Making Time for What Matters the Most

Here is the latest article of mine from Crosswalk, posted a couple weeks ago:

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/parenting/single-parents/making-time-for-what-matters-most.html?ps=0

Super DADS

For any father (single or married) in Kent County, MI. This is a FREE event and will include dinner and prizes. Please register by Friday Sept 20th by calling Latesha at (616) 331-5954.

Is He Lord?

God’s Word will tear you up- no doubt about that. We know it may not always be comfortable (often isn’t), but His ways are perfect and the end result is always greater than we could ever imagine. So when I was digging through the Gospels the other day and came across two extremely firm statements of Jesus’, they pierced deep into my heart:

“But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord’ and not do the things which I say?” –Luke 6:46

“If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed.” –John 8:31

I had a great conversation with a gentleman last night who is battling a pretty tough stronghold. As we talked, I explained to him that although his intentions to be a better husband, father, and employee were all honorable attributes, he would never reach that point if he was keeping Jesus on the sidelines (that goes for all of us). As sinful individuals, we always want to give God almost everything- but hold onto that one part of us that we cannot let go of. A mentor of mine calls this a “pet sin”: http://afatherswalkgr.blogspot.com/2013/08/letting-go-of-nut-in-your-life.html

It is only when we are able to finally reach that point of surrendering ourselves fully to the Lord that the other areas in our life can then be healed, restored, and blessed- not the other way around.

We tend to hold on to these pet sins, unhealthy emotions, and forms of character, all of which are an idol of some sort- and they all they all hinder us from reaching our true potential. Even I tend to not to let some things go because they have been such a big part of my life for so long and I honestly sometimes cannot envision what my life would be like without them. But then yesterday the Lord spoke clear as day to me: “Matt, I want to take you to the next level, but cannot if you are still holding on to these things.” God can only work with what we are willing to give Him. The sad truth is that although we worship every weekend the price that Christ paid for us, we completely diminish it when He asks the same in return.

There isn’t a single part in the Bible that says it’s okay to give God anything less than our best. The cool thing about that is what Jesus says next in John: “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” (v 32) If we want to live the life God intended for us- then we need to be intentional about living our lives for Him.

The Perception of Single Fatherhood

Here's the link to an article I wrote for Crosswalk a few weeks ago on the above topic:

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/parenting/single-parents/the-perception-of-single-fatherhood.html?ps=0

Non-Custodial Single Dads and Back to School

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial… -James 1:12 (NASB)

It’s back to school time and there are a thousands of blogs, articles, interviews, and whatnot going out on the subject (no pun intended); but I seriously doubt many (maybe a few tops) will deal with non-custodial single fathers. I’m not saying that to brag that I had some Devine vision or anything, but I definitely don’t want to be redundant and repeat what countless other authors are agreeing or disagreeing on. Instead, I will stick with my little niche here and do my best to help those dads that often fall through the cracks.

As most of you may know, I have been a non-custodial dad since day one. The upcoming school year always brings up a variety of emotions for me. Of course there is always excitement and some good old-fashioned (not sinful) daddy-pride as my daughter ventures into a new grade. The wonder of what we will get to do and experience and watching as it all unfolds over the course of the year is always super fun. Yet, there is usually a bit of anxiety that I need to lay down too. Things have changed over the past couple years for me. My daughter’s mom got married and that has brought in a variety of dynamics and complications- especially when it comes to school. Rather than dwell on boring downers, let’s take a brief and thorough look at what we as dads can do to make sure our kids not only have a blast this school year, but thrive and succeed too

Pray

Do the math. Even in two parent homes our kids are usually in someone else’s care more than our own. As single fathers, that ratio is even more lopsided. Ezekiel 22:30 says God is looking for a man to “stand in the gap” on behalf of others. As fathers, that should be our number one priority when our children are away from us. Be specific: cover them in safety, blessing, schoolwork, friendships, decision-making, and so on. And of course, make sure you are praying with them every chance you get as well.

