We All Have a Daddy Gap

Here is the link to a recent blog post I did for 1Corinthians13Parenting. Please check it out and definitely share it around!


http://www.1corinthians13parenting.com/daddy-gap/

25 Holiday Tips for Single Parents

From my good friend James Cruise at James Cruise Ministries:


http://www.jamescruise.com/#!holiday-tips/c1506

Saved versus Surrendered

Prior to my daughter’s birth, I lived quite a different life than I do now. I grew up in a single parent household. Despite a lot of affluence through things my parents gave to me, the lack of a full time father-figure and Christian foundation set the stage for the decisions I would make in the years to come. Beginning when I was 15 years old and lasting the next decade and a half, I engaged in a horrendous run of drug and alcohol addiction, sexual immorality, and self-destruction. During that time period I was arrested, overdosed twice, nearly killed in a car accident, and had a child out of wedlock.


Through the invitation of a coworker, I began to attend church early in 2001. Three weeks later, I responded to an altar call, prayed a prayer, and went home to tell everyone I had just gotten “saved”. But what did that mean? Surely I had just been introduced to the only saving grace I needed that could rescue me from my chaotic lifestyle and set me on a firm foundation─ but which way was I to go? The church never really followed up. No one ever scooped me up to mentor me. It was only a matter of time before I fell back into my old ways… The next six years that followed were really more like a roller coaster with God. I was good. I was bad. I had periods I pursued Him and stayed clean and sober; and there were times that I made some of my worst choices ever. I finally came to the end of myself after my daughter was born in 2006. Her mother and I were not on good terms and despite my upbringing, I knew I had been created to be better than what I had become. I wanted to be a great dad.


Early in 2007 a friend of mine invited me to attend his church, to which I accepted. As the pastor spoke my heart and began to burn with a passion and excitement like I had never experienced before. By the end of the service, I was making a beeline for the altar, and this time I knew what I was doing! As parents, our top priorities should be securing our own relationship with the Lord first, and then pouring into our families. For us single parents that may seem even more out of our grasp as we are constantly bogged down by juggling twice the responsibilities with half the help. It may be all we can do just to get the kids down for the night before we can get caught up with daily chores and then maybe even a little down time of our own. We may have really good intentions of spending time with God, but as it often goes, He usually gets pushed way to the back of a never-ceasing “to do” list. Before we know it, another week is in the books and outside of an hour or so at church, our walk with Him is all but nil. I often tell people that I may have gotten saved in 2001, but I fully surrendered to Jesus that morning in 2007. I was baptized a few months later and here I am today. Single parents, I know things may seem far from ideal right now, but look at the Cross. From the disciples’ point of view everything they had trusted and believed in, their whole world, had just died- literally. But the worst moment in history had to happen first so the greatest moment ever could take place.


Sometimes one thing has to die first so something greater can be born. If in fact you find yourself distant from a personal relationship with Jesus, today may be the day to begin that journey and lay it all down at His feet; because in God’s economy, surrender equals victory.


And they said to one another, “Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road, and while He opened the Scriptures to us?" Luke 24:32 (NKJV)


When was the last time your heart was on fire for Christ?




*Originally published at http://www.1corinthians13parenting.com/ on November 24, 2014

The Daddy Gap is now live!

Upon hearing the news that his father has gone to jail, a 6 year old boy poses the question of this generation: "Who's going to take my dad's place?" The Daddy Gap takes an uncensored look at the distress today's single mothers and fatherless children face; plus the Church's role in it all.

You can order your copy here.

AFW Christmas Special!!!

Jesus tells us in Matthew 7 that every good tree bears good fruit. Over the past several years, A Father's Walk has been on the front lines when it comes to keeping single fathers involved in the lives of their children and to help turn generational curses into generational blessings.
We have been very influential in bringing 3 annual events to the West Michigan area: the Grand Rapids Single Parenting Expo, Father's Day at the Horse Ranch, and the Focus on Fathers conference. We have also published 2 books on single fatherhood and fatherless children (A Father's Walk: A Christian-Based Resource for Single Fathers and The Daddy Gap) and continue to lead the charge in helping churches across the nation to catch this vision.
Still, the harvest field is in greater need than ever and we have plenty of work to keep doing. Your (tax deductible) contribution of any size will allow us to continue our mission of "Helping a generation of children grow up WITH their fathers by serving and equipping all single dads in Jesus Christ." AND, from now through Christmas, every donation of $30 or more will receive a FREE copy of the AFW book- a great gift for any single father you may know!
You may donate directly online on our website: www.afatherswalk.org or mail a check to us at:
P.O. Box 9523
Wyoming, MI 49509
You gift today can and will make an impact for generations to come!

The Song

I had the opportunity to go see The Song the other day; and I can tell you that the movie definitely lived up to its hype! Based on the life of King Solomon, the film is a modern-day tale of a small town singer, his family, and his rise to fame─ and all the dangers that come along with money and power. The movie is intricately woven through Jeb King, the main character (and son of David King), and his narration which includes numerous passages of Scripture from both Ecclesiastes and the Song of Solomon.

Some will call this movie a great “date night” idea; some will say it is an excellent presentation of God’s Word through the silver screen. My answer to both is “yes”. For those of us who have a solid Biblical base, we are able to see how Jeb (Solomon) fell into the pits of temptation and how he realized it is all meaningless and fleeting when it comes to real love and what life is truly all about. It is a story of the forgiveness and redemption that we can bestow upon each other─ and ultimately of how God redeems us completely through His Son.

