Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Loss of Identity

It’s so easy to put our self-worth in other things, even for Christians. We can become complacent over a longer period of time, especially if things are going well; or we never develop any sort of healthy self-perception to begin with. Either way, failure to put our identity in anything other than Jesus Christ can and eventually will fail. To the single father who may have recently lost his marriage and/or children, a lifestyle that seemed unbreakable, or even to the one who was never shown who he is as a man by his own dad, this can be a crucial time to regaining that foundation. We tend to believe the lies of others when we are down, and that is when our enemy can REALLY get a foothold!

They say it is too hard to build a house in a storm; that we need to do so before or after we get hit. If in fact you find yourself as a single father coping with loss of identity as a man, provider, father, or any other area, then now is the best time to begin the rebuilding process. Dive headfirst into prayer on a regular basis. Develop a personal relationship with God and learn who you are through His eyes, not other’s. Surround yourself with a strong support system and seek out Christian counseling if necessary.


Once you’ve been able to break through this stronghold, perseverance through the tough times becomes a main focus. Paul, Peter, and James all tell us in one form or another that it is through the trials that we develop godly character (Rom 5:3-5, James 1:2-4, 1Pet 4:12-13, 5:10). Keep building on your relationship with the Lord and whenever possible, stay in open communication with your children. It only takes a few loving words from our sons or daughters on what we mean to them as dads to really pump life back into us! Above all, know that you are an invaluable part of their life, whether or not they live with you full time. Keep your eyes upward and take your position in Christ the way that He sees you: as His creation, worthy to die for, and strong enough to care for His children.

 

For you have been born again not of a seed that is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring word of God. -1Pet 1:23 (NASB)

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: "Anger"

Over the next several months we will explore a variety of “traps” single fathers (and single mothers) can fall into if they are not on alert. We will discuss why these things happen, how to overcome them, and hopefully- STAY out of them!


If left unaddressed, anger, bitterness, or unforgiveness can consume us- eventually seeping over into multiple areas of our lives. Single parenting brings in brokenness, and often we reap the consequences of someone else’s actions. We are left hurt, scarred, or maybe even hopelessly damaged. Anger is a God-given emotion, but only when used in the proper context. Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be angry and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity” (NASB). Just like chipping away at ice on a lake, the longer we leave it attended, our heart can become hardened more and more- eventually to the point where it seems impenetrable.


The ability to overcome anger, hurt, or bitterness begins with our personal relationship with Christ. Depending on where you are at with this, God reveals that it isn’t as much about us forgiving someone else (though that’s the goal), but rather, about us receiving His forgiveness first. Only when we can come to a point of realizing the magnitude of what Jesus did on the cross for us to save us from eternal condemnation can we really get to the point where forgiving others becomes unconditional. I challenge you to seek the Lord out through prayer and the Word; asking Him to bring to the surface the emotions that are holding you back and the strength to lay it down once and for all.


Even if we are able to overcome a wrong(s) that has been done against us, whether by someone else’s doing or our own, chances are something else will come up again in the future. The key is strengthening ourselves for when the tough moments do come. Think of it like this: in the gym “resistance equals growth”. If we want to make gains towards getting in shape then we must apply the proper weight (resistance) to our efforts. Eventually, we become more conditioned to handle the challenge. Same is true here: difficult times and people will cross our paths, but when we have a solid relationship with God through prayer and Scripture, we are able to push through what was once too difficult.


Overcoming anger or bitterness is not an easy task; but when we are able to fully surrender this area of our lives to the Lord on a regular basis, we avoid a dangerous trap- and experience tremendous freedom in return.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. –James 1:2-4 (NASB)

Helping the Single Fathers in Your Life

Helping a single parent is a whole new level of reaching someone. It can be discouraging, messy, and rarely consistent. And unless you have ever been a single parent yourself, it can be quite intimidating to lend a helping hand to- let alone even knowing where to start. For anyone who may have a son, brother, or friend who is a single dad, here are five very quick tips that you can use to help them along the way.

Keep them covered

 

I know this may seem like an obvious one, but never underestimate the power of prayer. You may not completely understand everything they are going through, and that’s fine. Pray specific and transparent prayers, not manipulative or selfish ones. Be sure to love on the involved children unconditionally through it all and even pray with them whenever possible. Prayer can move mountains and when we pray within God’s will, we know we have the petitions we ask of Him (1John 5:14-15).

 

Seek godly counsel

 

Believe me when I say that I am fully aware of just how little there is for single fathers out there when it comes to Christ-centered help. Start by contacting some of the local churches in your area- ones that may have a higher single parent population than others. Even if the church doesn’t have an actual “single parent” ministry, many of the pastors may have counseled single dads in the past or at least have a general understanding of what they face regularly. You may also search for additional resources on our website: www.afatherswalk.org.

