Forgiving Your Ex

“I hate her, mom!” I remember saying those words years ago to my own mom in reference to my daughter’s mother. It was Christmas Eve of 2006 and it was apparent that I was not going to get to see my daughter on her first Christmas. There weren’t any specific court times set regarding holidays, my daughter being only 7 ½ months old at the time. Instead, her mother offered to let me have her for about two hours that evening, which included about an hour and a half drive time round trip. So really, I only got to spend thirty minutes with my little girl that night- trying to get her to open and look at all of her gifts before it was time to go. Before I knew it, we were heading back for me to drop her off.


All I wanted was to be a dad and enjoy Christmas with my daughter; to give her the love I never received on holidays from my own parents. I remember sitting on my bed filled with so much excitement and love towards her, but so much anger towards her mom. I had not surrendered my life to the Lord yet at this point, so this was all being handled in my flesh- quite a dangerous scenario.


A few weeks afterwards, however, I gave my life to Christ. Surprisingly, the first person I prayed for on the altar was my daughter’s mom. I realized how chaotic our relationship (or lack of) was, and if we were going to do this as parents, there needed to be forgiveness. I immediately dove head first into church, was baptized, and began to seek out strong Christian influences. My daughter’s mom and I continued to battle, but as time went on, God was working on softening my heart. I pounded the Scriptures and prayer, and eventually came to a point when I needed to talk with her directly. I told her that I had turned my life around and that I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness too- it was not received well. Close friends of mine encouraged me to lay it down and keep praying for her.


In the years that have followed, not a day goes by that I don’t pray for my daughter and her mom. I have memorized multiple verses that I still have to apply regularly when things get heated between us. I also realize that God expects more of me as a believer and a father. I have learned to let the small things go, hold to a higher standard, and understand that I can only forgive because I have been forgiven for so much first. Sure, it’s a constant process, but I’ve seen blessings abound in every way. It is only in my hope and faith in Christ that I keep pressing forward.

 

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. –Eph 4:32

Note: This was originally published in The Life of a Single Mom’s magazine Overwhelmed in January 2014.

An Antidote to Risky Behaviors

According to WebMD, when families eat together on a regular basis the children are less likely to become overweight, more likely to abstain from risky behaviors such as smoking, drinking, or drugs, and tend to perform better overall academically and socially. Unfortunately, we often allow technology and the busyness of life to creep into a time that should be reserved for family bonding. Believe me, the conviction is rising on this end too even as I type this! If in fact you have caught yourself falling short in this area, adjustments can surely be made. Here are a few quick tips:  

1. The obvious one is to shut off all distractions such as cell phones, TV, tablets, etc… Too much screen time is unhealthy for anyone, and I assure you nothing is going to happen on Facebook that is more important than investing in time with your children. And parents, please take the initiative on this! If they see you checking your phone once in a while then the entire purpose of the time together will be greatly hindered.  
    
2. Open up the conversation. During a recent dinner with my wife and daughter, I began the meal by asking them both something that they did during the week that was productive. As I had hoped, a simple question such as this broke into a few tangents and began a fun and enjoyable conversation. Families that can be open and honest during relaxed times will surely be more likely to share more difficult feelings during challenging times.
    
3. Be prepared to listen! Please don’t turn this into some mundane exercise that you go through and hope for the best results. As the WebMD article above states, your children are more likely to really open up to what is going on in their lives and you may catch something that can be addressed before it becomes more serious. If anything, they will pick up on your genuine interest in listening to what they have to say and that will build their self-esteem and confidence.
    
4. Read some Scripture after dinner. Jesus tells us that “Man shall not live on bread alone, but out of every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.” (Matthew 4:4) In other words, food fills our temporal bodies, but God’s Word fills our spirit! It doesn’t have to be long; a short passage nightly will build a foundation for them for years to come.
    