From a fathering perspective, I observed The Song as a great example of how so many men, husbands, and fathers have had their hearts led astray by fleshy lusts and empty desires from those who matter the most to them. James tells us, “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust is conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished (full grown), it brings forth death. –James 1:14-15 (NASB, emphasis added)

 In the opening chapter of our upcoming book The Daddy Gap, my coauthor Dawn Walker states, There are things that God intended a father to provide that a mother at her best simply cannot. She was not designed to. God distinctly designed a man to be the leader of his home, the protector and provider for his family. At his best, he is the one who speaks love and truth into his sons and daughters, who instills security, worth and identity and whose example gives them a model of a Father in heaven who is trustworthy, faithful and strong. Unfortunately, we have an enemy who knows that if he can take out the leader, he can weaken, cripple and scatter those in his wake. The Bible says he prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). Sadly, he often succeeds, and when he does there are casualties. Today, record numbers of fathers have fallen prey to drug and alcohol addiction, violence, pornography, adultery, and other seemingly harmless lures that end in death; the death of a marriage, a family, and sometimes even the man himself. When this happens, instead of the example above, the father’s legacy can be devastating to generations of sons and daughters who feel abandoned, unprotected, unworthy. The saddest part of all is that they also get presented with a distorted picture of a God who is weak, unloving and not to be trusted.

I once heard former Korn guitarist Brian Welsh talk about the band’s literal and spiritual demise, the same time they were climbing the Billboard charts: “We were losing everything while we were gaining the world.” Every single one of the band member’s marriages ended in divorce, and addictions of all sorts consumed their lives and souls during this time period. It is only by God’s grace and mercy that Brian was able to find his way out of that lifestyle and into his own salvation through Jesus.

Men, where are you at with all of this today? Are you setting safety barriers in place so that the same fate that befell King David’s son does not fall upon your household? Do you have a heart that is completely and totally sold out for Christ no matter what, or are there other idols that are creeping in and beginning to suck His love out of you? Let me assure you that NONE of us are immune or exempt from the work of the devil when it comes to leading and guiding our families. It is only through our continued trust and dependence on Christ that we are able to withstand and ward off the spiritual assault of this world; and to raise a new generation of believers for God’s Kingdom─ beginning with our own children.

But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. –Eph 2:4-7 (NKJV)

Random Thoughts for Today

My mind has been going all week with everything I currently have on my plate: some things require my immediate attention, others are months down the road; but yet, I am still on the inside. God has really been talking to me this week, revealing Himself through others, His Word and a book I am reading. I have been getting some good one on one time with my daughter lately, but sometimes I feel as if we aren’t “clicking” like we used to. She’s growing up fast and I know that. Days and times I could usually bank on for spending time with her are slowly being replaced with sports, dance, and friends. I’m not alarmed though, because we have an amazing relationship and I know all is not lost.

This morning was bittersweet. I attended one of here cheerleading games and my heart was pounding with Daddy pride as I watched her cheer away; but also filled with heartache as her mom, stepdad, and the rest of their family sat on the other side of the bleachers. My daughter definitely paid more attention to them being there, but did come over to my side of the railing a couple times to talk with me and steal my water bottle. Even though we did not converse much, I knew my being there mattered. I kept playing in my head the fact that one day she may sit back as an adult and realize, You know, my dad was always at my games. In fact, he was always at almost everything I participated in. She may realize this when I’m still alive and thank me for it; she may realize it after I’m long gone; or it may never occur to her at all. Doesn’t matter, because I am doing what I am supposed to do: being a dad.

As grateful as I am to God for all He has blessed me with, my heart still breaks for the dads out there who don’t get to experience these sorts of days as often as they should. Even more so, the Lord has put a flame in my heart that keeps growing for fatherless youth - and I keep pondering, What am I going to do about it? I also fast forward to the possibility that I may one day be able to have a full family of my own. My daughter will always be my firstborn, but I have completely entrusted her to God and realize that I am not the one who is ultimately in control of her life- He is. If in fact I DO get married and have more children, then I am in a covenant with God to love, lead, and steward them all to the best of my ability.

So yeah, I do have a lot going on─ and it shows no intent of slowing down. But I (we) MUST slow down; because if we allow the hype or drama of life to control our course, then we may fall off the path that has been so graciously laid out for us.

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. –Proverbs 16:9 (NKJV)

Standing in the Gap: The Value of Mentoring

In his book Good to Great in God’s Eyes, author and pastor Chip Ingram states one of my all-time favorite quotes: “A master’s ceiling can become his disciple’s floor if the disciple knows how to absorb the lessons of the master’s life.” In my own experience, I have witnessed countless times the importance, significance, and eternal impact that mentoring creates. I truly believe every one of us should have a mentor and/or an accountability partner because God blesses us with other godly individuals in our walks with Him to help keep us on the straight and narrow.

 

However, there are literally MILLIONS of children going to bed tonight (many right in our own neighborhoods) who do not have that affirmation and protection they so desperately need to make it in today’s society.

 

I’m just going to lay it out to all of us Christian parents: I believe it is our responsibility to seek out and build up today’s youth who may not have strong parental figures of their own.
Obviously mentoring begins at home with our own kids, but I can almost assure you there is a child in need of a little (or a lot!) of guidance within your sphere of influence. Please understand I am not challenging everyone reading this to jump into a full-time mentoring role, but even small amounts of encouragement and generosity can go a long way in a child’s life.

