A New Kind of Reconciliation With a Former Spouse

Our first guest blogger this month is a very close friend of mine. Clare DeGraff has been a spiritual mentor for hundreds of men, including me. He is also a friend, brother in Christ, and a truly genuine representation of a Christ-follower. I pray you are blessed by his words here. –Matt

Almost every divorced Christian I know cannot imagine reconciling with their former spouse.  So much hurt, so many bitter words and fights. “Clare, why would I take that risk and jump back into that snake pit again?”

Not only are there those risks, but in most cases one or both of the spouses have remarried.  “So, Clare even if I wanted to reconcile with my ex it is impossible.”

Surprisingly, it isn’t.  At least, not the kind of reconciliation I’m encouraging.

So what follows is the advice I gave to a divorced man recently that you may want to pass on to a divorced friend, or anyone at odds with another believer.

Webster defines reconcile this way; “to cause people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement.”

The Bible says this, “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” - Luke 6:27,28

 

Reconciling with your “ex”

While you may be legally divorced from your former spouse, if he/she is a believer they are still your spiritual brother and sister.  And it is the will of God that we live reconciled to one another and in peace.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.” -2Corinthians 13:11

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,”  -Galatians 5:22

Peace is not only one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, but we’re to use all of our spiritual gifts to bring about peace.

Continuing my conversation with this man, “You’re not only expected to make an effort to live at peace with your ‘ex,’ it’s to your advantage to do so;” Why?

 

First, it’s a testimony to the power of the Holy Spirit to your children.

If you have children, for the rest of your life, you and your ex will have to negotiate holidays, weddings, birthdays, graduation and special events, even those of your grandchildren.  What a wonderful testimony to them of how Christians ought to live, even with people who disagree, if both you and your ex could attend and be kind and courteous to one another, so no innocent parties are made to feel uncomfortable.

Second, you will have peace of mind and your prayers will not be hindered.

This may be hard to hear; but unless you’ve had a biblical divorce, biblically speaking, your ex is still your spouse, in God’s eyes.  And therefore when you are bitter or angry with your spouse it’s tougher to pray with a free conscience. (1 Peter 3:7)

Third, Jesus commands us to attempt to make peace even if you are the innocent party!

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,” -Matthew 5:23.  Jesus isn’t saying if you have something against them.  He’s talking about them having hard feelings about you.  Perhaps your spouse still harbors hard feelings toward you.  You have an obligation to try to make peace

To harbor hateful thoughts is a sin.

“But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.” -Matthew 5:22
 

My final thought is this; you have no control over whether your ex will accept your offer of reconciliation and peace.  But you do have the responsibility as a believer to make a sincere effort.

 

Making the first moves

1.     Begin by praying for a receptive spirit in your former spouse, or another person whom you are at odds.

2.     Consider calling you ex and offering to meet with a godly friend you both trust, who is willing to help you navigate this reconciliation.  (If you or your ex have remarried, it would be very unwise to meet without a third person present.)

3.     Attempt to move beyond open hostility and discuss continuing tensions and how to eliminate or minimize them.

4.     If you come to a mutual understanding about how you will handle certain issues, put it in writing.  It will give both of you something to refer to in the future.

5.     Covenant to pray for one another.  I’ve yet to meet two “enemies” who committed to pray faithfully for “the best” for the other person, who remained enemies.

Finally

If you’ve sent this blog to someone, ask to meet with them.  Most people wounded by divorce are hesitant to take these steps without a faithful, praying friend to encourage them to do so.  Be that kind of friend.

 

 

How following Jesus works in real life.

 

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Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Not Recognizing Their Significance

I’m going to talk from personal experience here, and primarily from a non-custodial standpoint. That is not to say what I write here doesn’t apply to primary custodial fathers, because it does too; but I want to emphasize that the majority (83%) of the time moms will be the primary caregiver in single parent homes. Thus, it is easy for a father to be viewed by himself and others as the “other” or “second” parent.

Since my daughter’s birth her mom has always had primary physical custody. I often felt pushed aside, not kept in the loop, and as an outsider looking in. The truth then is the same as it is now: I will always be my daughter’s father, and my involvement in her life carries great weight (as does yours in your children’s lives). Not recognizing our significance in the lives of our children can originally stem from a variety of previous experiences including lack of knowledge of how children with/without fathers do overall academically, socially, and emotionally; listening to the lies of others and allowing that to dictate our thoughts and self-perception, and low self-esteem to begin with.  

