A New Kind of Reconciliation With a Former Spouse

Our first guest blogger this month is a very close friend of mine. Clare DeGraff has been a spiritual mentor for hundreds of men, including me. He is also a friend, brother in Christ, and a truly genuine representation of a Christ-follower. I pray you are blessed by his words here. –Matt

Almost every divorced Christian I know cannot imagine reconciling with their former spouse.  So much hurt, so many bitter words and fights. “Clare, why would I take that risk and jump back into that snake pit again?”

Not only are there those risks, but in most cases one or both of the spouses have remarried.  “So, Clare even if I wanted to reconcile with my ex it is impossible.”

Surprisingly, it isn’t.  At least, not the kind of reconciliation I’m encouraging.

So what follows is the advice I gave to a divorced man recently that you may want to pass on to a divorced friend, or anyone at odds with another believer.

Webster defines reconcile this way; “to cause people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement.”

The Bible says this, “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” - Luke 6:27,28

 

Reconciling with your “ex”

While you may be legally divorced from your former spouse, if he/she is a believer they are still your spiritual brother and sister.  And it is the will of God that we live reconciled to one another and in peace.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.” -2Corinthians 13:11

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,”  -Galatians 5:22

Peace is not only one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, but we’re to use all of our spiritual gifts to bring about peace.

Continuing my conversation with this man, “You’re not only expected to make an effort to live at peace with your ‘ex,’ it’s to your advantage to do so;” Why?

 

First, it’s a testimony to the power of the Holy Spirit to your children.

If you have children, for the rest of your life, you and your ex will have to negotiate holidays, weddings, birthdays, graduation and special events, even those of your grandchildren.  What a wonderful testimony to them of how Christians ought to live, even with people who disagree, if both you and your ex could attend and be kind and courteous to one another, so no innocent parties are made to feel uncomfortable.

Second, you will have peace of mind and your prayers will not be hindered.

This may be hard to hear; but unless you’ve had a biblical divorce, biblically speaking, your ex is still your spouse, in God’s eyes.  And therefore when you are bitter or angry with your spouse it’s tougher to pray with a free conscience. (1 Peter 3:7)

Third, Jesus commands us to attempt to make peace even if you are the innocent party!

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,” -Matthew 5:23.  Jesus isn’t saying if you have something against them.  He’s talking about them having hard feelings about you.  Perhaps your spouse still harbors hard feelings toward you.  You have an obligation to try to make peace

To harbor hateful thoughts is a sin.

“But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.” -Matthew 5:22
 

My final thought is this; you have no control over whether your ex will accept your offer of reconciliation and peace.  But you do have the responsibility as a believer to make a sincere effort.

 

Making the first moves

1.     Begin by praying for a receptive spirit in your former spouse, or another person whom you are at odds.

2.     Consider calling you ex and offering to meet with a godly friend you both trust, who is willing to help you navigate this reconciliation.  (If you or your ex have remarried, it would be very unwise to meet without a third person present.)

3.     Attempt to move beyond open hostility and discuss continuing tensions and how to eliminate or minimize them.

4.     If you come to a mutual understanding about how you will handle certain issues, put it in writing.  It will give both of you something to refer to in the future.

5.     Covenant to pray for one another.  I’ve yet to meet two “enemies” who committed to pray faithfully for “the best” for the other person, who remained enemies.

Finally

If you’ve sent this blog to someone, ask to meet with them.  Most people wounded by divorce are hesitant to take these steps without a faithful, praying friend to encourage them to do so.  Be that kind of friend.

 

 

How following Jesus works in real life.

 

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August is Guest Blogger Month!

Our annual "Guest Blogger Month" starts next week! Please look for upcoming posts from single parent and ministry experts from around the nation and be sure to SHARE their information!

We will resume the "Ten Deadly Traps" series beginning in September.

In His Name,

Matt

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Not Recognizing Their Significance

I’m going to talk from personal experience here, and primarily from a non-custodial standpoint. That is not to say what I write here doesn’t apply to primary custodial fathers, because it does too; but I want to emphasize that the majority (83%) of the time moms will be the primary caregiver in single parent homes. Thus, it is easy for a father to be viewed by himself and others as the “other” or “second” parent.

Since my daughter’s birth her mom has always had primary physical custody. I often felt pushed aside, not kept in the loop, and as an outsider looking in. The truth then is the same as it is now: I will always be my daughter’s father, and my involvement in her life carries great weight (as does yours in your children’s lives). Not recognizing our significance in the lives of our children can originally stem from a variety of previous experiences including lack of knowledge of how children with/without fathers do overall academically, socially, and emotionally; listening to the lies of others and allowing that to dictate our thoughts and self-perception, and low self-esteem to begin with.  

