Beautiful

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. –Song 4:7 (NIV)

     On a recent vacation with my daughter, I was visiting my niece in Ocala, Florida and got to spend some time with her 11-year-old daughter Katie. In short, Katie’s dad has never really been a factor in her life and when he is, he rarely ever leaves her better off. He makes promises he doesn’t keep, is thousands of dollars in the hole with child support, and to my knowledge has never made any sort of fatherly or eternal investments in his daughter.

     Katie is a beautiful girl and full of energy, and I can tell she has an unquenched desire to explore all this world has to offer her. Still, her underlying “daddy gap” is apparent for anyone who slows down enough to really look and listen to her. I also gathered from a conversation with my niece that Katie has been bullied some at school, and my heart and mind immediately went into red-flag, protective mode. (Adolescent girl with father issues and being bullied is a dangerous mix) As I talked with her mom, the scripture above was laid on my heart to share with Katie.

     A few hours later, as she and my daughter went upstairs to play, I felt the Lord say to me, Go, now. I followed them upstairs and as they sat down, I asked Katie if I could talk with her briefly. The look of wonder that filled her eyes was even surprising to me. It was as if she couldn’t wait to hear what I had to say.

     I spoke those words from Song of Solomon over her and then said the following: “I know you’ve had some issues with your dad recently…” IMMEDIATELY when I brought him up tears began to roll down her little face, and I knew this was more important than I had previously thought. I brought up the issues at school and explained to her that although she may be going through some really tough times right now, that God sees her as perfect and complete…worthy enough to trade His Son’s life for. I also told her that although her earthly dad has fallen short, that she truly IS a princess because her real Father is the King of kings. Of course by this point she was completely sobbing, which naturally made me lose it too.

     I prayed with Katie and gave her a hug, then let the girls enjoy the rest of their night. As I came back downstairs to let her mom know I would follow up with her and extend an open invitation for her to visit us, I couldn’t help but reflect on what this one encouragement could have meant to her. My hope was that she would hang on to this for the rest of her life.

     I know many of us as single parents are pretty consumed dealing with our own hurt, and we all have a million things on our mind. But still, is there someone you can think of right now who needs to hear a word from God? Has He laid an impression on you to open your heart and spiritual eyes and invest in someone’s life? Is there another “Katie” you know─perhaps a relative, neighbor, or one of your kid’s classmates—who needs to hear that she is beautiful and loved by God?

School and the Father Factor

Then our sons in their youth will be like well-nurtured plants, and our daughters will be like pillars carved to adorn a palace. –Psalm 144:12

            According to Fatherhood.gov, When fathers are involved in the lives of their children, especially their education, their children learn more, perform better in school, and exhibit healthier behavior. Even when fathers do not share a home with their children, their active involvement can have a lasting and positive impact. And, when non-custodial fathers are highly involved with their children’s learning, the children are more likely to get A's at all grade levels. Other studies have shown that approximately 85 percent of a child’s brain is developed by age three, and preschoolers with actively involved fathers have stronger verbal skills (a must for every parent!). Thus it is extremely fair to say that fathers, whether married or single, play a crucial role in a child’s brain growth and development, and overall academic success.

Making the Time Count

            As a non-custodial father myself, I am well aware of how quickly our parenting time can fly by. I also realize how valuable that time is; but that should never be an excuse to let us off the hook when it comes to investing in our children’s academic future. Use that time wisely: get homework done first (when applicable) or take advantage of a wonderful opportunity for some quality Daddy time through age-appropriate reading, puzzles, and activities. If you are the primary caregiver, then I am sure you are comfortable with a set homework time. If you don’t have one in place, it is definitely your responsibility to establish one. For us non-custodial dads, I have found that games such as Hangman (or other learning games) are a great father-child way to pass the time by; all while stimulating your kid’s brain activity. Over the summer, 15 minutes a day of reading and problem solving will help to keep their minds engaged so they can hit the ground running the following school year. In past years, I have even attached a small financial reward system based on how well my daughter does on each test I create ($1 for 10 out of 10; 75 cents for 8-9 correct, etc…). No matter what method or avenue you decide to take, be sure to uphold your God-given fatherly duties and get the homework done first before playtime. Of course, use wisdom and discernment and don’t become legalistic over it either.

Why Bother?

