Helping the Single Fathers in Your Life

Helping a single parent is a whole new level of reaching someone. It can be discouraging, messy, and rarely consistent. And unless you have ever been a single parent yourself, it can be quite intimidating to lend a helping hand to- let alone even knowing where to start. For anyone who may have a son, brother, or friend who is a single dad, here are five very quick tips that you can use to help them along the way.

Keep them covered

 

I know this may seem like an obvious one, but never underestimate the power of prayer. You may not completely understand everything they are going through, and that’s fine. Pray specific and transparent prayers, not manipulative or selfish ones. Be sure to love on the involved children unconditionally through it all and even pray with them whenever possible. Prayer can move mountains and when we pray within God’s will, we know we have the petitions we ask of Him (1John 5:14-15).

 

Seek godly counsel

 

Believe me when I say that I am fully aware of just how little there is for single fathers out there when it comes to Christ-centered help. Start by contacting some of the local churches in your area- ones that may have a higher single parent population than others. Even if the church doesn’t have an actual “single parent” ministry, many of the pastors may have counseled single dads in the past or at least have a general understanding of what they face regularly. You may also search for additional resources on our website: www.afatherswalk.org.

 

Do NOT slam the mom!

 

This is our “Golden Rule” of the ministry. Yes, the entire situation may be a mess and perhaps she is being spiteful or manipulative. I am sure it can be quite painful to watch your son of friend go through it all. I am right there with you when it comes to experiencing how unjust some situations may be due to the other parent or the courts’ doing. Still, if we allow the sin of anger and bitterness to seep into our hearts, it will only overflow into other areas of our life, perhaps even around the children. Instead, ask the Lord to remove these negative emotions from you if need be (you may really have to do some hardcore praying here!), but a softened heart is the only way to honor God (Psalm 86:11, Heb 3:13).

 

Help them build a foundation

 

Statistics show that only 33% of single parents attend church on a regular basis. Single parenting equals brokenness no matter how you slice it, and we know the only path to complete healing and restoration is through Jesus Christ. You know the single dads in your life well. Bible thumping and condemning talk isn’t going work- I will tell you that right now. What they need is to see the true love of Christ. Remain focused on creating a safe zone where your son, grandson, or friend can feel completely accepted and loved; somewhere they can heal and their feet can be set upon Rock.

 

Preparing for the long haul

 

Whether or not things ever get better between Dad and Mom no one may know. A father can always keep in mind that he is Dad for life, regardless of the circumstances. Things began extremely rocky between me and my daughter’s mom. Ten years later, it’s bumpy at best. Children get a huge part of their personality and self-perception from their father and our enemy is a master at keeping us spinning around in circles instead of looking to God for help. Any single father that holds fast to his relationship with the Lord will not only be able to persevere through the storms along the way, but will one day see His glory revealed through it all (Romans 8:18).

 

Single parenting is a tough situation for everyone involved. Our responsibility as Christian individuals is to show the unconditional love of Christ to others. The Bible tells us to hate what is evil and to cling to what is good. Love never fails and perfect love casts out fear. Hold fast to all of God’s promises, because we know in Christ all of His promises are “yes” and “amen”.  

Praying Through the Tough Times, and Leaving a Legacy That Lasts

 





As parents, we live for those unexpected moments when our kids surprise us with words or acts of love. For us fathers, those words will always have the ability to melt our hearts- no matter how old they get or how tough we think we are. Such was the case of some time I recently spent with my daughter.

Backstory first: My daughter’s mother and I aren’t on the best of terms, we never have been. I will take some ownership here, but I can truly say for the past several years I’ve been trying to work on a civil co-parenting relationship with her. On top of that, circumstances at her house have clearly been affecting my daughter lately. (Anyone who has been in a similar situation can feel me on this one.) It’s tough: a constant war between the flesh, which wants to badmouth Mom and “let her have it”; or remaining in the Spirit, talking it through with my daughter, and praying for them both during my quiet time. I choose option “B”. I have now been addressing the entire situation in prayer over the past couple months. Which brings me to this past weekend…