If, in fact, you do find yourself being led to mentor a youth, here are a few quick points to get you going:

1. Be Consistent
Almost without a doubt, a troubled youth has had more than one parent, parental figure, or friend bail in the child’s life. If you do decide to become a mentor, establishing a set day, time, and duration will bring a welcome change of consistency in his or her life.

2. Be Authentic
Despite what the child’s outside life may look like to us, there may be underlying issues such as being lied to, abused (in any form), or manipulated. We are ALL damaged individuals, the difference being as Christian adults we are now capable of trusting and turning it over to Christ. This may or may not be an option for your mentee, so keep that in mind.

3. Be Faithful
There is so much to be said for Christians who actually live their faith out transparently on a daily basis. Stay true to that while mentoring too. Show the love of Jesus through your words or actions and allow the Holy Spirit to direct the relationship. When we do, lives are impacted and generations are changed for God’s glory.

And the King will answer and say to them,
“Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren,
you did it to Me.”
Matt 25:40 (NKJV)

 

Moms and dads, who is the Lord leading you today to begin investing in as a mentor?

 

 

*Origianlly posted at www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com on August 22, 2014

Parents: 4 Reasons Why You Need Them

Our final guest blogger of the month is a good friend of mine, Rod Arters. Rod is an extremely passionate and talented writer and contributes to such sites as Crosswalk.com. To follow Rod's blog, please visit http://rodarters.wordpress.com/.

During my teenage years, the musical genre "hip hop" was born. During my senior year in high school, one of the leading hip hop artists was DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. (You know the "Fresh Prince" today as Will Smith, famous Hollywood actor.) The group had just produced a hit song titled, "Parents just don't understand." I certainly felt that way and listened to that song repeatedly. Though my parents seemed to have occasional bouts of sanity, most times I thought they were from another planet. They obviously had never been teenagers themselves. Now, with some age and maturity under my belt, I realize that they too have gotten a lot smarter as they grew up.

And though God is the Source of wisdom and we certainly should ask Him for it, there is another person close to you that possesses a great deal of wisdom; your parent. When Solomon was imploring his children to seek his wisdom, he did not implore them to do so because he was crowned the Bible's wisest man. No, in fact, he begs his children to listen to him simply because he is “Dad.” Below are 4 reasons why your parents are a great source of wisdom for you to learn from.

1) They are wiser than you. Though they may not possess the wisdom of Solomon, they certainly are wiser than you. Glean from their wisdom. Learn all that you can while you can. It would be a shame to have been given such close proximity for so long to not take full advantage of all they could teach you. How many of us only appreciate what we have been given after it is gone? Having lost my biological father when I was five years old, I certainly wish I had access to his wisdom today.

2) They are older than you. Simply having lived 20 to 30 years before you came along means they have 2 or 3 decades of experience with this thing called “Life.” Do anything for 20 or 30 years and you will begin to acquire wisdom on that very subject. Do not forget the number of years that separates you from your mother and father. Though you may “feel” you know a lot, you actually know quite little in comparison to them. You may know more about your particular job, but they have a PHD in LIFE and the only way you acquire that prestigious degree is by blowing out birthday candles. Lots of them.

3) They have made more mistakes than you. Rita Mae Brown once said, "Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment." Sinful choices often breed wisdom. The more mistakes they have made, the more wisdom (oftentimes) they have acquired. Since your parents have a 20 or 30 year head start on you in regards to mistakes, they also have the same lead in regards to wisdom. All parents have made choices that they wish they never made. And since those choices are often lined with deep regret, nothing would please your parents more than to see their own children avoid the same traps. Learn from their mistakes so you do not have to make them yourself.

4) They are invested. No one has invested more in you (or loves you more) than your parents. Consider the investment they have made in you so far. Who sustained you when you could not sustain yourself? Who taught you how to walk and talk? Who has assisted you with homework night after night so that you might get the grade that will get the diploma that will get the job that will allow you to make the income to become a contributing member of society? Ask the experts and you will find that it costs over $200,000 to raise a child from birth to 18 years of age. Consider that investment. The next time you ask your parents for $20 and they say, “No,” remember they have already given you much more than that. Parents invest and then re-invest over and over again. Oftentimes, parents do not see their ROI (return on investment) for years. In spite of it, they continue to try and give and teach and plead so that their precious investment might acquire something that took them far too long to achieve... wisdom.

You can hear this pleading in Solomon's tone as he writes to his children:

§  Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck. (Proverbs 1:8-9)

§  My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity. (Proverbs 3:1-2)

§  My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck.
Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. (Proverbs 3:21-24)

§  Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.
I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching. For I too was a son to my father, still tender, and cherished by my mother. Then he taught me, and he said to me, “Take hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands, and you will live. Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Cherish her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. She will give you a garland to grace your head and present you with a glorious crown. (Proverbs 4:1-8)

Begin today to seek wisdom. Though everyone needs wisdom, youth need it more since their lack of experience deprives them of it. Wisdom is the one gift that God desires to give to all people (James 1) and He puts heavy doses of it in your closest ally; your parents.

“Keep your Father’s word and treasure Mom’s commandments within you. Keep their commandments and live… bind them on your fingers and write them on the tablet of your heart. Say to wisdom, ‘You are my sister’ and call understanding your intimate friend.” (Proverbs 7:1-4)

Accepting Trouble

Our third guest blogger this month is my good friend Dawn Walker, founder and director of Single Parent Missions and my coauthor for our upcoming book "The Daddy Gap". Dawn is one of the most passionate and Christ-centered people I know; and a force to be reckoned with when it comes to leading single parents in faith in Christ. For more information and to sign up for her daily "Hope Notes", please visit www.singleparentmissions.org.

