Dads of Daughters on Valentine's Day

My wife is the bomb!
    

I love reminding her she is the most important person in the world to me. Valentine's Day is one of the times I can show her all day long. But why is it my mind also drifts toward my three girls on V Day? 

My eldest daughter is grown and lives three states away from me. I have two more daughters still at home. Yet each Valentine's Day my heart is drawn to show them affection as well.
  
I think it's because of an unbreakable connection a girl and a daddy share. Even abusive dads who have done horrible things to their kids have this connection (however damaged) that girls can never sever as hard as they try.
    
That's why we dads—especially if divorce touched our family—must carefully steward that rope that is forever connected to our daughter's heart.
    
I often fail to do this well. Just being male brings misunderstandings between us. I bark orders that, to me, are just observations or requests. Like a coach that spurs on his team. I don’t expect anyone to take it personal.

"Let's go! Comb your hair, get your shoes on, you're gonna be late. Watch the clock. Why are you staring out the window? Get going!"

I'm just asking questions and making observations. I'm not angry, nor do I have anything against them.

What my girls often hear is a prison sergeant hissing out angry oppressive accusations.

(Heavy sigh). Girls are so sensitive.

So when Valentine's Day approaches, I want to show them how loved they are. I want to let them know how crazy I am about them. They are all intelligent, clever, and beautiful young ladies that have to ability to transform this world. I'm proud to be connected to them.

What better time to show this than V Day. Of course I never want to place my girls in a position of replacing the romantic relationship I can only find with a wife. Putting them in that role is unhealthy and a little weird. Yet I see a lot of single parents do this. That is dysfunctional and unfair to the child, but that's a topic for another day.

What I'm talking about is buying a cute stuffed bear or some candy hearts for your little girl. Or if she's older, a nice card. Until she's finally married off, she must know that YOU are her knight in shining armor. Your extravagant affection might just keep your young teen from looking elsewhere for love.

For the record, it's my belief that after your daughter is married, her husband should be the one filling those needs. It's time for Dad to step back and let Mr. Right do his job.

So what ways do you model how precious your daughter is? Comment below and share how you have trained your daughter what to expect from a man—how they should be honored and loved. 

 

Tez Brooks is the author of The Single Dad Detour and director of Every Single Dad ministry. For more information, please visit http://www.everysingledad.com.   

Steve Repak's 6 Week Money Challenge for Your Personal Finances

Did you know that financial matters are mentioned in the Bible more often than prayer, healing, or mercy? Fifteen percent of everything Jesus taught was on the topic of money and possessions—more than his teachings on heaven and hell combined.


Why would the Bible give so much attention to money when Matthew 6:33 assures us that we don’t need to focus on worldly matters such as our bank balance? It says that so long as we seek the kingdom of God, we have nothing to worry about. Yet the sad truth is that most people are only one paycheck away from a financial disaster, and too many of us are consumed by money worries. If you sometimes catch yourself spending more time stressing about money than growing your relationship with God, you are not alone. Though the Bible tells us to place our trust in our eternal security, all too often our attention is focused on concerns about our temporary security.

A little about me: After I graduated high school, I decided to join the Army. When I completed basic training, it was the first time I saw real money. I took home about $700 every two weeks. The ironic part is that while my clothes, housing, and food were paid for by the military, I would always find myself with no money in the bank. I thought that buying a bunch of stuff would make up for all the things I had to go without when I was a child. After about a year in the Army, I got my first credit card. I don’t think the ink was even dry on the back of the card when I already had it maxed out.

I was promoted to Private First Class. A higher rank meant a higher salary, and that higher salary afforded me the opportunity to get another credit card. Soon after, I had that credit card maxed out. You might be thinking to yourself that I would eventually catch on, but the cycle continued to repeat. I would get promoted, make more money, get another credit card, and max it out. As long as I could make the minimum payments, I thought I had a handle on my credit card debt. I told myself that the next time I got promoted I would have enough money to pay off my credit cards. I’m sorry to say that when I left the Army after twelve years, financially all I had to show for it was $32,000 of credit card debt.

Now comes the best part! God opened a door for me in finance. I hadn’t planned on a finance career, but one of the contacts I had made in the Army saw a talent in me that I hadn’t yet discovered. Through that contact, I became an investment representative for a national broker-dealer in El Paso, Texas. There I was, fresh out of the Army, $32,000 in credit card debt, with nothing in savings or put away for retirement, and my job was to help other people with their finances. Using Biblical principles I was able to completely eradicate all of the debt. Later on, I authored a book to help others overcome financial debt:

 

Week 1 is one of the most important parts of the book because it lays the biblical foundations of personal finance. You will learn what God says about money and how much you should give of your time and of your financial resources.

