The Perception of Single Fatherhood- Part 2

“One generation shall praise Your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.” –Psalm 145:4

Continuing with our current small group series, we have moved on from how the world sees us as single dads to how our children view us. The first main point we talked about was why fathers are so important in a child’s life in the first place. Whether we are married or not, FATHERS are the spiritual and life leaders of their children. Now, obviously many men fall short in this area and some never step up to the plate, but that does not negate the fact that we are called to lead. We bring authority and discipline, but also a strong sense of love and protection too. 

Our small group is across the board when it comes to custody arrangements and past relationships. About half of us have never been married, while the other half is divorced. One of the guys has full custody of his kids while some of us have only had them minimally. Despite these external factors, our kids may view us differently than they would if we were in intact two parent households. My daughter has never known any different- since I was never married to her mom. However, I have been there since day one and much like some of the other men in the group, I have poured into her more than perhaps some dads do who have their kids all the time. (I’ll touch more on this in a minute.) Others have had some resistance when it came to the kids adapting to the new living conditions. Bottom line is, no matter what is going on now, we as fathers have the God-given responsibility to bring our sons and daughters up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph 6:4).

Finally, I asked the question as to what were some pros and cons to being a single parent. Obviously, some of the stressors are lack of time, energy, and often financial resources to do more outgoing things. We also are not able to see our kids all of the time, tuck them in bed, or even ask them how their day was. But…we ARE able to give them our undivided attention when we do have them, and some great one on one time. According to one statistic, the average father (married or not) only spends about one hour a day with his children. Having our children in our care for several hours during the week or an entire weekend definitely puts us ahead of the curve in that category. As Christian men, we also bring stability and security to our own homes, both of which are not always present in the other household.

God blesses the families and lineages of those who love Him and follow His commandments. Here are a few verses that compliment this for you to look up on your own time:

Deut 7:9

Eph 6:1-4

Col 3:20-21

Prov 22:6

I also briefly touched on the National Center for Fathering’s initiative Championship Fathering, which builds a three-point foundation that we dads commit to loving, coaching, and being great role models for our kids. We also are to enlist other dads in this initiative and to encourage boys and girls who do not have a father present. Based on what may seem sometimes like a mountain of adversity against us or our children, we single fathers are by no means exempt from any of this! In fact, God still has His hand on us and those beneath us, as long as we are willing to stay submitted to His love and authority. The next couple weeks our group will discuss how we view ourselves as single fathers and how God sees us…both of which will lead us into staying submitted to His sovereignty.

How is Your Heart?

A couple weeks ago at work I had a moment that I am not proud of by any means. I completely lost my cool and showed my coworkers a very rare side of me, not modeling Christ- to say the least. Although I went home and turned to God for forgiveness, the hurt and anger still weighed heavily on my heart. This all happened on a Friday and it carried over all day Saturday as well. However, it was all setting up perfectly for the encounter with God I would need that Sunday morning at church- one that would give me a new perspective on my walk and thrust me into my current mentality. I had never heard this song before, and as the man sang, the altars were opened for anyone who wanted to come forth to pray. All it took for me was the first few lines of the song and I was scooting out of my seat and heading straight down front.  Take a moment to listen to this and then come back to the rest of the blog:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aWEhNqnjuY

Beginning the following Monday, I asked a good friend of mine to check in with me every day regularly and just text me little things like, “How’s your heart?” or, “Where is your heart at?” I am keeping this as a front-burner accountability point so that as the song says, the world sees that my heart looks like His heart. But it goes beyond that. I can put the Jesus front on for anyone- except for God. The bottom line is that if our hearts are not completely sold out to Him, then sooner or later our actions will follow. We cannot cheapen grace. So now I’ve made it my prayer every day to not only have the world see my heart looking like His, but for God to see the same in me. I owe everything I have to Him and He deserves my all (Matt 22:37).

I was talking with a friend of mine today and we were discussing the things that truly matter in life. She was just offered a very high level (and I’m sure high paying) position at her company- but she declined. She immediately recognized that it would end up taking away from her family time and time with her husband. Kudos to her! She went on to tell me that when she and her husband first got married they had so little, but were so happy. Simple nights just curling up together and watching a movie was all they needed. This got me thinking about how we can lose focus in our walks and ministry too. If David had never become anything more than a shepherd and the baby brother, he still would have kept singing and dancing his brains out before God- because that’s all he desired. Yes, his life took off on a crazy roller coaster of all sorts, but in the end- he came back and rested in God’s love. I wonder how many men and women who have “succeeded” in ministry too have fallen into this sort of trap? We may start out with such humble beginnings, but the danger lies in when we replace blessings with success. In other words, is it possible for someone to become so wrapped up in a thriving or even global ministry that they forget why they are doing what they are doing in the first place?