“His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!” He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”
–Job 2:9-10 (NIV)

 
How good are you at accepting trouble? I don’t mean trouble like you can’t find your car keys, but the kind of trouble that makes even the people around you question how God could possibly love you if He would allow something so painful and unfair to happen.

As single parents, most of us know a bit about this kind of trouble. Even as I speak, it’s been 30 days since I’ve seen my 10-year-old son. The court granted his dad a 6-week visit for the first time this summer, and it was hard to let him go. Not because I’m codependent and can’t be apart from him, but because he would be five states away and I don’t have great confidence in his dad’s integrity. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I would get my son back.

But I knew I had to trust God and let him go.

About three weeks into his visit, I was in Texas for a business trip, just 30 minutes from where he lived, and politely asked if I could see my son for just an hour, just to say hello and give him a hug. There was no response. When I called for the one time a week I was supposed to be able to talk with my son, there was no answer. Four days later, I still had not heard from my son and had no way to get in touch with him.

There was a part of my heart that was screaming for justice and not wanting to accept this trouble. And yet, I sensed God was trying to teach me something in it…to let go and trust Him in all situations, especially those that are completely unfair and totally out of my control. Because if I truly believe that He loves me, that He is always good and everything that happens is for my good, then I should be able to accept everything, right? Even those things that feel utterly wrong and bad.

As Julian of Norwich said in Revelations of Divine Love:

See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything. See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall, eternally. See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began, by the same power, wisdom and love with which I made it. How can anything be amiss?

Job had to learn this truth through some unbelievably painful and unfair trials. And I had to learn it too. Only with this perspective—only with the lens of God’s faithfulness through stories like Job’s—was I able to fight off the urge to curse God and retaliate by bombarding my ex with accusing messages and threats to get him to comply with our agreement. Trusting my Heavenly Father’s grace, I did nothing, sent not one message, but waited on God…for days. Interestingly, as I was in the middle of writing this, my phone rang and it was my son. Hearing his sweet voice and knowing he was okay was such a relief. And seeing him get off the plane just a few days ago and give me a huge hug was such a gift to my heart.

But I think the best gift was the reminder that God is always in control. When I trust Him in my trouble, and accept good and bad as something He is doing to accomplish His purposes, He will grow my faith and like Job, bring great rewards in the end.

Needless Machismo

Our next Guest Blogger for the month is Nate Stevens from Charlotte, NC. Nate grew up as a missionary kid and currently writes devotions and articles for several ministries. He has enjoyed a 30 year career as a banker and a wonderful man of God. Nate is the father to two awesome kids and the author of the book Matched for Marriage- Meant for Life. (This blog is an excerpt from the book) For more information on Nate and his availability, please visit www.natestevens.net.

Today's men seem lost between the world's stereotypes and what Scripture reveals as godly characteristics.

Our present day culture says, "Suck it up, play through the pain, never let me see you cry, hide your true feelings, emotions are for wimps, vulnerability will only hurt you, and good guys finish last." Even the current clothing fashions attempt to emasculate men by promoting more effeminate, soft, and weak styles. Yet Scripture provides a much different, counter-cultural, and more courageous perspective for men to follow.

Two primary Scriptural examples come to mind: the behaviors and characteristics Jesus demonstrated and the instructions given to men as husbands.

In looking at the life of Jesus, we find a perfect example of masculinity. Being an emotionally whole and healthy man, He exhibited a wide range of emotions. He cried, was impatient, and got angry. He was bold, yet compassionate, humble, and forgiving. He bonded with a group of men, yet still took time to be alone – usually with God in prayer.

Jesus met people at their individual points of need and was comfortable interacting with people from all stages and statures of life. He had an unusual magnetism that prompted children to want to be around Him. He said what He meant and meant what He said. He loved fully, exuded confidence in the face of adversity, and remained calm when all others were going crazy. He challenged leaders when they were wrong, even though it placed Him in danger. He knew who He was and fulfilled His purpose with determination. He was a leader who stood for what was right without compromising His moral standards – disregarding public appeal and personal gain.

In essence, Jesus was all man.

Shifting our attention to the instruction given to men as husbands, one verse in particular stands out as encouragement against today’s societal trends. Colossians 3:19 says a husband is to love his wife and “not be harsh”with her (NIV). Dictionaries define the word harsh as to be cruel, offensive to the mind or feelings, or oppressive. The King James Version of the Bible translates the word harsh as bitter. The overall meaning is that a husband must not be insensitive, inconsiderate, or unkind to his wife.

A man’s harsh language or disrespectful behavior toward his wife is unacceptable. This includes playing cruel mind games, showing disrespect, being mean and insensitive, giving her the silent treatment, and all forms of domestic violence and abuse.

Words, actions, or attitudes that demonstrate bitterness include resentment, cynicism, anger, meanness, being unpleasant, and name-calling.

Most of the words that describe bitterness mirror the world’s mindset of a “macho man.” Someone who acts rough and tough, is untouchable, insensitive, emotionally detached, and invulnerable. However, the scriptural view of how a man shares compassionate and unselfish love with his wife paints a much different picture than what the world portrays.

