I often
spend so much time in the world of single parent ministry that I forget there are
plenty of strong and thriving marriages out there. I also am so directly
engaged with single fathers on a daily basis that I tend to overlook those of
you who may have a son, brother, friend, or grandson who is a single dad. It is
for that very reason I am writing this blog. Many of you may perhaps know a
single father and aren’t exactly sure how to help him out. For me, having
outside eyes and ears, or “referrals” if you will, helps me and the ministry
reach single dads that I may not have ever had a chance to make contact with.
So in short, I will do my best to help you if you can do the same for me.
Single parent ministry is a whole
new level of reaching people. It can be discouraging, messy, and rarely
consistent. And unless you have ever been a single parent yourself, it can be
quite intimidating to lend a helping hand to- let alone even knowing where to
start. So to help guide you along, I am going to lay out five very quick tips that
you can use to help build a foundation for your single father son, grandson, or
whoever.
1. Keep them covered
I know this may seem like an obvious one, but never underestimate the
power of prayer; especially of a parent praying over their child. You may not
completely understand everything your son is going through, and that’s fine.
But pray specific and transparent prayers, not manipulative or selfish ones. Also
be sure to love on the involved children unconditionally through it all and
even pray with them whenever possible. Prayer can move mountains and when we
pray within God’s will, we know we have the petitions we ask of Him. (Matt
10:20, 1John 5:14-15)
2. Seek godly counsel
Believe me when I say that I am fully aware of just how little there is
for single fathers out there when it comes to Christ-centered help. Start by
contacting some of the local churches in your area- ones that may have a higher
single parent population than others. Even if the church doesn’t have an actual
“single parent” ministry, many of the pastors have perhaps counseled some
single dads in the past and at least have a general understanding of what they
face regularly. Of course, you may also feel free to contact me for additional
help at www.afatherswalk.org.
3. Do NOT slam the mom!
This is our “Golden Rule” of the ministry. Yes, the entire situation may
be a mess and perhaps she is being spiteful or manipulative. I am sure it can
be quite painful to watch your son of friend go through it all. I am right
there with you when it comes to experiencing how unjust some situations may be due
to the other parent or the courts doing. Still, as followers of Christ we are
called to hold to a higher standard and if we allow the sin of anger and
bitterness to seep into our hearts, it will only overflow into other areas of
our life- perhaps even around the children. Instead, ask the Lord to remove
these negative emotions from you if need be (you may really have to do some
hardcore praying here!), but a softened heart is the only way to honor God.
(Psalm 57:7).
4. Help them build a foundation
Statistics show that less than 12% of single parents attend church on a
regular basis. Even if they do, with the divorce rate skyrocketing the way it
is and out of wedlock births now the majority, I have seen plenty of Christian
men find themselves to be single fathers. Single parenting equals brokenness no
matter how you slice it, and we all know the only path to complete healing and
restoration is through Jesus Christ. You know your son better than anyone.
Bible thumping and condemning talk isn’t going work- I will tell you that right
now. What they need is to see the true love of Christ: I’m talking like the
love that was spilled out in a bloody mess down a tree and down the hill for us
sort of love. This may mean revisiting your own relationship with the Lord
first. The main focus here needs to be a safe zone where your son, grandson, or
friend can feel completely accepted and loved; somewhere where their feet can
be set upon rock.
5. Stay focused on the long haul
Whether or not things ever get better between the dad and the mom no one
knows. Dad’s focus needs to remain on the fact that he is Dad- for life. Things
began extremely rocky between me and my daughter’s mom. Almost eight years
later, it’s bumpy at best. Children get a huge part of their personality and self-perception
from their father; and our enemy is a master at keeping us spinning around in
circles instead of looking up to God for help. I once heard a great author say
(I’m paraphrasing) [that as much as we would like to keep our children our
little ones, our job as fathers is to prepare them for adulthood and then
release them.] Christ is the head, followed by Dad. Any single father that
holds fast to that will not only be able to persevere through the storms along
the way, but will one day see God’s glory revealed through it all. (Romans
8:18)
Once again, single
parenting is a tough, tough situation for everyone involved. Our job as godly
parents is to show the unconditional love of Christ to our own children, and to
do the same for the kids involved. The Bible tells us to hate what is evil and
to cling to what is good. Love never fails and perfect love casts out fear.
Hold fast to all of God’s promises, because we know in Christ all of His
promises are “yes” and “amen”.