Whether you are married or doing life as a single parent, making the adjustments to have regular and healthy meals with your kids is too important to pass up. Don’t wait! Let’s bring dinner back to where it belongs: at the dinner table!

 

…Your children will be like vigorous young olive trees as they sit around your table. –Psalm 128:3b (NLT)

Parents, are you intentionally having dinner regularly at the dinner table with your children?


Originally published on August 31, 2015 at www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com.

Back to School, Dads!

Well, school is back (or soon to be back) in session! Summer vacations are winding down and schedules seem to flood back in action like a bursting dam (at least mine does). It is with precautions like this that we fathers need to be especially mindful of our importance in getting involved with our child’s schooling. Whether we are married or doing life as a single parent, study after study has found that fathers play a significant role in their child’s long-term academic success. Depending on the age of your son or daughter and the level to which you can commit to doing school work with them, here are a few quick tips on how to maximize your influence and still get some “Daddy time” in too:

1. Be intentional on setting time apart for school
    
   Know your child’s school schedule and atmosphere. Regularly check the school’s online calendar, get to know his or her teachers and stay in communication with them, and most of all: intentionally set time aside to do homework with your kids. This not only helps with school success, but shows your child that they are your primary focus- which is a tremendous act of love on your part.
    
2. Make time work for you
    
   Speaking from experience as a single father for over 9 years, I know how quickly weekday time can fly by. Plan ahead with dinner and get the important things done first (like homework, projects, etc) before you do play time. I know it may seem like a drag, but our job is to prepare our children to become responsible adults and this is one component of that. Of course, don’t become legalistic over it either. Look for new and creative ways to create opportunities for quality bonding time with them along the way.
    
3. Let your son or daughter know they are loved and affirmed
    
   Yes, we are to lead our children towards success in school and life; but as Paul so beautifully points out in 1Corinthians 13, if we do it without love- we completely miss the point. Always be sure to let your kids know that you love them, even when they fail; and affirm them when you see they are trying their best. This will mean far more to your son or daughter (and last infinitely longer) than any “A” on a test ever could!

Have a wonderful and blessed school year, Dad. And remember, we’re always learning on how to do this fathering thing too!

God in the Gap

Our final guest blogger for this month is my friend Regi Campbell of Radical Mentoring. Mentoring is Biblical, and extremely vital for us to grow as men and as fathers. I pray you take Regi's words to heart; and if you don't have a mentor currently, that you will begin to seek one out soon.


I first became a dad at the age of 23. I was an idiot. Oh, I was married, thought I was a Christian, even helped with the diapers and midnight feedings. But emotionally . . . spiritually . . . I was about as ready to be a dad as a Subaru’s ready to race at Indy.

Ten years later, Jesus found me and I started to grow up. I had found career success but I had lost my wife’s heart and had to win it back. I’m not sure I ever had my kids’ hearts as I never invested enough for long enough to register on their ‘Richter scales.’ But with Jesus living in me, I was now fully alive and in the game! My marriage came back together, my kids and I connected, they each accepted Jesus and were baptized and have pretty much walked with God ever since.

When I poke around about those early years, my kids can’t remember anything bad I did or didn’t do. It’s like God supernaturally filled the ‘father-gap’ while I was ‘missing-in-action.’ I can’t explain it. There’s no rationale short of a supernatural phenomenon. All I know is they feel like they were ‘fathered’ when I was miles away. They never felt alone or abandoned or neglected. They don’t remember the smell of alcohol on my breath or all the nights their mom put them to bed without me. I failed to fulfill my God-given role during those years, yet God filled the gap.

What if God fills the ‘mother-gap’ in your family? I know . . . some of your kids’ moms are around, but so was I back in those days. As I said, I can’t explain it. Don’t know if there’s any way to make it happen other than to ask God in prayer. No way to take a status check along the way. Like most things of God, we experience life prospectively but see God’s hand retrospectively. That’s how I came to see this in my life and family . . . looking back, trying to understand how God did what He did for me while I was (finally) growing up.