            Single parenthood is already challenging enough, and perhaps even a bit confusing at times (that may be an understatement). So why as single fathers should we engage in school time activities─ especially if it may eat up some of the already minimal time we share with our kids?

But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve…But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." –Josh 24:15

            Serving the Lord implies both to the natural and supernatural areas of life. Our circumstances may not be perfect; and although there may be brokenness from a previous relationship with mom, our dedication to both God and our kids must remain constant. Failure on our end to help prepare our kids academically leaves us falling short of the mark as one of their primary life leaders. As the above statistics state, our involvement now goes above and beyond just good grades. Kids with active fathers exceed in almost every social and emotional area. Our current efforts today will only reap long term benefits and prepare them to be strong, confident, and thriving adults who will be able to stand strong when the storms of life hit. Of course, we can only give what we have; so that makes our personal relationship with Christ and consistency in our own lives that much more imperative.

Mentoring

            I understand that many of you moms reading this may not have an option when it comes to Dad’s participation in your son’s or daughter’s life. My heart truly goes out to you and I encourage you to stay encouraged. Just know that many schools may already have mentoring programs established in them for at-risk students or ones who need a little extra help. I can tell you of one program in particular here in Michigan that when a student has a mentor, grades and attendance increase and negative factors such as in school suspensions decrease─ and that’s only after spending one hour a week with their mentor! Even if your child’s school does not offer an in-house program such as this, it would be a good idea to seek out someone who can help with your child’s schoolwork─ perhaps a good family or church friend, or a coworker you can trust. I would also challenge anyone reading this article that if you know of or have the opportunity to invest into a young person’s life through a mentoring relationship, to seek out God’s will concerning that through His Word and prayer.

            Men, whether full or part time, when our kids are on our watch our job is to be “Dad” and cover their every need (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) to the best of our ability during that time. All of those little “shifts”, over the years, will build a lifetime of love and responsibility for them and will leave a lasting legacy for us.

AFW YouTube videos

Here are the links to our first set of YouTube videos based off of the book A Father's Walk: A Christian-Based Resource for Single Fathers. You can order the book online at www.afatherswalk.org or the ebook on Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, or Westbowpress.com. Please feel free to share these with any and all single fathers you may know!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8nWUeW522U

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHcc04LX1rA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKyTijLq5Lg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-edCxOP7zMk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDua1VwD3Ow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=os8Xhos1lhE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-dd0O7rNDo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO_GZpHCd_0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Plr9qaSzDYo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HU5c8SWu12k

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcAErJr2R4E

The Love/Hate List of a Single Dad

Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name. –Hebrews 13:15 (NKJV)

            I recently read a post by fellow Christian author Elisabeth Klein entitled What I Hate & Love about Being Divorced. In short, Elisabeth compiled a brief, yet fully packed, list of the pro’s and con’s (as she points out─ the “love” portion is used loosely in regards to being divorced) of living as a divorced and single mother. Well, I’ve had “one of those weeks” myself when it comes to co-parenting, finances, work overload, and trying to keep it all together as a leader and a father. Thus, Elisabeth’s post sparked a thought of my own as to what I could consider the things I love and hate (I prefer “dislike”) about being a single dad. So, here goes:

Dislikes:

*Not seeing my daughter every day

*Not being able to just pick up the phone and call her any time I want

*She doesn’t have my last name

*Mom treats me like a second-class citizen rather than as our daughter’s father

*I feel like she thinks the rules (court order) don’t apply to her

*My daughter calls both me AND another guy (her step father) “Dad”

*The generally accepted (and often validated) idea that dads get the short end in custody and divorce cases, no matter how “fit and willing” they may be

*I support my daughter’s relationship with her mom and step dad, but I don’t think it goes both ways

*Even though I have it rough occasionally, I often see other single dads go through worse

*The anxiety of having to deal with nonsense and illogic, and how it seems to creep up out of nowhere sometimes

*I need to go through my daughter’s teacher just to be filled in on school stuff

*I have to call the doctor’s office to find out when the next appointment is

*The fact that I sometimes allow the busyness of life affect my precious time with my daughter

*Trying to co-parent through texts and emails as opposed to talking civilly face to face

*Saying goodbye to my daughter after a concert or game…as she goes one way and I go the other

*Not knowing if I will ever be able to have more kids, because I’m not sure if I will ever be married

*(This can apply for any unequally yoked relationship): Staying in the Spirit and holding to a higher standard when dealing with others who don’t operate on the same level as we do

*Holidays or weekends with no significant other…especially when I don’t have my daughter on those days either

*Not seeing my daughter every holiday or birthday

*Wishing I had “known what I know now” so I hadn’t put myself or her in this situation

Love:

*Being a Dad is one of the greatest gifts EVER!