I was tucking my daughter in and although we haven’t had many episodes lately, she began to cry and share with me some of her personal thoughts and feelings. It was nothing bad or dangerous, she was just opening her heart to me. As I listened I gently rubbed her back and when I had the chance to talk, I chose words to build her mother up, explain how I saw the situation, and offered her some options of how she could talk it over with Mommy. Then the words that leveled me: “You always make me feel better”. Wow! Did that ever light me up inside! Just hearing that as a father tells me I’m on the right track, but I see it as way bigger than that. For all of the times I’ve sought God out to give me direction and help me to pray for my daughter’s mother, this was a clear example of how He has moved in me and now my daughter is being blessed by it. If I had allowed my flesh to rise up I surely could have said some things that would have affected my daughter negatively; let alone hinder my ability to parent in a godly way. Instead, I set my personal feelings aside and remained obedient by regularly praying for someone I did not care to pray for. The result is a blessing that I am hoping will one day become a legacy for my family. Sure, things are far from OK; but I truly believe that moments like this will build a foundation and a confidence in my daughter to help her cope with any of life’s difficulties she encounters over the years to come.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, I encourage you to remember the example points below and get these (or similar) verses in your mind for when you need them most:

1.      It’s not about you. Focus on how you react to any adverse situation and where your heart is from the beginning. Who’s going to be in charge: you or Him?

He must increase, but I must decrease. –John 3:30

2.      Testing produces character. We simply cannot acquire on a whim the proven character or strength needed to push through some situations. It doesn’t take patience (short-term); it takes perseverance (long-suffering). See Romans 5:3-5, James 1:2-4, and 1Peter 5:10 for further understanding.

3.      Keep everything covered in prayer- regardless if you are seeing any changes or not. Often times God is using a trial as a test to prepare us for bigger and better things down the line. It is crucial not to sell yourself short in this area and to stay focused on what He may be teaching you.

 

But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you. –Matt 6:6

“The one concern of the devil is to keep Christians from praying. He fears nothing from prayerless studies, prayerless work, and prayerless religion. He laughs at our toil, mocks at our wisdom, but trembles when we pray.” –Samuel Chadwick

 

Try to keep in mind that it isn’t the other parent (or whomever) that our struggle is against; it’s the forces behind it all (Eph 6:12). Don’t try to fight a spiritual battle in the flesh- it won’t work. Do your battles behind closed doors and on your knees. Not only will you have a greater potential for victory, but what you learn and the character you develop along the way will help you leave a legacy that can last for generations.



The Daddy Gap Christmas Special!

The Daddy Gap takes an uncensored look at the distress so many fatherless families are in and addresses the question of this generation: “Who’s going to take my dad’s place?”  Full of rich insights and lavish grace, The Daddy Gap helps single parents see how God loves them and wants to heal and restore them. Most of all, it helps to clear a path to help all wounded sons and daughters discover the Father they’ve always wanted and who has always wanted them.

This is a perfect gift for any single parent, church leader, or anyone who desires to know God’s indescribable love for the fatherless. 

Our Christmas promo is $15 (plus tax/shipping).

To order, please call (616) 581-4409 or email afatherswalk@gmail.com

 

Strength in the Weakness

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” –Matt 11:28-30 (NASB)

Maybe it’s just me (probably not though), but there seems to be a lot of heaviness and people who are just “worn out” lately: from work, stress, the upcoming holidays, etc. Being a single parent is definitely no easy task, and our daily burdens may seem to be magnified compared to others. But I think it goes beyond that. Our enemy loves to get us to a place where we become so distracted and worn down that we run ourselves in circles…and eventually right into his traps. (I once heard a man describe “BUSY” as Being Under Satan’s Yoke”)

As we approach into the Christmas season, we can remember one thing for sure: Jesus IS Immanuel: “God with us”. Yes, it may feel like you are constantly pouring out: to others, to your kids, and even to God, but that doesn’t mean He is not with you. Take inventory today of where you may be drying up spiritually and allow Jesus to be the one to refill you. I recently attended a prayer and praise night at my church…and wow! Did I ever need that! I encourage you all today to plug into His rest- in whatever capacity- for there is nothing that can compare and nothing that will fill you like time with the One who knows you best.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA

Because He First Loved Us

As a dad, I’ve never known anything other than being a single father. My daughter’s mom and I were never married and once she got pregnant, things went south very quickly. Over nine years later not much has changed. Sure we have our seasons of peace, but they are few and far between.
 