I know you want an awesome life for your kids. You wouldn’t be reading this blog if you didn’t. You’re ‘all-in’ as a single dad. You’re giving it all you got and that’s what you should do. Must do. But know there’s an Invisible Hand capable of filling every gap in your family. Walk with Him. Thank Him. Trust Him. Don’t be surprised when you and your kids look back someday and find that your Heavenly Father was filling the gap . . . making complete something you felt wasn’t.

Regi Campbell is the founder of Radical Mentoring, a movement of men and churches who are about mentoring younger leaders in small groups. He has written three books About My Father’s Business – Taking Your Faith to Work , Mentor like Jesus , and What Radical Husbands Do . You can subscribe to his twice-weekly blog posts by clicking here. Regi lives near Atlanta, Georgia with his wife Miriam. They’ve been married for 46 years and 2 adult married kids and 5 grandkids later, they still love each other.

Stepping Up to the Plate

Our third guest blogger this month is my good friend Robyn Besemann of Robyn B Ministries. Robyn has a passion for ministry, including single parent homes. Her radio show "Chained No More" is taking off in a God-sized way and helping to get the message of hope and healing through the Gospel out there. For more information and to download her podcasts, please visit http://www.toginetradio.com/shows/chainednomore.

Are you a single dad?  Do you know men who are single dads?  According to the most recent statistics, at least 24% of single parent households are led by single dads.  That is a huge increase from 1960, when only 1% of all families were led by single dads.

Some contributing factors for the increase in single father households are:


Marked increase in non-marital births main reason for increase in single father households.


Changes in legal system: more opportunities for fathers to gain at least partial custody of the children.


Role of fathers has ‘evolved’.  Fathers used to be looked at merely as the “breadwinner”, but now fathers are being viewed more as a caregiver for the following reasons:

• Public believes that a father’s role is to provide values in children
• Emotional support
• Discipline
• Income support
  Men can be single dads for a variety of reasons, including divorce, separation, death, military deployment of spouse, etc.
• It used to be thought that mothers should be the only one who should have the kids and that fathers were unable to raise children themselves.  There are millions of children and many more adult children who live or lived in fatherless homes and the statistics show a huge impact on our society. Just one is that about 85% of people in prison lived in fatherless homes.  That  is staggering to me.
  Many times, kids have no connection with their dads at all because of the divorce battle between their parents.  Many don’t have a connection because the dad and mom were not married and dad leaves the home and moves on or the mom forced him out.  Many dads are not safe people and have been overtaken by drugs/alcohol, so the children cannot be with them at all.  Wow!  How far we have come from “Father Knows Best”, huh?
  Single dads, I would encourage you to do your best to connect with your kids and do what you can to keep your divorce battle away from them.  Your kids need you.  They need your love, your attention, your time, your advice, your guidance and they need to know that their dad values them.  Step up to the plate, Dads.  Money is secondary to the important things you can teach them about life.
  If you struggle with addictions, find a way to beat them, for the sake of your kids.  If you are in a divorce battle or can’t get along with their mom, take the high road and find a way, for the sake of your kids. If your anger is keeping you away, get some help, for the sake of your kids.  If you are struggling financially and don’t want to pay one more dollar to support them, look into the eyes of your kids and find a way to work something out, for the sake of your kids.  Take the high road, Dads!  Whether you had a great father or not, step up to the plate and be the father your kids need and deserve.  FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR KIDS!!
  Single moms, if you have kept your kids away from their dad or have spoken ill of him, step up to the plate and find a way to put  your own hurt aside, for the sake of your kids.  If he is safe, allow them to have a relationship with him.  Children need a father AND a mother in their lives and they need each for different purposes.  They also need to know where they belong so they don’t have to wander in life trying to fill that void.
  “Honor your father and your mother…”  Matthew 15:4  Dads and moms, become the parents you should be so your kids can obey the Lord and honor you, for the sake of your kids.

