the flesh, which wants to badmouth Mom and “let her have it”; or remaining in the Spirit, talking it through with my daughter, and praying for them both during my quiet time. I choose option “B”. I have now been addressing the entire situation in prayer over the past couple months. Which brings me to this past weekend…

I was tucking my daughter in and although we haven’t had many episodes lately, she began to cry and share with me some of her personal thoughts and feelings. It was nothing bad or dangerous, she was just opening her heart to me. As I listened I gently rubbed her back and when I had the chance to talk, I chose words to build her mother up, explain how I saw the situation, and offered her some options of how she could talk it over with Mommy. Then the words that leveled me: “You always make me feel better”. Wow! Did that ever light me up inside! Just hearing that as a father tells me I’m on the right track, but I see it as way bigger than that. For all of the times I’ve sought God out to give me direction and help me to pray for my daughter’s mother, this was a clear example of how He has moved in me and now my daughter is being blessed by it. If I had allowed my flesh to rise up I surely could have said some things that would have affected my daughter negatively; let alone hinder my ability to parent in a godly way. Instead, I set my personal feelings aside and remained obedient by regularly praying for someone I did not care to pray for. The result is a blessing that I am hoping will one day become a legacy for my family. Sure, things are far from OK; but I truly believe that moments like this will build a foundation and a confidence in my daughter to help her cope with any of life’s difficulties she encounters over the years to come.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, I encourage you to remember the example points below and get these (or similar) verses in your mind for when you need them most:

1.      It’s not about you. Focus on how you react to any adverse situation and where your heart is from the beginning. Who’s going to be in charge: you or Him?

He must increase, but I must decrease. –John 3:30

2.      Testing produces character. We simply cannot acquire on a whim the proven character or strength needed to push through some situations. It doesn’t take patience (short-term); it takes perseverance (long-suffering). See Romans 5:3-5, James 1:2-4, and 1Peter 5:10 for further understanding.

3.      Keep everything covered in prayer- regardless if you are seeing any changes or not. Often times God is using a trial as a test to prepare us for bigger and better things down the line. It is crucial not to sell yourself short in this area and to stay focused on what He may be teaching you.

 

But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you. –Matt 6:6

“The one concern of the devil is to keep Christians from praying. He fears nothing from prayerless studies, prayerless work, and prayerless religion. He laughs at our toil, mocks at our wisdom, but trembles when we pray.” –Samuel Chadwick

 

Try to keep in mind that it isn’t the other parent (or whomever) that our struggle is against; it’s the forces behind it all (Eph 6:12). Don’t try to fight a spiritual battle in the flesh- it won’t work. Do your battles behind closed doors and on your knees. Not only will you have a greater potential for victory, but what you learn and the character you develop along the way will help you leave a legacy that can last for generations.