 

Do NOT slam the mom!

 

This is our “Golden Rule” of the ministry. Yes, the entire situation may be a mess and perhaps she is being spiteful or manipulative. I am sure it can be quite painful to watch your son of friend go through it all. I am right there with you when it comes to experiencing how unjust some situations may be due to the other parent or the courts’ doing. Still, if we allow the sin of anger and bitterness to seep into our hearts, it will only overflow into other areas of our life, perhaps even around the children. Instead, ask the Lord to remove these negative emotions from you if need be (you may really have to do some hardcore praying here!), but a softened heart is the only way to honor God (Psalm 86:11, Heb 3:13).

 

Help them build a foundation

 

Statistics show that only 33% of single parents attend church on a regular basis. Single parenting equals brokenness no matter how you slice it, and we know the only path to complete healing and restoration is through Jesus Christ. You know the single dads in your life well. Bible thumping and condemning talk isn’t going work- I will tell you that right now. What they need is to see the true love of Christ. Remain focused on creating a safe zone where your son, grandson, or friend can feel completely accepted and loved; somewhere they can heal and their feet can be set upon Rock.

 

Preparing for the long haul

 

Whether or not things ever get better between Dad and Mom no one may know. A father can always keep in mind that he is Dad for life, regardless of the circumstances. Things began extremely rocky between me and my daughter’s mom. Ten years later, it’s bumpy at best. Children get a huge part of their personality and self-perception from their father and our enemy is a master at keeping us spinning around in circles instead of looking to God for help. Any single father that holds fast to his relationship with the Lord will not only be able to persevere through the storms along the way, but will one day see His glory revealed through it all (Romans 8:18).

 

Single parenting is a tough situation for everyone involved. Our responsibility as Christian individuals is to show the unconditional love of Christ to others. The Bible tells us to hate what is evil and to cling to what is good. Love never fails and perfect love casts out fear. Hold fast to all of God’s promises, because we know in Christ all of His promises are “yes” and “amen”.  

Praying Through the Tough Times, and Leaving a Legacy That Lasts

 





As parents, we live for those unexpected moments when our kids surprise us with words or acts of love. For us fathers, those words will always have the ability to melt our hearts- no matter how old they get or how tough we think we are. Such was the case of some time I recently spent with my daughter.

Backstory first: My daughter’s mother and I aren’t on the best of terms, we never have been. I will take some ownership here, but I can truly say for the past several years I’ve been trying to work on a civil co-parenting relationship with her. On top of that, circumstances at her house have clearly been affecting my daughter lately. (Anyone who has been in a similar situation can feel me on this one.) It’s tough: a constant war between the flesh, which wants to badmouth Mom and “let her have it”; or remaining in the Spirit, talking it through with my daughter, and praying for them both during my quiet time. I choose option “B”. I have now been addressing the entire situation in prayer over the past couple months. Which brings me to this past weekend…

I was tucking my daughter in and although we haven’t had many episodes lately, she began to cry and share with me some of her personal thoughts and feelings. It was nothing bad or dangerous, she was just opening her heart to me. As I listened I gently rubbed her back and when I had the chance to talk, I chose words to build her mother up, explain how I saw the situation, and offered her some options of how she could talk it over with Mommy. Then the words that leveled me: “You always make me feel better”. Wow! Did that ever light me up inside! Just hearing that as a father tells me I’m on the right track, but I see it as way bigger than that. For all of the times I’ve sought God out to give me direction and help me to pray for my daughter’s mother, this was a clear example of how He has moved in me and now my daughter is being blessed by it. If I had allowed my flesh to rise up I surely could have said some things that would have affected my daughter negatively; let alone hinder my ability to parent in a godly way. Instead, I set my personal feelings aside and remained obedient by regularly praying for someone I did not care to pray for. The result is a blessing that I am hoping will one day become a legacy for my family. Sure, things are far from OK; but I truly believe that moments like this will build a foundation and a confidence in my daughter to help her cope with any of life’s difficulties she encounters over the years to come.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, I encourage you to remember the example points below and get these (or similar) verses in your mind for when you need them most:

1.      It’s not about you. Focus on how you react to any adverse situation and where your heart is from the beginning. Who’s going to be in charge: you or Him?

He must increase, but I must decrease. –John 3:30

2.      Testing produces character. We simply cannot acquire on a whim the proven character or strength needed to push through some situations. It doesn’t take patience (short-term); it takes perseverance (long-suffering). See Romans 5:3-5, James 1:2-4, and 1Peter 5:10 for further understanding.