If this is news to you, let me offer some insight as to how to break free from this trap. I am not saying this will change everything significant regarding your parenting time and/or current situation, but it will surely help you grow as a man and father. With that, who knows what else may come out of it!

Start out by staying connected and engaged with your kids as much as you can. Use the time you have to really build solid relationships and quality time. During the days you don’t have them, use some creativity to surprise them with things like new decorations in their room, a make-over of the house…something kid-friendly like a fort or game you all can play. Or my personal favorite: start a journal for them filled with the memories you all spend together and the way you miss them and love them when they’re gone (this is a great gift to give them when they are young adults!). I also highly recommend investing in yourself regularly through spending time with God in prayer and the Word. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you (James 4:8).

As the years and different phases of life pass, continue building on the relationship with your children, noting the impacts you are making along the way. Acquire a mentor and have him help you set life goals for you and the kids- such as a rite of passage, identifying their spiritual gifts, and continuing/beginning new traditions. Stand firm on the words of Joshua, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Josh 24:15) and make that a continual priority. Stay faithful and watch how God shows up in the lives of you and your children.

Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments –Deut 7:9 (NKJV)

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Competing With the Other Parent

“Guilty as charged.” That’s how I stand on this one. For a good portion of my daughter’s early years I found myself constantly competing with her mom…vying for my daughter’s approval (despite her being too young to know any different anyways). I was fighting a losing battle, one that I (literally) could not afford much longer. It actually got to the point of where I used to loathe saying “we can’t afford that” or “I don’t have any money”. What I should have been doing all along was investing in my daughter with the things I could control: my time, my resources, and the way I handled it all. I allowed things that didn’t matter to crowd out the things that did- I wonder how many other single parents do the same?

Look guys, whether you have primary custody or minimal, PLEASE don’t make the same mistakes I did! I allowed my pride to distract me from my parenting; and often negative emotions to dominate positive ones. If you currently find yourself doing the same when it comes to comparing yourself to the other home, then STOP! Seriously, nothing is more important than investing in your kids through your words, time, and acts of love. Some of the best times I’ve had with my daughter since I broke free from this trap have included building a cardboard neighborhood on the floor, climbing dunes in the summer and sledding down hills in the winter, annual trips through a local Christmas light attraction, and telling her funny stories at bedtime. When it’s all said and done, these are the things I’m sure she will remember when I’m gone…not the big trips or flashy gifts.

Sounds good, I know; but I also realize how emotions can get the best of us too. If you still struggle with feeling inadequate or how “fair” things seem to be, then I highly recommend you bring it before the Lord in prayer and ask Him to guide your heart. Focus on getting Christ in and let Him do the heart transplant. Ask Him to give you fresh ideas and to bring new opportunities forth for you to do with your kids. And by all means, don’t stop the traditions you already have going with them! If anything, this will show strength and resilience on your part to be able to overcome trials and still be able to pour into your son or daughter.

Jesus tells us that the greatest love we can show is laying our lives down for others (John 15:13) and Paul reminds us that the things that last forever are often that which we cannot see (2Cor 4:18). What prayer can you start praying today and what moves can you begin to make to take the competition between homes out of your life and replace it on a foundation in Christ?

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Sexual Immorality

“I can’t imagine being a single man and living in today’s world.” That statement came from a female friend of mine as we were discussing sexual temptation and the barrage of sexual images the average person crosses every day. Billboards. Magazine or TV ads. And yes, the mall! I appreciate her honesty when she made that statement but I am confident temptation is not limited to only single guys. Any hot-blooded man (or woman) is in a continual battle of flesh vs. Spirit on a daily basis- it only depends on which one they want to serve.

Regarding being a single father though, sexual temptation and immorality has to be one of the forefront battles we face continually. Whether it is a “peek” (or more) online, some inappropriate flirting with a lady, or a relationship that has crossed over purity barriers multiple times, we always seem to find an excuse instead of owning up to the sin. We justify: “Well I can’t be expected to remain pure forever, what if I never get married again?” Or, boredom sets in. Down time. Stress. Any one of these is a trap waiting to happen if not replaced with a healthy alternative. Worst of all, we begin to hang out with someone who we believe “gets” us. Maybe she has been through a similar situation, is in a similar situation, or the perceived feelings of you both helping each other turns fascination and excitement into sin. Trust me, I know- I fell into this one several years back. Although we didn’t go “all the way”, it wasn’t a God-honoring relationship and I eventually broke it off.

The flesh is extremely hard to crucify- it is a conscious choice we must make on a daily basis. Overcoming it on the short-term will require setting boundaries and protective barriers based on God’s Word (Psalm 119:9, 11, 101, 105), acquiring an accountability partner, prayer and fasting, and keeping any “secret sin” exposed. Long-term freedom means sticking to your guns when the heat comes and holding fast to your boundaries; getting rid of any temptations or triggers, and ending an unhealthy relationship. Any of the above may be painful, but to be able to stand clean before God on a regular basis carries eternal weight versus temporary and unfulfilling pleasures.