*I am active and completely involved in my daughter’s life

*Despite “the other guy”, she still calls me “Dad” and I know where I rank on her list

*(Tailing off the above comment): When we are lying in bed at night and she says in her adorable little voice, “Did you know you’re the best daddy in the whole world?”

*Through Christ, I have been able to overcome and/or deal with some of the trials listed above

*I know a good portion of how she will view herself as an adult comes through my relationship with her now

*Me being active in her schooling will only reap positive results

*When we are walking through a parking lot and her little hand reaches up to hold mine

*When I do have her, I make the time count (to the best of my ability)

*I still get to do all of the “Dad things”: Rough-housing, playing, conferences, homework, concerts and games, movies, daddy/daughter “date nights” (an especially valued benefit), paint her room, show her how to do certain tasks, etc…

*God has given me the heart and ability to lead other single fathers in Christ

*I realize being a Dad is FOR LIFE…not just ‘til she’s 18

*There is occasionally an abundance of free time; and sometimes every other weekend does have its perks

*I have tons of free time to work on ministry

*I get to take my daughter to church on the weekends I have her

*I get to pray with her each time we are together

*Watching her grow through all the different phases of life; and the fact I appreciate it all

*Though I may stumble as a dad, I know I won’t ever fall…because my Father is perfect, and He is all I need to lead her

*Realizing that she doesn’t belong to me….I just get to steward her for greater purposes

*I believe being a dad is included in Jesus’ promise of “life abundantly” in John 10:10

            I know this may not sit right with our egos fellas, but check this out: When the going gets tough, the “tough” need to hit their knees and go straight to God. That may not be in the Bible, but it IS scriptural! Hold fast to His promises in your life today and be sure to thank Him daily for the blessings He constantly bestows on each one of us.

Blessed be the Lord, who daily loads us with benefits… -Psalm 68:19

Strength in the Weakness

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” –Matt 11:28-30 (NASB)

            I thought it was just me, but there seems to be a lot of heaviness and people who are just “worn out” lately; from work, stress, and life in general. Being a single parent is definitely no easy task, and our daily burdens seem to be magnified perhaps greater than our single or married peers. But I think it goes beyond that. Our enemy loves to get us to a place where we become so distracted and worn down that we run ourselves in circles…and eventually right into his traps.

            I was reminded that TODAY is National Single Parents Day. What a great way to celebrate….not in feelings of failure and despair; but rather in the fact that our Savior is readily available to not only take our burdens off of our shoulders and onto His; but that He gives us a reason to celebrate our victory in Him! Holy week is less than a month away. Now is a greater time than ever to begin to refresh your relationship with the Lord if needed, to seek Him for even greater heights, and to proclaim the greatness He represents in each of our lives.

            Yes, it may feel like you are constantly pouring out: to others, to your kids, and even to God. Take inventory today of where you may be drying up spiritually and allow Jesus to be the one to refill you. I recently attended a prayer and praise night at my church…and wow! Did I ever need that! Celebrate your day today single dads and moms; but not necessarily in your earthly position…but in your heavenly position as an overcomer in Christ and a child of God. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA

 

How to Start Your Own Single Parenting Expo

“Before they are eighteen, about half of our Nation’s children will have lived part of their lives with a single parent who strives to fill the role of both mother and father…Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim March 21, 1984 as National Single Parents Day…”

            Thirty years later, Reagan’s predictions are more than accurate. Single parent households have now become the dominant form of residence in our nation; yet the resources available to them are still way too thin and scattered. Three years ago, God laid on the hearts of myself and a friend’s to brainstorm, assemble, and provide a new way of reaching out to single parents: a one-day “Expo” style event designed to provide single parents with the resources they need─ all in one place and at one time! Thus, on March 17^th, 2012, the inaugural Grand Rapids Single Parenting Expo was launched. We held our event at the Salvation Army Kroc Center in downtown GR; had about 10 vendors present; and about 20 guests total. Humble beginnings for such a big vision. Last year we moved locations to another building, had about 20 vendors available, and served about 30-40 guests. This past weekend, we again had 20 organizations represented, plus several speakers, door prize giveaways, and activities for the kids, and a food truck to serve families in need. We served over 50-60 guests inside the building and another 130+ outside at the food truck! Needless to say, the Expo has grown every year in its short existence.