Week 2 is all about spending. It is very important to take control of your spending because your spending affects your savings, credit, and retirement needs.

Week 3 is where you will learn how to put together a plan for reducing and eventually getting out of debt. It also provides advice on smart ways to improve your credit score.

Week 4 covers short-term savings and the basics of investing, including how to determine your savings and investment goals, and the different types of investment risks.

Week 5 looks at the important financial documents you should have in place—such as wills and powers of attorney—and touches on life insurance.

Week 6 is your chance to review everything you have learned. You will conduct an assessment to see what you have been doing well and which areas you need to continue working on.

Some of the chapters might be more challenging than others, just as in life some things are harder than others. The key is that you can’t grow unless you challenge yourself.  For some of you, what you are about to read may not be new—but it will serve as a great refresher.  I ask you to spend some time, be willing to make some sacrifices, and constantly pray for strength and guidance from God because I believe your finances, your relationships, your life, and whatever else is important to you will be everything you ever dreamed of if you do it God’s way.

 

Steve Repak, Certified Financial Planner™, Financial Literacy Speaker, Army Veteran, and the Author of 6 Week Money Challenge: For Your Personal Finances.

www.steverepak.com

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Can Moms And Dads Learn To Be Sons?

My world was disrupted a few years ago when I joined a new church fellowship and heard the pastor and others speak about God the Father as ‘Daddy God’. I was offended with the seemingly casualness of their relationship with the Father. My pastor described how he used to climb into bed with his toddler daughter, and she would have to fall asleep with him face to face, but she always wanted her mommy. The story unfolded as one night his daughter looked him in the face, clutching his hair and said “Daddy, I choose you.”   

Although this story offended my mind, I would weep with the pursuit of this daddy for the heart of his beloved daughter. My dad had never pursued me; he was an alcoholic and abused my mom. My ex-husband never pursued my children. There was a little girl inside of me created to be relentless pursued by Daddy God and He offended my mind to reveal my heart.

I thought I had ‘gotten it’. I had raised 4 children to KNOW the voice of the Father, imparting a love for the Father, turning and asking advice from the Father. But as I reflected on this Daddy’s Delightful heart, and relentless pursuit; I knew I had missed a very key component of who God was and He wanted to take me on a journey.

I had been down a similar path before, many times. But the most profound was when I went through my divorce and God began to speak to me about being my Husband. Again, great offense was taken as He highlighted scripture passages about being my Husband. I reluctantly said yes to His invitation and went on the most incredible journey of restoration and hope as bit by bit He broke through the hard, broken pieces of my shattered heart. He not only restored my heart, He built a solid foundation from which I will forever live my life on…a foundation of LOVE.  

 

The adventure into sonship has been no different. Apparently, from Heaven’s perspective, there was a gaping hole in my life called “who are you as beloved daughter?” And as the Holy Spirit highlighted this by showing me the offense in my heart, I determined to jump into the river of His Delight, and discover yet another deep truth of Abba’s love.

As I reflect on these adventures, I realize that the Lord lovingly takes me through similar steps to reveal His heart to me, and root me and ground me in the knowledge of His love.

·        I realize a void in my life. Maybe I am in continual crisis and I need Him as my Shalom. When I was fighting in court for custody of my children I needed Him to show Himself as the Righteous Judge. Over and over, the spaces in my life are invitations for the Lord to make His name known.

·        I begin to explore His attributes. I might do a word search on Provider, or Judge. Or as in the case with Jesus as the Bridegroom, I spent 4 years of my life studying, prayer journaling, and meditating on a whole book of the bible: The Song of Solomon. 

·        I PRAY. Prayer for me is a 2-way dialogue. I talk to my Daddy about what I feel, oftentimes I will get images or pictures of past events, or my imagination kicks in and I use it to encounter an approachable God.

·        I use the language that I am stumbling over. I begin to add the words to my vocabulary. This has had a powerful impact on my life. I am working the reality into my heart by using my words to establish the truth and my heart and actions begin to follow.

·        I study others who carry this revelation. In the case of sonship, I watched children run to their daddy’s, I watched dads sweep their little girls in their arms, I even watched some YouTube videos with good and not so good dads. All of this helped me sort through my paradigm of Daddy.

·        I looked at JESUS…the Son who is the EXACT representation of the Father. Jesus and the Father are one. By studying His character, His response to the hurt and broken, His passion as Abba, I began to connect deeper to the heart of my Daddy.