An antonym for bitterness is sweetness. Sweetness can be described by such words as lovable, charming, appealing, adorable, thoughtful, considerate, pleasant, gentle, softhearted, agreeable, and harmonious.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating that men become cry-babies who sit around talking about their feelings and singing Kum-Bah-Yah. There is a big difference between a wimpy pushover and a courageous, affectionate, emotionally healthy man. Insecure cowards hide behind mean, disrespectful, and superficial behavior. But it takes a real man, mature in spirit, mind, soul, and body, to be the godly man portrayed in Scripture.

So men, as the saying goes, “Man up!” Drop the tough-guy act and prepare yourself to courageously live a life of compassion, gentleness, and loving affection. Develop and exhibit respectful, sensitive, and honorable behavior in all your interactions. If Jesus demonstrated the emotion, it’s okay for you to do the same.

The world is desperately looking for healthy, vibrant, godly men of integrity. Will you be one?

We Have No Idea Who is Watching or Listening to Us

August is Guest Blogger Month at AFW! Our leadoff hitter this year is a true friend, mentor, and blessing in my life: Kris Swiatocho from The Singles Network ministries. Kris is a passionate author, speaker, and motivator for singles and singles ministries around the world. For more information, please visit her website at www.thesinglesnetwork.org. I pray you are as blessed by her words and heart as I am. -Matt

I recently wrote an article for Crosswalk called Jesus, Single Like Me:Friendships That Don't Lead to Marriage. Like most of the articles I write, I get email from those who have read it. Most of the emails are supporting what I have to say, thanking me or praying for my ministry, etc. But last week I had something different sent to me. A young man, 19 or so years old had read my article and proceeded to share with me some of his struggles. He had just recently started going to college. He asked me, how in the world could he be friends with women when there are so many around him. He also shared how he had started to date one of them and she did not believe in God. He was struggling with dating her knowing this. He had basically built the relationship on the physical first before any type of foundation of friendship. A focus on seeking Christ first had been thrown out of the picture until now, until his email.

I first thanked him for his honesty and transparency. It took a lot of courage to stop the relationship he was in. The Holy Spirit had been convicting him that things were not right. However, he wasn't sure what the next step was. He also wasn't sure how in the world do you build friendships with women and not have it go the wrong way. Well between my article and my comments back to him, as with all things, its starts with prayer, seeking Christ first with what He wants, practicing boundaries, protecting the other person/guarding their heart, and living the example because they are watching us, they are listening.

You see, when you are a believer and people know it, they are watching everything we say and do. They are watching to see if we fall. They are watching to see how we handle stress, our money, our attitude, our time, etc. So whether it’s in our friendship and ultimately who we date, to those we work with, to those who live next doors to even other believers, what we do or say could have an eternal effect on others.

Would you do me a favor and pray for this young man. God knows his name. He needs us to intercede for him to make the right choices, to deal with all those temptations that are around him, to keep Christ first and to find a group of other guys to hold him accountable.

This life can be so hard. I remember my college days (well most of them) and I can't image that it’s only gotten worse. The devil is on our campuses waiting to pounce. Join me in prayer for our young folks.

3 Recommendations From One Single Dad to Another

Single dads, please allow me to speak with you man to man here for a few minutes.

I recently had the honor of participating as a breakout speaker at the 10^th annual “Survive N Thrive” single moms conference in Oklahoma City. I have to say, this gave me a whole new perspective on what these ladies go through on a daily basis.

Here is a quick synopsis of what God revealed to me while I was down there:

In my line of ministry, I generally work with fathers who are the noncustodial parent. I see on a somewhat regular basis when dads are restricted from seeing their kids or the children are being manipulated against them by a mom’s spiteful tactics. I watch as parents gash at each other like wild dogs─ each one going for the other’s throat.

But then I found myself surrounded by hundreds of single moms in OKC, some of whose lives have been shattered by a father’s selfishness or abandonment. As I listened to the opening keynote session, God made it very clear to me:

Moms are not the enemy.

Dads are not the enemy.

The enemy is the enemy. ( And..he will do anything he can to steal, kill, and destroy in our lives.)

My breakout session was even more confirmation, as I witnessed several moms attending tear up while I spoke. I felt my heart breaking for them and wished I could offer an immediate solution, but was able to pray for them before we parted.

With that being said, I am going to give you a few take aways if in fact you find yourself not on the best of terms with your children’s mother:

1. Keep your side of the street clean.
Despite what may be happening in the other house, as your children’s father you are called to lead them and set the tone for their future. Stay consistent in your own walk with Christ first and foremost so that you can lead accordingly.

2. Do a heart check of your own.
King David is a perfect example of someone who constantly threw himself at God’s feet, pleading with the Lord to keep his heart pure. Put your own life up against the Word and begin immediately to make any changes in areas where things don’t match up.

3. Pray for your children’s mom─ daily.
There is no better way to model Christ to your kids and to begin the healing process than following His lead. Remain faithful in this and allow Him to take control. It may not bring instant clarity, but this is a great place to start!

Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties;
and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24

 

Single dads, are you doing your part when it comes to building your children’s mother up?

Origianlly published on July 23, 2014 at www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com

Only God Can Judge Me

For He is coming, for He is coming to judge the earth. He shall judge with righteousness, and the peoples with His truth. –Psalm 96:13

“Only God can judge me”. That is what the tattoo said across the chest of a guy who I recently observed was slandering and bashing Christians on a Facebook post. Being the curious fellow that I am, I jumped over to his Facebook wall and as expected, saw tons of worldly pictures, language, and such…none of which were God-honoring in the least. Now, I am not judging this guy by any means, I’m just using him as an example.