If this is news to you, let me offer some insight as to how to break free from this trap. I am not saying this will change everything significant regarding your parenting time and/or current situation, but it will surely help you grow as a man and father. With that, who knows what else may come out of it!

Start out by staying connected and engaged with your kids as much as you can. Use the time you have to really build solid relationships and quality time. During the days you don’t have them, use some creativity to surprise them with things like new decorations in their room, a make-over of the house…something kid-friendly like a fort or game you all can play. Or my personal favorite: start a journal for them filled with the memories you all spend together and the way you miss them and love them when they’re gone (this is a great gift to give them when they are young adults!). I also highly recommend investing in yourself regularly through spending time with God in prayer and the Word. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you (James 4:8).

As the years and different phases of life pass, continue building on the relationship with your children, noting the impacts you are making along the way. Acquire a mentor and have him help you set life goals for you and the kids- such as a rite of passage, identifying their spiritual gifts, and continuing/beginning new traditions. Stand firm on the words of Joshua, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Josh 24:15) and make that a continual priority. Stay faithful and watch how God shows up in the lives of you and your children.

Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments –Deut 7:9 (NKJV)

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Competing With the Other Parent

“Guilty as charged.” That’s how I stand on this one. For a good portion of my daughter’s early years I found myself constantly competing with her mom…vying for my daughter’s approval (despite her being too young to know any different anyways). I was fighting a losing battle, one that I (literally) could not afford much longer. It actually got to the point of where I used to loathe saying “we can’t afford that” or “I don’t have any money”. What I should have been doing all along was investing in my daughter with the things I could control: my time, my resources, and the way I handled it all. I allowed things that didn’t matter to crowd out the things that did- I wonder how many other single parents do the same?

Look guys, whether you have primary custody or minimal, PLEASE don’t make the same mistakes I did! I allowed my pride to distract me from my parenting; and often negative emotions to dominate positive ones. If you currently find yourself doing the same when it comes to comparing yourself to the other home, then STOP! Seriously, nothing is more important than investing in your kids through your words, time, and acts of love. Some of the best times I’ve had with my daughter since I broke free from this trap have included building a cardboard neighborhood on the floor, climbing dunes in the summer and sledding down hills in the winter, annual trips through a local Christmas light attraction, and telling her funny stories at bedtime. When it’s all said and done, these are the things I’m sure she will remember when I’m gone…not the big trips or flashy gifts.

Sounds good, I know; but I also realize how emotions can get the best of us too. If you still struggle with feeling inadequate or how “fair” things seem to be, then I highly recommend you bring it before the Lord in prayer and ask Him to guide your heart. Focus on getting Christ in and let Him do the heart transplant. Ask Him to give you fresh ideas and to bring new opportunities forth for you to do with your kids. And by all means, don’t stop the traditions you already have going with them! If anything, this will show strength and resilience on your part to be able to overcome trials and still be able to pour into your son or daughter.

Jesus tells us that the greatest love we can show is laying our lives down for others (John 15:13) and Paul reminds us that the things that last forever are often that which we cannot see (2Cor 4:18). What prayer can you start praying today and what moves can you begin to make to take the competition between homes out of your life and replace it on a foundation in Christ?

The Heat is On

Read Mark chapter 12; and also 1Peter 1:6-7

In his letter Peter explains that we should "rejoice" in our trials- for they may even be "necessary" for our faith to increase. We often use the metaphor "in the fire" to describe the things we're going through, or even how God "turns the heat up" on us to expose and remove our iniquities. Peter says that even gold, which we consider to be one of the most valuable metals- will perish in the fire. However, our faith in God INCREASES when we're in the fire- and the result is not destruction, but PRODUCTION in our lives!

In Mark chapter 12, Jesus explains that He is the "cornerstone" of our faith (verse 10). Those who reject Him will be destroyed, but those who don't shall be part of His Kingdom. We are to love God first with all that we have, and others as ourselves (vs 29-31); Honor God with our finances (vs 17, 43, & 44); and know that Jesus is Lord (vs 35-40). When we do these things, we grow in the Lord, and when the heat is on- we WILL rejoice! For we know that we are standing on a firm foundation in Christ, growing in Him and closer to Him each day.