All of this helped me trust the intimacy of who Daddy is. All of this helped me begin to walk as a daughter, a beloved, adored, treasured daughter. This helped me accept my Dad’s jealousy over me and trust His leadership. It has helped me in my relationship with my adult children. Understanding the heart of Daddy God empowers me to represent my Dad here on earth better. And, if Jesus, the firstborn Son came to represent the Father, shouldn’t that be my mission on earth too? I want to represent my Daddy well and I cannot do that if I don’t know Him.

So, have you met Daddy God? Whether you are a father or mother, do you comprehend God’s Delight in you as a son or daughter?

As a single parent, our focus is on parenting well; but what abundant joy we can impart to our kids from the place of being the Beloved!  He is wooing us all into a deeper knowledge of this love…Can you hear the whisper of the Lord, “who will run with me?”

Misty Honnold is the founder and director of The Single Mom KC, an author for various websites, and speaker on multiple single parenting topics. For more information, please visit http://thesinglemomkc.org.

A New Kind of Reconciliation With a Former Spouse

Our first guest blogger this month is a very close friend of mine. Clare DeGraff has been a spiritual mentor for hundreds of men, including me. He is also a friend, brother in Christ, and a truly genuine representation of a Christ-follower. I pray you are blessed by his words here. –Matt

Almost every divorced Christian I know cannot imagine reconciling with their former spouse.  So much hurt, so many bitter words and fights. “Clare, why would I take that risk and jump back into that snake pit again?”

Not only are there those risks, but in most cases one or both of the spouses have remarried.  “So, Clare even if I wanted to reconcile with my ex it is impossible.”

Surprisingly, it isn’t.  At least, not the kind of reconciliation I’m encouraging.

So what follows is the advice I gave to a divorced man recently that you may want to pass on to a divorced friend, or anyone at odds with another believer.

Webster defines reconcile this way; “to cause people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement.”

The Bible says this, “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” - Luke 6:27,28

 

Reconciling with your “ex”

While you may be legally divorced from your former spouse, if he/she is a believer they are still your spiritual brother and sister.  And it is the will of God that we live reconciled to one another and in peace.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.” -2Corinthians 13:11

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,”  -Galatians 5:22

Peace is not only one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, but we’re to use all of our spiritual gifts to bring about peace.

Continuing my conversation with this man, “You’re not only expected to make an effort to live at peace with your ‘ex,’ it’s to your advantage to do so;” Why?

 

First, it’s a testimony to the power of the Holy Spirit to your children.

If you have children, for the rest of your life, you and your ex will have to negotiate holidays, weddings, birthdays, graduation and special events, even those of your grandchildren.  What a wonderful testimony to them of how Christians ought to live, even with people who disagree, if both you and your ex could attend and be kind and courteous to one another, so no innocent parties are made to feel uncomfortable.

Second, you will have peace of mind and your prayers will not be hindered.

This may be hard to hear; but unless you’ve had a biblical divorce, biblically speaking, your ex is still your spouse, in God’s eyes.  And therefore when you are bitter or angry with your spouse it’s tougher to pray with a free conscience. (1 Peter 3:7)

Third, Jesus commands us to attempt to make peace even if you are the innocent party!

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,” -Matthew 5:23.  Jesus isn’t saying if you have something against them.  He’s talking about them having hard feelings about you.  Perhaps your spouse still harbors hard feelings toward you.  You have an obligation to try to make peace

To harbor hateful thoughts is a sin.

“But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.” -Matthew 5:22
 

My final thought is this; you have no control over whether your ex will accept your offer of reconciliation and peace.  But you do have the responsibility as a believer to make a sincere effort.

 

Making the first moves

1.     Begin by praying for a receptive spirit in your former spouse, or another person whom you are at odds.

2.     Consider calling you ex and offering to meet with a godly friend you both trust, who is willing to help you navigate this reconciliation.  (If you or your ex have remarried, it would be very unwise to meet without a third person present.)

3.     Attempt to move beyond open hostility and discuss continuing tensions and how to eliminate or minimize them.

4.     If you come to a mutual understanding about how you will handle certain issues, put it in writing.  It will give both of you something to refer to in the future.

5.     Covenant to pray for one another.  I’ve yet to meet two “enemies” who committed to pray faithfully for “the best” for the other person, who remained enemies.

Finally

If you’ve sent this blog to someone, ask to meet with them.  Most people wounded by divorce are hesitant to take these steps without a faithful, praying friend to encourage them to do so.  Be that kind of friend.