I brought this up in conversation with my accountability partner this morning. Our conclusion was that the phrase about God judging someone really has nothing to do with God at all. It’s basically just passing the buck as an excuse to do whatever you want. Anyone who TRULY believes that God is the ultimate Judge should in fact take their actions and lifestyle very seriously. Jesus tells us in Luke 12:4-5, “And I say to you, My friends do not be afraid of those who kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear Him who, after He has killed, has the power to cast into hell, yes, I say to you, fear Him!” So is that to say that we need to walk on eggshells, constantly afraid as to whether we will be struck down by the Lord’s wrath? No, we as believers do understand that we are under the gift of grace─ but that comes with great responsibility too. Fearing God is a healthy respect for who He really is─ the One who spoke creation into existence and gave you and I life in the first place. He is the only one who deserves all of the glory and praise (Psalm 96:4).

The cross and grace should never be used by Christians as a crutch or excuse. It should never be used as a weapon or in a condemning manner towards unbelievers either. Is it true that only God can judge us? Absolutely. Every single one of us one day will stand before Christ and give an account for our lives (2Cor 5:10); but this should be even more motivation for us to seek Him now while He may be found and share it with the spiritually lost. Today, instead of engaging in long and drawn-out online disputes that rarely ever have a positive outcome, stay grounded in the Word, live it out in your own life, and take hold of the witnessing opportunities when they arise. When we do, we will have reason to celebrate rather fear when we stand before our eternal Judge…and Father, with a clean slate.

Jesus said to him, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father but through Me. –John 14:6

Separating the Wheat From the Tares

Read Matthew 13:24-30, 36-43

We recently had a scandal breakout here in West Michigan regarding one of our most popular Christian radio hosts who was convicted on CSC charges with a minor. I am not going to dwell on the specifics; it’s gotten enough media attention already. Instead, I am going to use this small amount of space to address some key points in this case, as well as all of the “Christian bashing” that has accompanied this tragedy.

 

No One is Immune

The Bible tells us that we all fall of God’s standards (Rom 3:10, 23). Whether or not someone proclaims to be a “Christian” or works in a Christian atmosphere does not automatically exempt them from the enemy’s plan. In fact, anyone who is a true believer is actually considered to be more accountable than those who are not (Phil 3:16, James 3:1). It’s one thing to occasionally fall into random sin; it’s another to be consumed in a lifestyle that denies God and His holiness. The former is natural for all of us; the latter is when we let go of God’s hand and authority in our own life.

Life or Death

Paul tells us in Romans 6:23, “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord”. This man made choices and played a deadly game that ultimately led to not only his demise, but the destruction of countless other lives─ including his victim’s childhood innocence. Let’s be straight up on this one: Evil comes in all forms─ sometimes it's directly head on, but usually in subtle disguise. It is not the result of random chance, but is precisely and specifically orchestrated by a much darker force (Eph 6:12, John 10:10a). As James points out, our fleshy desires will lead us down a path that ultimately will destroy us, either physically, spiritually, or both (James 1:14-15). The only way to avoid the destruction of sin is to be FULLY and CONTINUALLY embedded in God’s will and to live a life that fears Him, is built on His Word, and grounded in faith in Christ.

 

One Day It Will All Be Sorted Out

The comments and shear hatred that follow every time this story has been posted online are absolutely disgusting. I am by no mean’s justifying this man’s actions, but I am seeing a virtual war of slashing and bashing being traded back and forth between believers and non-believers like a Wimbledon match. Jesus makes it very clear in the passage from Matthew 13: the good have been sown into this world with the bad, and often they are indistinguishable from each other right now. Someone who appears to live a godly life and put on the greatest of fronts may fool us down here, but one day God will reap through our world in His final and sovereign judgment and only those who are truly His will escape eternal punishment. There will be no exceptions.

 

Our One True Hope

The non-believers in this case cannot understand how a good God would allow an innocent child to be taken advantage of by an adult; and why forgiveness is still an option. I even saw one commenter who could not understand how his sin of cussing regularly could even be compared to something as offensive as this case. Or, how can someone who lives a sinful life but (truly) repents at the end of life make it to Heaven but a “good” overall and unrepentant person not? Genesis 18:25 asks, “Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?” The Bible also tells us that God has done all He needs to for our eternity with Him to be secured (Rom 5:8). Big or little, our sin is repulsive to God. Our finite minds also cannot grasp the magnitude of His ways (Isaiah 55:9); and what we must understand is that absolutely NOTHING that hasn’t been cleansed by the blood of Christ will enter His Kingdom. So instead of keeping score and trying to make up our own “judgment scale” along the way, perhaps we should turn our hearts and eyes to the only One qualified to not only judge us correctly, but more importantly…love us unconditionally.

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. -2Cor 5:10

Celebrating Father's Day as a Single Dad

Okay, so I know the title may sound a little contradictory…why would we actually celebrate anything as a single parent?! I agree, because I know single parenting brings in brokenness of some form. There may have been the brokenness of a marriage or a relationship, the loss of a loved one, or in my case─ brokenness from having a child out of wedlock. (Any time we are outside of God’s statutes we are broken…FYI).

But, as followers of Jesus, we have both the ability and the responsibility to lay our hurts and faults at His feet so that He can begin the restoration process.