Single Parents and Where Do SMART Single Dads Fit In?

Our second guest blogger for the month of August is my good friend James Cruise. James is an amazing man of God, husband, father, and author. His story will surely touch your heart, as will his ministry. For more information please visit http://www.jamescruise.com/.

Do you have a GPS? Of course you do. All smart phones do! Did you notice I said SMART phone.
In order for you to be a SMART single dad and to get where you want to go you must first know where you are at this very moment. Not where you were 30 minutes ago. Not where you were a week ago or a year ago. But right now. You put in your "NOW Location" and your "TO BE Location" and click start. And wa-lah! Your GPS takes you to your wanted location.


I want this article to be your GPS for all you single dads out there. All SMART single dads must know the lay of the land and where they fit in among all the different types of single dads.
I was a single parent dad for over 15 years after my wife died in an automobile accident. I raised my three children from ages five, nine and eleven. Two sons and a daughter. They are now 26, 31 and 33. Between them I have three grandchildren. I am now married to a lovely lady and I have three stepchildren and four step grandchildren. I have been where you are as a single parent dad. I have been there, done that and worn that single dad t-shirt that you are now wearing. It’s not where I wanted to be, but it is where I was. I am sure it’s not where you planned to be or want to be. It’s just where you now are…


Well here we go, entering single dad’s "NOW Location".


Over 15 million single parents


Over 2.5 million single dads


1 out of 6 single parents are single dads


50% of first marriages end in divorce


60% of second marriages end in divorce


65% of second marriages with children end in divorce


70% of third marriages end in divorce


80% of co-habitors that marry divorce


41% of families in U.S. are single parent led


52% of families in my state of Mississippi are single parent led


66% of families in Atlanta, GA are single parent led


39 million children of single parents are unchurched


40% of marriages are second marriages


80% of children over 18 yrs. will leave the church


6.5 million Grandparents are raising grandchildren


60% of babies born are to unwed moms (thus also single dads)


The average marriage lasts 5 years in U.S.


The average time between marriages is 3.5 years in U.S.


75% of all children under age 18 in the U.S. will spend at least some time in a single parent


household

Of children living with one parent:

· 38% live with a divorced parent


· 35% live with a never-married parent


· 19% with a separated parent


· 4% with a widowed parent


· 4% with a parent whose spouse lives elsewhere


As a single parent you’re definitely not alone – not with over 15 million of you out there. You all face similar challenges. Each year the percentage of single parent household’s continues to grow. As you can see single-parent families are a diverse and ever growing segment of our social fabric and not uncommon at all, anymore.


Arriving at your "TO BE Location".


Your "TO BE Location" is to be the best single dad to your children you can possibly be.


As a single parent dad I wanted to be the very best dad to my children I could. I hope your goal, no matter how you became a single dad, is the same as mine was. Our children are not really ours. They are a gift from God. Given in trust to us to raise and train as they grow and mature.
No matter your situation or your physical location to your children, you are called to "Man-up", "Put on your big boy pants", "be a real man" and a "real dad" to your children. A real dad is not a perfect dad, but an involved dad. My life as a single dad was a juggling act. Jugglers drop things, and so did I. So will you. No big deal. Just stay as involved as you can possibly be with your children in your particular situation. No excuses, just finding ways to stay active in your children’s lives.


I just got back from a long trip to Pensacola. Yep, used my GPS. Knew where I was when I started and knew where I wanted to end up. Had a few rough stretches, almost made a wrong turn or two. Had to adjust on the fly. Arrived safe and sound at my "TO BE Location – my oldest son’s home". Yep – I’m still trying to be the best, most involved dad I can be.
My hope and prayer for you is that you will reap the many, many rewards that come with being the best single parent dad you can be. Love them, hug them and stay involved in your children’s lives. That is what real life is all about.