Stay Involved

Numerous studies have shown that children with active and engaged fathers, especially in schoolwork, are generally more confident and emotionally stable, deal with stress better, and do better overall in school and cognitive ability. I know our time with our kids may be limited, but play time is not what we are called to do- leading and preparing our children for adulthood is. Use your time with your kids to get homework done first- then go play. If you don’t have access to homework, stay in the loop by reading with them, doing flash cards, and various educational workbooks from the store. For older kids make sure you emphasize the importance of them staying on track with schoolwork and maybe even use the time together to do some research on certain topics. Whatever helps them to grow and spend quality time with their dad is a plus.

Go around if need be

Look, peace with mom should always be a top goal of ours (Matt 22:39). However, that may not always be possible. It seems like every year I have to go to the school and make sure my contact info is in my daughter’s file; that I have to contact the teachers on the side to stay updated; and schedule a separate conference. Do your own homework and get on the school’s website or email the teacher directly to learn more information. What I’ve found out is most of the time schools and teachers LOVE having dads involved. Of course, do everything in a Christ-like way and never bad mouth the other party.

Be at school events

This is an area so many dads miss out on- even the married ones. As long as there are no outside factors inhibiting you such as work schedule or worse- legal documents (like a PPO), then making it to your son’s or daughter’s games, concerts, conferences, and other events should be mandatory. Not only does this increase your physical presence in their life- but also the emotional. It shows them that you really care and once they are grown and look back on life, they will be able to say, “My dad was always there as much as he could be.” You can also look for other opportunities to see them, like volunteering through the school or getting involved in great programs such as Watch D.O.G.S.

I realize all of this may or may not apply to your particular situation, and I’m sure there is probably some other scenarios I did not cover. The point is that as single dads, communication between us and mom, the school, and perhaps our children isn’t always the smoothest; but no matter what, we need to make the strongest effort we can to stay involved and encouraging when it comes to our kids’ schooling. Steward to the best of your ability the things that are within your control- and leave the rest in God’s hands. When you do, you not only fill your obligation as a godly dad, but develop strong character traits that help you grow in your walk with Christ.

Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength…Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord. –Jer 17:5,7 (NKJV)

Soul Ties and Singles

My final guest blogger for this month is Jennifer Maggio of The Life of a Single Mom ministry (www.thelifeofasinglemom.com). Jennifer is an award-winning author and speaker who travels the country sharing her personal story of homelessness, abuse, and teen pregnancy. She is founder of the global nonprofit, The Life of a Single Mom, and has appeared on countless radio and television programs. For more information, visit http://www.jennifermaggio.com.

I was raised in a small, conservative church. It was common to talk about God and Jesus, but rarely did we discuss the Holy Spirit. I always perceived the Holy Spirit as kind of "too spiritual" maybe "too unknown" or "too scary", so I just didn't talk much about it. Our church sometimes talked about wanting the Holy Spirit to show up, but I often wondered if we feared that it actually would! This is the reason that I think I had never really heard of Soul Ties in years past. I found that myself and many of my Christian friends didn't discuss the things unseen, spiritual impact, or the warfare that takes place every day -- even though the Bible talks clearly about it.

Have you ever heard of the term Soul Tie? Admittedly, it was a new term for me in my early Christian walk, as well. You will not read those words in the Bible, and I haven't found it to be a frequent discussion in churches. But the simplest definition for a soul tie is spiritual tie. Spiritual connections/ties are often referred to in the Bible.

Okay, so here are some of the ways a Soul Tie is developed:

* Sex (Eph 5:31)
* Close relationships (as in with Jonathan and David in 1 Sam. 18)
* Vows & Commitments (such as "I will always love you." "You and I will be together forever." And so on).