The Apostle Paul tells us in 1Thess 4:3-5, 7: For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. (NASB)

Yeah, I know…good teaching but tough living. Don’t beat yourself up if you fall or are currently caught up in sexual sin; but don’t wait either! Begin making the necessary changes in your life to live more pure and seek the Lord’s guidance through prayer and wise counsel. It may sound cliché, but the satisfaction of being able to stand with a clear heart, mind, and body before God will never be overshadowed by worldly pleasure. Plus, you will now be setting the standard for your children when they encounter the same struggles and will have an unshakable foundation to lead them through it. You can do it Dad!

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Depression

It’s pretty well known that in general, men don’t like to ask for help (speaking personally here). We don’t need a map when it comes to knowing which way to go; we can fix anything without directions; and of course we are always well-versed when it comes to working our way around a clothing store and making sure everything matches perfectly! At the risk of driving a bit longer when we didn’t have to, not all of the parts working right after we “fixed” something, or defying many of the latest fashion trends, the consequences of men not asking for help can often be minimal- but not when it comes to depression.

If we are not on guard, failure to address the hurts and frustrations of single parenting and/or our current situations can develop from sadness into something more serious, such as depression. Society tells us to “suck it up” or keep it in. If left untreated (like asking for help, guys!), depression can sink in deeper; potentially leading to physical health and mental degeneration, isolation, or risky/addictive behaviors.

But there is a way to prevent this or to break free! First off, recognize that you may be in depression or heading that way. Drop the ego or mindset that you (we) can work this out on our own. Build a strong support system of other healthy Christian men around you whom you can call on when needed and who will check in on you. Perhaps change to a more nutritious diet and add in an exercise routine (at a doctor’s discretion first). Definitely increase your prayer life and ask God for the ability to renew your mind; to have “the mind of Christ”.  Don’t be ashamed to look into Christian counseling and apply it when needed. Finally, if and when it is possible, stay engaged with your children; doing your best not to let your struggles hinder your parenting ability. That is not to say we should hide everything from our kids, they need to see we struggle too and how we can work through it in a godly way. Just do your best to give them your best when they are with you. God gives us the ability to overcome anything through Christ; but He also provides other individuals and resources in our lives to help us through too. Don’t wait! Today is the day of freedom- whether breaking free from depression, or never allowing it to begin in the first place.

 

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. –Isaiah 42:10 (NASB)

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Jealousy

Single parenting is birthed out of loss: primarily the loss of a relationship; but often followed by areas such as finances, possessions, and as we discussed in the previous post- maybe even our identity. If our foundation has been rocked, or it wasn’t very sturdy to begin with, it is quite easy to covet others’ lives. As time passes on, we may see an even greater increase in this if we don’t stay on alert. Holidays become more difficult to bear as couples seem to be everywhere celebrating together; our broken down rides stick out like a sore thumb next to someone else’s new car; perhaps your ex has a new man around your kids and that’s a tough one to swallow; and don’t even get me started on how easy it is to lose focus on social media! Did you know that studies have shown that the more often someone (usually teens in this case, but I think it applies to all) is on Facebook the more depressed they become? Why? Because most of us only post the good things on social media, thus our lives seem so mundane compared to theirs. Of course, they are looking back at your life and thinking the exact same thing!

The point is, being jealous (i.e. coveting) is a sin (Exodus 20:17), and God never meant for us to live that way. It may sound cliché, but as you learn to find contentment in what you DO have and the eternal value in those things you have the opportunity to gain a whole new perspective on life. Trust me, I used to loathe saying “we don’t have money for that” to my daughter. I got caught up in trying to compete with her mom and that side of the family rather than parenting her the way God intended me to. I have now found ways to create awesome memories that she and I can hold on to forever- and most of the time they come at zero to minimal cost! You can do the same too.

Jesus tells us in Matthew 6 not to worry about what we will eat or wear- to seek first the kingdom of God and the rest will be added to us. Paul follows this up in Philippians 4 by telling us we have the ability (through Christ) to be content in all of life’s circumstances. Where do you find yourself today? Do you find yourself becoming jealous of what others have (or what you don’t have)? Is there something of the sort that is eating away at you and stealing your joy and hindering your ability to parent your children effectively? Or, do you find yourself dying daily to the things of old and seeking things with an eternal value? When we can get to the point that we no longer desire what others have, but find true contentment in the blessings that are already around us, we reach a crucial point of maturity in our faith walk and avoid one of the most deceptive traps that can be thrown our way.  I pray the result will be the memories you and your children will be able to dwell upon some day and see how God was working all along.

So we fix our eyes on not what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seem is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -2Cor 4:18 (NIV)