"When I am old and gray, judge me as a father by the number of times I said, "I love you," and how often I was able to say, "I’m sorry." -Richard Zmuda




Learn more about James Cruise at James Cruise Ministries


www.jamescruise.com

Becoming Fathers

It's time for our annual "Guest Blogger Month"! Once again we have some amazing authors and ministry leaders from all over the nation sharing their wisdom and hearts when it comes to single parenting and fatherhood. Leading off this week is my good friend Misty Honnold of The Single Mom KC. For more information on Misty and the ministry, please visit http://www.thesinglemomkc.org/.

I was moved to tears today as I read Paul’s words to Timothy:  “To Timothy, my true child in the faith”. I began to wonder if I was able to say this about any of the young men or women in my life “my true child in the faith”.  Was I even able to make that bold confession about my own children?  I realized it was time for a heart check and see if I was living as the parent I was created to be. Revealing the love of the Father to my children and those around me.

 

Somewhere I have seemed to drift off the path of purpose. I have become busy with ministry, launching my children well and I have somehow forgotten that I am a mother, one who carries the heart of the Father and this passage jolted me awake.

 

I have to pause and ask:  As a mother am I living my life in a way that I want sons and daughters to emulate? Am I raising up children in the faith to know and love Jesus?

 

Our greatest goal in life should be the same as that of Jesus…to show a hurting world the extravagant, sacrificial love of the Father. Are we succeeding? Or are our lives too busy? Are we filled with anger, unforgiveness and sadness to the point that we are unable to show our children this abandon love that the Father displays through His Son Jesus?

 

Paul unashamedly told his disciples and the church to follow in his footsteps,

1 Corinthians 11: 1

Pattern yourselves after me (follow my example) as I imitate and follow Christ.

 

Philippians 3:17

Brethren, together follow my example and observe those who live after the pattern we have set for you.

 

1 Corinthians 4:15-16

You should have ten thousand teachers (guides to direct you) in Christ, yet you do not have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus…So I urge and implore you, be imitators of me.

 

There is something profound in the reality that we as parents should be ‘imploring’ our children to follow our example.

 

When I first happened on to verses like these, I wanted to run and hide. I did not feel adequate to lead my own children, let alone others. But as Paul so quickly points out…follow me as I follow Christ.  If I am not following Christ, walking the way He walked I should not want my children or others to follow me.

 

What do the steps of following Christ look like?

 

ASK

First we have to BELIEVE with are heart and SAY with our mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord. Yes we have to accept what He did on the cross to save us and ASK for His forgiveness so that we enter into the family of God. 

 

Have you ASKED Him to forgive you of your sins and to be Lord of your life?

 

SEEK

The next thing we should do if we truly want to be fathers and mothers, is begin to look at how Jesus lived. Open your bible and study how the Father displays Himself through the man Jesus.  Jesus is the “exact representation of God the Father” (Hebrews 1:3)

When Philip said “show us the Father,” I believe that Jesus, with tears brimming over replied, “Have I been so long with you, and yet you have not come to know Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father”.  (John 14:8-9)

 

Therefore, if we want our children to know the Father and to know His voice, we must be willing to SEEK the knowledge of the Father and get to know Him, so that we can lead our children to Him…and Jesus shows us who He is.

 

So SEEK the Father by studying the Son.   

 

KNOCK

And don’t stop with seeking who the Father is, what He is like and how He loves…KNOCK on the doors of heaven in the place of prayer. His promise is that the doors will be open. We have access to freedom from old patterns of behavior, we have freedom from bitterness and anger; we have freedom from fits of rage, depression, and abuse. Yes, this freedom is ours, given freely by God but we must knock on the doors of heaven and as the doors open walk into those places of freedom.

 

Let’s commit together to show the Father to our sons and daughters. Let’s raise up a generation of men and women who know the Father’s voice and live out the “plans He has for them” (Jeremiah 29:11)