 

 

How following Jesus works in real life.

 

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August is Guest Blogger Month!

Our annual "Guest Blogger Month" starts next week! Please look for upcoming posts from single parent and ministry experts from around the nation and be sure to SHARE their information!

We will resume the "Ten Deadly Traps" series beginning in September.

In His Name,

Matt

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Not Recognizing Their Significance

I’m going to talk from personal experience here, and primarily from a non-custodial standpoint. That is not to say what I write here doesn’t apply to primary custodial fathers, because it does too; but I want to emphasize that the majority (83%) of the time moms will be the primary caregiver in single parent homes. Thus, it is easy for a father to be viewed by himself and others as the “other” or “second” parent.

Since my daughter’s birth her mom has always had primary physical custody. I often felt pushed aside, not kept in the loop, and as an outsider looking in. The truth then is the same as it is now: I will always be my daughter’s father, and my involvement in her life carries great weight (as does yours in your children’s lives). Not recognizing our significance in the lives of our children can originally stem from a variety of previous experiences including lack of knowledge of how children with/without fathers do overall academically, socially, and emotionally; listening to the lies of others and allowing that to dictate our thoughts and self-perception, and low self-esteem to begin with.  

If this is news to you, let me offer some insight as to how to break free from this trap. I am not saying this will change everything significant regarding your parenting time and/or current situation, but it will surely help you grow as a man and father. With that, who knows what else may come out of it!

Start out by staying connected and engaged with your kids as much as you can. Use the time you have to really build solid relationships and quality time. During the days you don’t have them, use some creativity to surprise them with things like new decorations in their room, a make-over of the house…something kid-friendly like a fort or game you all can play. Or my personal favorite: start a journal for them filled with the memories you all spend together and the way you miss them and love them when they’re gone (this is a great gift to give them when they are young adults!). I also highly recommend investing in yourself regularly through spending time with God in prayer and the Word. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you (James 4:8).

As the years and different phases of life pass, continue building on the relationship with your children, noting the impacts you are making along the way. Acquire a mentor and have him help you set life goals for you and the kids- such as a rite of passage, identifying their spiritual gifts, and continuing/beginning new traditions. Stand firm on the words of Joshua, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Josh 24:15) and make that a continual priority. Stay faithful and watch how God shows up in the lives of you and your children.

Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments –Deut 7:9 (NKJV)

Ten Deadly Traps Single Fathers Fall Into: Competing With the Other Parent

“Guilty as charged.” That’s how I stand on this one. For a good portion of my daughter’s early years I found myself constantly competing with her mom…vying for my daughter’s approval (despite her being too young to know any different anyways). I was fighting a losing battle, one that I (literally) could not afford much longer. It actually got to the point of where I used to loathe saying “we can’t afford that” or “I don’t have any money”. What I should have been doing all along was investing in my daughter with the things I could control: my time, my resources, and the way I handled it all. I allowed things that didn’t matter to crowd out the things that did- I wonder how many other single parents do the same?

Look guys, whether you have primary custody or minimal, PLEASE don’t make the same mistakes I did! I allowed my pride to distract me from my parenting; and often negative emotions to dominate positive ones. If you currently find yourself doing the same when it comes to comparing yourself to the other home, then STOP! Seriously, nothing is more important than investing in your kids through your words, time, and acts of love. Some of the best times I’ve had with my daughter since I broke free from this trap have included building a cardboard neighborhood on the floor, climbing dunes in the summer and sledding down hills in the winter, annual trips through a local Christmas light attraction, and telling her funny stories at bedtime. When it’s all said and done, these are the things I’m sure she will remember when I’m gone…not the big trips or flashy gifts.

Sounds good, I know; but I also realize how emotions can get the best of us too. If you still struggle with feeling inadequate or how “fair” things seem to be, then I highly recommend you bring it before the Lord in prayer and ask Him to guide your heart. Focus on getting Christ in and let Him do the heart transplant. Ask Him to give you fresh ideas and to bring new opportunities forth for you to do with your kids. And by all means, don’t stop the traditions you already have going with them! If anything, this will show strength and resilience on your part to be able to overcome trials and still be able to pour into your son or daughter.

Jesus tells us that the greatest love we can show is laying our lives down for others (John 15:13) and Paul reminds us that the things that last forever are often that which we cannot see (2Cor 4:18). What prayer can you start praying today and what moves can you begin to make to take the competition between homes out of your life and replace it on a foundation in Christ?