My daughter’s mom and I were never married, so I cannot say that I completely understand the emotional destruction a divorce or death of a loved one can bring; but I am engaged with single dads of divorce every week. Yes, there is a time to mourn and grieve, but God never expects us to wallow in our pain for the rest of our life either. Jesus didn’t die to simply release us from sin’s grip; but to RECONCILE us back to our original relationship with our Father!
Look at it this way: If you are involved in some capacity in your children’s physical and spiritual upbringing, then you are WAY ahead of a good portion of today’s dads! According to an article on usatoday.com, dads (including married ones) spend an average of about 1 hour a day with their kids. One advantage to single parenting is we usually get more undivided time with our kids than married parents often do. AND, when Dad attends church with his kids, the probability of the kids growing up to be church attenders themselves jumps from 2% if Dad doesn’t attend at all to 50-75% when he does! So to say that your presence doesn’t matter is completely false─ because single dad or not, you DO matter in your son’s or daughter’s life! Perhaps you are new to this whole single parent thing and this is your first Father’s Day in your new role. Please know that even then you are by no means exempt from God’s calling to raise your children in Christ and prepare them for adulthood! (We may just have to work a little harder at it, that’s all)

So go ahead and celebrate Father’s Day, Dad.

You deserve it. Just be sure to celebrate your Heavenly Father first…and then thank Him for the amazing gift of fatherhood!

As a single father, how will you celebrate God’s goodness in your life this Father’s Day?

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me;
and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God,
who loved me and gave Himself up for me.
Galatians 2:20 (NASB)

Originally published at www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com on June 9, 2014

"The Daddy Gap" podcast

Here is the podcast I just recorded with my coauthor Dawn Walker of Single Parent Missions for our soon to be released book "The Daddy Gap". Look for it this summer!

http://www.woodradio.com/media/podcast-a-fathers-walk-single-dads-podcast-AFathersWalkPodcast/a-fathers-walk-6214-24847043/

What I Have Learned from My Internship at a Father’s Walk

(From Matt): Today's blog post comes from a recent intern here at AFW named Connor Sterchi. Here are his words of what he learned from his internship. I pray you are as blessed by his words as I am by his work and friendship...

            From February to May 2014 I interned at A Father’s Walk (AFW).  It has been a rewarding and fruitful experience and I am confident that much of what I have learned will remain with me throughout my spiritual, familial, and vocational life.
 

            Before I worked as an intern at AFW, I knew that it was important for a father to be involved in the lives of his kids.  I knew this partly from biblical precedent (e.g. Deut. 4:9; 6:7; Prov. 22:6; Eph. 6:4) and partly from personal experience (e.g. the meaningful and lasting impact of my own dad’s involvement in my life).  I was blessed to have been raised by a loving mom and dad, both of whom were consistently involved in my life.  Before interning at AFW, I understood the importance of fatherhood involvement when it comes to the healthy development and growth of children.

            What I didn’t know, however, was that a father’s involvement in the life of his kids is not just supplemental—it’s fundamental.  I didn’t know that the positive advantages of fatherhood involvement (e.g. increase in children’s educational performance) are as potent as the negative consequences of fatherhood absence (e.g. children from fatherless homes are 20 times more likely to end up in prison, 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders, 32 times more likely to run away, 9 times more likely to drop out of high school). When I presented these statistics for my internship class presentation at Calvin College, my classmates were visibly flabbergasted by these figures.

            At the moment I’m still single.  I’m not a father—not even close to being one.  But I have garnered several lessons from my time at AFW that will invariably carry over to the future if, God willing, I become a father one day.  I want to be a Christ-like example for my kids in every aspect of life.  That would include fathering in a way that is heartfelt and even-tempered, reading the Bible and praying with them daily, going to church with them consistently.  From my time at AFW, I have learned that those last three items cannot be underestimated.  We are living in a day and age in which children are exposed to manifold messages and philosophies—from school, from friends, from teachers, from commercials, from television shows.    But the good from these external sources is often eclipsed by the godlessness, materialism, exploitation, objectification, and idolatry that are inherent in many of the modern-day messages that kids are exposed to incessantly.  Thus, fathers—whether married, remarried, divorced, or single—should be aware of the pivotal role that they have in the lives of their kids as critical influencers—for better or for worse.

            I will always remember something that Matt Haviland said to me during one of our meetings: If fathers don’t influence their children, someone or something else will.  That’s a true and proven axiom.  Yet how readily is that God-given and sacred responsibility of fathers avoided, deferred, neglected, or set aside. Recently while listening to Moody Radio, I heard a pastor talking about the significance of parents when it comes to the spiritual lives of their children.  He said that children are like concrete.  When concrete is first poured, it is still soft and watery, still pliable.  But soon after it is poured, it hardens and permanently solidifies… So I want to be a dad that invests time and energy into the lives of my kids—a dad that speaks genuinely and frequently about “the praises of the LORD, and His strength and His wondrous works that He has done” (Psa. 78:4 NASB).

            Though as a single man without kids, I can only speak hopefully and expectantly about fatherhood.  I can learn and garner much from fathers—whether married or single—that have experienced the struggles, triumphs, successes, failures, and lessons that inevitably come with the territory of being a father.  So while I would love to have a family and kids one day, my hope and prayer is that I would submit to God’s sovereign and secret will, whatever it might be and wherever it might lead.  And I know that whatever it takes to be a good father—love, peace, patience, steadfastness, faithfulness, resolution, fortitude, integrity, or endurance—cannot possibly come from my own strength or willpower.  It can only come from the triune God who is the giver and provider of “every good and perfect gift” (Jas. 1:7) and “the sustainer of my soul” (Psa. 54:4; cf. Jer. 31:25; Isa. 40:29; Gal. 5:22; 2 Tim. 1:7).