3.      Keep everything covered in prayer- regardless if you are seeing any changes or not. Often times God is using a trial as a test to prepare us for bigger and better things down the line. It is crucial not to sell yourself short in this area and to stay focused on what He may be teaching you.

 

But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you. –Matt 6:6

“The one concern of the devil is to keep Christians from praying. He fears nothing from prayerless studies, prayerless work, and prayerless religion. He laughs at our toil, mocks at our wisdom, but trembles when we pray.” –Samuel Chadwick

 

Try to keep in mind that it isn’t the other parent (or whomever) that our struggle is against; it’s the forces behind it all (Eph 6:12). Don’t try to fight a spiritual battle in the flesh- it won’t work. Do your battles behind closed doors and on your knees. Not only will you have a greater potential for victory, but what you learn and the character you develop along the way will help you leave a legacy that can last for generations.



The Daddy Gap Christmas Special!

The Daddy Gap takes an uncensored look at the distress so many fatherless families are in and addresses the question of this generation: “Who’s going to take my dad’s place?”  Full of rich insights and lavish grace, The Daddy Gap helps single parents see how God loves them and wants to heal and restore them. Most of all, it helps to clear a path to help all wounded sons and daughters discover the Father they’ve always wanted and who has always wanted them.

This is a perfect gift for any single parent, church leader, or anyone who desires to know God’s indescribable love for the fatherless. 

Our Christmas promo is $15 (plus tax/shipping).

To order, please call (616) 581-4409 or email afatherswalk@gmail.com

 

Strength in the Weakness

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” –Matt 11:28-30 (NASB)

Maybe it’s just me (probably not though), but there seems to be a lot of heaviness and people who are just “worn out” lately: from work, stress, the upcoming holidays, etc. Being a single parent is definitely no easy task, and our daily burdens may seem to be magnified compared to others. But I think it goes beyond that. Our enemy loves to get us to a place where we become so distracted and worn down that we run ourselves in circles…and eventually right into his traps. (I once heard a man describe “BUSY” as Being Under Satan’s Yoke”)

As we approach into the Christmas season, we can remember one thing for sure: Jesus IS Immanuel: “God with us”. Yes, it may feel like you are constantly pouring out: to others, to your kids, and even to God, but that doesn’t mean He is not with you. Take inventory today of where you may be drying up spiritually and allow Jesus to be the one to refill you. I recently attended a prayer and praise night at my church…and wow! Did I ever need that! I encourage you all today to plug into His rest- in whatever capacity- for there is nothing that can compare and nothing that will fill you like time with the One who knows you best.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA

Because He First Loved Us

As a dad, I’ve never known anything other than being a single father. My daughter’s mom and I were never married and once she got pregnant, things went south very quickly. Over nine years later not much has changed. Sure we have our seasons of peace, but they are few and far between.
 
When she and I first met, I was not the man I am today. I was fresh off a decade-long run of hardcore drug and alcohol addiction. Having been raised in a home without a full-time dad myself, I found myself scraping and searching for answers to this new role of “fatherhood” that I had just entered into. As if that was not enough, there were multiple battles: legally in a courtroom, and verbally everywhere else. I had lost all sense of identity of who God had created me to be.
Through a series of events that began years earlier, I surrendered my life to Jesus when my daughter was about 8 months old. I was baptized a few months later and began the single father ministry the following year. Life had made a tremendous U-turn for me! When my daughter was almost two years old God gave me the courage and humility to talk on the subject of forgiveness with my daughter’s mom. I told her I forgave her for all the wrongs she had committed against me and I asked for her forgiveness too. It was NOT well received!  


Which brings me to today. Having been a follower of Christ for almost 9 years now, I still see some of the consequences of my actions from years ago being played out, but I also have been given a foundation to stand on that cannot be shaken. 1Peter 4:8 tells us that “love covers a multitude of sins.” If you do a word study on the word “love” in that passage, you will find that it can refer to acts such as “good will”, “benevolence”, or “brotherly love”.  To show this sort of love to the other parent helps protect us from a “multitude of sins” in our own lives such as anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness.  


I don’t know where you are with this today, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, our job is not to “keep score” against the other parent (we surely don’t want God doing that with us!). Instead, we should allow Him to help us die to self so that we can pour it into others. They may not deserve it, but neither do we. Yet, the Bible tells us in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (NASB)  When we give Him total access to reign in our hearts and lives, the greater the fruit we will see revealed. I’m speaking from experience here and I know you can too. And believe me, even though many of the trials and frustrations may still linger, the overwhelming joy and peace that comes through our faith shatters these temporary struggles and allows us to be the parents and Christians we were always created to be.


We love, because He first loved us. -1John 4:19 (NASB)