            I am extremely excited by what God has done through the Expo the last three years, and I truly believe it is only going to get bigger and better…not for our glory, but for His. My prayer and vision is to see events like this pop up all over the nation in hopes of reaching so many single parents that are right at our fingertips to help, but we are missing valuable opportunities.

            Thus, here are a few quick tips on what I have discovered has worked over the past three years and in hopes to help you, should you feel led, to begin a Single Parenting Expo in your own city.

1.      Good idea vs. God idea

The Bible tells us to “commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.” (Ps 37:4) Seek Him through prayer and His Word before making any decisions to move forward and make sure this is His will instead of your own.

 

2.      Your vendors

-Both faith-based and non faith-based

-Local organizations, as well as national programs

-Non profits and businesses alike

-Variety in whom they serve (Early childhood, divorced persons, men/women, teens, financial, legal, etc… Try to cover all bases, if possible)

-Low registration fee (I keep mine at $25/table)

 

3.      Your guests

-Make them feel welcomed! Single parents are often so overwhelmed that small things like greetings, free food, prayer, and just overall love will be something they so desperately need and absorb.

-No admission fee. This is your call, but personally, I don’t think a struggling single mom or dad is interested in anything that is going to cost them valuable monetary resources. My goal with the Grand Rapids SPE is to NEVER have to charge our guests a fee

-This day is about them. Paul reminds us in 1Corinthians 13 that we can do all the works with all the bells and whistles, but if we don’t have love…we have gained nothing. Use your event as a way to present the Gospel and in its true form to your attendees

 

4.      Promotion

-Whatever you can do to get the word out is beneficial. I recommend as many free or low cost avenues as possible: social media, flyers, TV/newspaper article. I have even been as fortunate to find a resource (a Christian single father) who is one of the top dogs at our West Michigan Clear Channel radio stations! Tell me that’s not a God thing?! “He opens doors that only He can open…”

-Be enthusiastic! People will come if they know your true heart and passion behind it. When we have the Gospel sown so deep into our own hearts first, it will naturally spring forth for others to see.

5.      Cater to the kids

-Remember, this is NOT daycare. And for liability reasons, don’t try to make it. Have things like games, coloring, face painting, and even inflatables (if you can swing it) for the kids to do. This will allow your guests to walk freely around the room and talk with vendors without having Junior constantly pull at their clothes because he’s bored.

 

6.      Giveaways

-I mentioned we gave away some great door prizes this year; and have in the years past too. Single parents are all too often completely depleted when it comes to financial resources…as well as physical, mental, and emotional strength. A pampering package to a local spa for a struggling single mom or a free dinner for a single dad may mean more to them than we could ever possibly know.

-Registration Cards. These are great for collecting personal information such as emails and phone numbers to inform your guest of future events. Assure them that you will never give their information out and would never “spam” them.

 

7.      Post follow up

-A follow up survey to both your guests and your vendors will provide valuable information and suggestions of how you can continue to grow and expand your own Single Parenting Expo. Although the questions may vary a bit between the vendors and guest, the overall data collected will provide a good base to build off of.

8.      Keep God on the Throne

-Although a Single Parenting Expo may not always be a “religious” event, the motivation behind it should always be to reach the lost for God’s purposes and introduce them to Christ. Survey after survey has shown that some of the most immediate resources single parents believe they need are things like food, shelter, and clothes. While this is very true, let us never forget who is the One where all good things come from (James 1:17)

-The least of these (Read Matthew 25:35-40)

 

            While this is a general and abbreviated overview of what it takes to put together your own Single Parenting Expo in your city, I pray it has been a good start for you. Please know I am always open to talk further to anyone who is willing in exploring the vision of helping us to form SPE’s all over the nation and world. Feel free to contact me at any time if you would like to discuss this further or visit our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/grandrapidssingleparentexpo.

Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established. –Prov 16:3 (NASB)

Co-Parenting with an Ex: Are You an Advocate...or Adversary?

Here is the latest AFW article from Crosswalk.com:

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/parenting/single-parents/co-parenting-with-an-ex-are-you-an-advocate-or-adversary.html?ps=0