Battle of the Sexes

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. –John 13:34 (NKJV)

                Recently, I posted the following question on Facebook: What is one thing you wish the other parent would do or that you could work out with them? Not surprising, this opened a floodgate of responses and emotions. Below are the answers I received back…followed up by a passage of Scripture for you to look up (please take the time to do this!) if in fact there is a certain statement(s) you can relate to. Please also note, we cannot “fix” the other parent, but we CAN pray for them! Some of these scriptures may not apply directly to your situation, but rather to the sort of response YOU can have towards whatever you may be facing. Keep your side of the street clean; entrust the rest to God.

 

*I wish he would be part of my daughter’s life…she is 5½ and he has never seen her and has no interest (Psalm 57:7, 86:11-12)

*Respecting the child’s wish to see other parent instead of keeping them away (Romans 12:19)

*Discipline the children instead of playing friend role…no rules at his house…makes me the “mean” parent (Eph 6:4)

*Quit pretending that we are friends…you want to be friends? Fine, then there is a conversation that needs to take place between us first. (Proverbs 18:21, Luke 6:45)

*(From a widow): I wish we had been more purposeful about writing things ahead…setting up wills and affairs before a crisis (1Tim 4:3-4, James 1:27)

*Stick to a schedule and work on discipline techniques with me (Prov 13:24, 3:5-6, 33)

*Work on a set schedule and don’t waiver from it…sets the kids up for disappointment and makes them feel unimportant…all they want is for both parents to love them and make them feel secure (Psalm 37:1,8)

*Respect and comply with the judge’s orders… (Romans 13:1-2)

*Both parties always feel they are right and the other is wrong. They carry the “I’m the better parent card”…name calling, [which leads to] kids realizing who they would prosper most with and all but one reside with me now… (Prov 15:1, Philippians 2:3, Eph 4:26-27, 29)

*Honest, open communication…healthy, stable parental figure, kids first over extracurricular activities (Matt 22:38, John 15:13)

*I wish my ex-wife would do something, ANYTHING to show she cares for the kids. It breaks my heart to see the hurt and anger in my kids. (Psalm 34:18)

*Acting “as if I do not exist anymore”…one cannot co-parent like that. (Romans 12:17-18)

                One thing I have found out in single parent ministry: there are thousands of dynamics and possibilities when it comes to single parenting situations; so obviously this is a rather broad recap of some frequent issues we all may come across. Although I cannot provide a “one size fits all” magical solution to the examples above, I have also come to understand that I should not try. Jesus is the ONLY one qualified to handle such a task…and He already has. The writer of Hebrews tells us that we have a High Priest that has suffered in every way we ever could (and then some!) and has cleared a path back to our Father for reconciliation and restoration. As I have said before, don’t try to fight a spiritual battle in the flesh. Fight spiritual battles in the spirit, for that is where the battle (and victory) truly lays!

These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. –John 16:33 (NASB)

YouTube videos- 2

Here are 3 more new YouTube videos from AFW. Please check them out and pass them on!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8yCZT6_uOY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkvxXc-nnC8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSCnTV99uzA

Being the Best Single Father You Can Be

            Single parenting in any form is often quite challenging, if not extremely difficult. Rather than our allies, time and resources are usually against us; and there is always the potential emotional rollercoaster due to resistance from the other parent or family members. As single fathers, we must come to the realization that some circumstances are within our realm of influence, but many will be out of our hands. In times like these, we have the opportunity to rise to the occasion and keep our focus on our walk with the Lord and our children. To help you filter through the chaos that can quite often impair our better judgment, here are a few quick tips to help you be a great single father─ even in the most imperfect of circumstances.

1.      Stay grounded

Jesus gives us clear examples throughout the Gospels that storms WILL hit, but our foundation must be built on Him alone and through Him we can do anything. Despite everything that may be going on all around, make it a point to stay in the Word and prayer, and surround yourself with a strong and godly support system.

2.      Check your emotions at the altar

Anger, bitterness, worry and doubt will eat you alive if left unattended. Again, we are called to serve Christ first, and then our children. Even if you are struggling in some of the above examples, find a healthy outlet such as a pastor or mentor to vent to. Definitely stay strong for your children, all while learning what it means to “love thy neighbor”.

 

3.      Know your position

Paul gives us clear instruction in Ephesians 6:4: Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (NASB, emphasis added) Whether you are a full-time or every other weekend dad, God has given US the specific task as our kid’s spiritual leader. Pray with your kids, take them to church, and model Jesus in some way whenever possible. The rewards will be eternal.

 

4.      Render to Caesar…

Part of being a servant leader is following the laws of the land. Stay up to date on child support and/or alimony. You can always file an appeal later. And, render what is God’s too: so keep your heart right when it comes to tithing.

 

5.      You are Dad- for life!

I definitely know how bad it can sting being limited by another person or the courts. But our role as Dad doesn’t stop at 18. Our greatest job as fathers (married or single) is to lead our kids in Christ and prepare them for adulthood. So no matter where you find yourself in all of this today, hold fast to God’s Word and all of the promises He gives us and look past the now towards the glory to be revealed.

 

What steps can you apply today to be the very best single father you can be?

 

Note: Originally published at www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com on March 14, 2014