Make sure you do your own heart check this week. Is your heart lining up with the heart of Christ? How do you intend to keep it that way? Whatever it takes to keep you there- hold fast to that and show the world what it is so desperately in need of.

“That you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God” –Col 1:10 (NKJV)

The Perception of Single Fatherhood- Part 1

The World’s Point of View

We are currently in the middle of this series in our single dad small group, so I decided to turn it into a blog as well. This will consist of four views on single fatherhood: how the world views us; how our children view us; how we view ourselves; and of course, how God views us.

“If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you.” –John 15:18 (NASB)

This first part was a tough discussion for some of the guys, mainly because of some of the “tags” and stereotypes that have been placed on us as a whole. Words such as “deadbeat” and “absentee” hover over men due to a culture that has abandoned its priorities and morals when it comes to leading and parenting. I have even been on the receiving end of such slander in the past. As is the case with any challenge, we must dig to the root of the issue, uncover it, and bring truth to the forefront with God’s Word.

I asked questions such as, “What are some of the causes and effects of fatherlessness?” and “How does the world view/react to single and absentee fathers?” The general consensus was fatherlessness can be generational, and we have replaced our values with sin through fleshy pleasures. All of this has drawn fathers further and further away from their kids- and at the same time the children are retracting the opposite way due to the never-ending pressures they face daily. Now, an absentee father who has completely left the picture voluntarily and not stepped up to the plate is one thing, but to place tags on good, God-loving men who either are involved, or WANT to be involved with their kids is another. I can tell you that all of the single dads in our small group are in their kid’s lives in one capacity or another, most of them even desiring to be a greater influence if given the opportunity.

The bottom line is that is hard to be a single parent no matter what. Whether you are full-custodial or partial, have freedom to see your children when you want or facing some barriers, we ALL must find our hope and comfort in Christ. I closed out our first discussion of this series with the verses and question below. Take what you can from them and apply them to your specific situation.

1Cor 2:14, 3:18-23

1John 3:13

Rev 12:11

Based on tonight’s discussion, how will you bring change to the world’s perception of single fathers?

Tony Evans once said (I’m paraphrasing here), “A messed up man is part of a messed up house…neighborhood…city…state…nation…world. So, if we want a better world, then we need a better nation…state…city…neighborhood…house…which begins with a better man." 

Coming Through

“Fathers need to work hard, whether married or not, to provide solid, responsible fathering…to work hard to be a positive influence for good in the children’s lives if mom and dad are no longer married.”  –Wayne Parker, About.com (Statistics on Children of Divorce in America)

 

Are you a dad that comes through? Do you make promises to your children and keep them, establishing an undeniable foundation of trust?  Can your kids count on you to be at the game or concert whenever possible, to do what you say you will- no matter how trivial it may seem to us?  These are some tough questions with some possibly convicting implications. If the answer is “no” or “I’ve never thought about it”, then perhaps it’s time we looked at the bigger picture.  As odd as this may (or may not) seem, I have noticed a huge difference in the way “Dad” is perceived in today’s society. It’s almost as if we dads that ARE involved and lead are kids are praised- for something we are supposed to do in the first place!  I have even noticed that when I see billboards of a family with mom, dad, and the kids in the same picture- it almost looks weird to me.  Granted, we are living in a world very different from previous generations, but that does not excuse us as fathers from our parental duties. Despite our current situation or circumstances, we still have the one constant that will always remain- a God who is able to save, lead, and bless those who cry out to Him.

I want to give you some encouragement today, Dad. As I pointed out in the final chapter of my book, the way we began in life is not nearly as important as the way we finish. If the examples I mentioned above shook you in a not-so-great way but you know that you can do better when it comes to being there for your kids, then we need to look no further than to the only One capable of leading us. Jesus never did anything without speaking with the Father first. He was constantly communicating, LISTENING (something we tend to fall short in- can I get an “Amen”, girls?), and remained obedient to God’s will. Stay connected to the Lord in your personal relationship with Christ- everything else will flow from there. It is in those times when we see life as He sees it: not trivial and to be taken for granted; but cherished and grateful for every minute we have that we are able to grow and flourish as the fathers we were always meant to be. Then use that momentum and carry it into your relationship with your son or daughter and give them the very best of yourself. Grasp onto and hold tight to the times or moments that so many parents overlook, times that will ultimately make the biggest difference in our kids’ lives when we are long gone.

 A father is respected because he gives his children leadership…appreciated because he gives his children care…valued because he gives his children time…loved because he gives his children the one thing they treasure the most- himself. -Unknown