As you can see, Soul Ties can be really cool, as with Jonathan and David and the close friendship they had. Additionally, it exhibits the closeness and importance of sex inside marriage, outside of just the physicality of it, but rather the spiritual aspects. However, Soul Ties can also be detrimental, such as when we have sex outside marriage, a marriage fails, or we speak eternal vows that tie us (such as telling a boyfriend we will always love him).

Soul ties are dangerous when you have had sex with multiple partners, verbalized eternal commitments to others, pursued close ungodly relationships, or had a failed marriage. It's important to recognize who you are tied to, before you can break free from the tie.

Maybe you've struggled with this and didn't even realize it was a soul tie. Are you a single mom who has struggled to move past the hurt from your ex? Do you struggle with commitment due to past hurt? Do you find it hard to end a relationship that you know is bad for you? Or maybe you feel like an ex has some type of "hold on you"? Have you struggled with sexual sin? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you have most certainly struggled with soul ties.

Let's talk about some ways to break free from soul ties:

* One way to break a soul tie is confessing sin, when applicable. If you have had sex outside marriage, you have formed a spiritual tie to that person. You have to confess the sin and repent.

*If gifts were given in an unholy relationship, GET RID OF THEM. Don't hold on to a shirt, a teddy bear, a letter, etc., given to you in an ungodly relationship. You're inviting trouble into your home and head.

*If you have made a rash commitment to someone, (I will always love you. There will never be another man for me.), then renounce it and repent of it, aloud. And...be careful to not keep doing it!

*Breaking Soul Ties also means forgiving the person. This is a tough one for single parents who have been hurt by an ex or who are still seeing a struggle with the commitment the ex has to your children (or lack of commitment). But if you don't forgive, you don't move on. He/She will have you captive to the past from now on. Release it.

*There is power in the name of Jesus. If you discover Soul Ties in your life and recognize you need to break them, renounce the tie in Jesus' name, aloud (even if you aren't comfortable with it and feel a little weird).

Letting Go of the "Nut" in Your Life

Our next guest blogger for the month of August is Clare De Graff. Clare is the author of The 10 Second Rule, a mentor, and I am grateful to say- a friend as well. You can follow his blog and learn more about the ministry and his book at  http://www.claredegraaf.com/.

When I meet with “driven” men, or those in a tough spot in their marriage or wounded by their “ex”, I’ll often ask them if they have a “nut” they just won’t, or can’t let go of.

I’m told there are tribes who have a unique method of capturing monkeys. It seems they drill a 1 ½” hole in a coconut, drain the milk and dry the meat. A large nut is then dropped through the hole and a short rope or chain is attached. One end is tied to the coconut and the other to a tree.

Soon a monkey will come along, pick up the coconut, shake it and hearing the nut rattling around inside, will reach through the hole for the nut. However, now the monkey’s fist holding the nut is larger than the hole and he can’t remove it.

All he’d have to do to be free is let go of the nut. But, soon the trapper comes along holding a club. The frightened monkey starts running around the palm tree and with each turn shortens the rope until there’s no slack left and he’s clubbed to death.

How stupid we think! But, many of us are gripping a “nut” of our own, and if we don’t let it go, will kill us.

So, what’s your nut?

Your nut may be an addiction, a relationship you know is wrong, or a wound from the past you simply haven’t been able to forgive and forget, or a person in your life who continues to make your life miserable. Your nut may be keeping you up at night, or be killing other important relationships in your life, including your relationship with God.

I know a woman so wounded by her former husband that it has kept her from ever truly trusting a man again. And that nut has even contaminated her own children’s view of men – killing future relationships before they’ve even developed.

I meet with men all the time whose nut is pornography. For others it’s sports, Fantasy Football, or working hard, not just to provide for their family, but so they can buy the next thing they think will make them happy. Many men spend more time every day working out or running than alone with God in Bible study and prayer. Their nut drives them to whatever it is that takes away the pain or makes them feel better about themselves. Sound familiar?

“For a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him.” II Peter 2:19b