When she and I first met, I was not the man I am today. I was fresh off a decade-long run of hardcore drug and alcohol addiction. Having been raised in a home without a full-time dad myself, I found myself scraping and searching for answers to this new role of “fatherhood” that I had just entered into. As if that was not enough, there were multiple battles: legally in a courtroom, and verbally everywhere else. I had lost all sense of identity of who God had created me to be.
Through a series of events that began years earlier, I surrendered my life to Jesus when my daughter was about 8 months old. I was baptized a few months later and began the single father ministry the following year. Life had made a tremendous U-turn for me! When my daughter was almost two years old God gave me the courage and humility to talk on the subject of forgiveness with my daughter’s mom. I told her I forgave her for all the wrongs she had committed against me and I asked for her forgiveness too. It was NOT well received!  


Which brings me to today. Having been a follower of Christ for almost 9 years now, I still see some of the consequences of my actions from years ago being played out, but I also have been given a foundation to stand on that cannot be shaken. 1Peter 4:8 tells us that “love covers a multitude of sins.” If you do a word study on the word “love” in that passage, you will find that it can refer to acts such as “good will”, “benevolence”, or “brotherly love”.  To show this sort of love to the other parent helps protect us from a “multitude of sins” in our own lives such as anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness.  


I don’t know where you are with this today, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, our job is not to “keep score” against the other parent (we surely don’t want God doing that with us!). Instead, we should allow Him to help us die to self so that we can pour it into others. They may not deserve it, but neither do we. Yet, the Bible tells us in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (NASB)  When we give Him total access to reign in our hearts and lives, the greater the fruit we will see revealed. I’m speaking from experience here and I know you can too. And believe me, even though many of the trials and frustrations may still linger, the overwhelming joy and peace that comes through our faith shatters these temporary struggles and allows us to be the parents and Christians we were always created to be.


We love, because He first loved us. -1John 4:19 (NASB)

Forgiving Your Ex

“I hate her, mom!” I remember saying those words years ago to my own mom in reference to my daughter’s mother. It was Christmas Eve of 2006 and it was apparent that I was not going to get to see my daughter on her first Christmas. There weren’t any specific court times set regarding holidays, my daughter being only 7 ½ months old at the time. Instead, her mother offered to let me have her for about two hours that evening, which included about an hour and a half drive time round trip. So really, I only got to spend thirty minutes with my little girl that night- trying to get her to open and look at all of her gifts before it was time to go. Before I knew it, we were heading back for me to drop her off.


All I wanted was to be a dad and enjoy Christmas with my daughter; to give her the love I never received on holidays from my own parents. I remember sitting on my bed filled with so much excitement and love towards her, but so much anger towards her mom. I had not surrendered my life to the Lord yet at this point, so this was all being handled in my flesh- quite a dangerous scenario.


A few weeks afterwards, however, I gave my life to Christ. Surprisingly, the first person I prayed for on the altar was my daughter’s mom. I realized how chaotic our relationship (or lack of) was, and if we were going to do this as parents, there needed to be forgiveness. I immediately dove head first into church, was baptized, and began to seek out strong Christian influences. My daughter’s mom and I continued to battle, but as time went on, God was working on softening my heart. I pounded the Scriptures and prayer, and eventually came to a point when I needed to talk with her directly. I told her that I had turned my life around and that I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness too- it was not received well. Close friends of mine encouraged me to lay it down and keep praying for her.


In the years that have followed, not a day goes by that I don’t pray for my daughter and her mom. I have memorized multiple verses that I still have to apply regularly when things get heated between us. I also realize that God expects more of me as a believer and a father. I have learned to let the small things go, hold to a higher standard, and understand that I can only forgive because I have been forgiven for so much first. Sure, it’s a constant process, but I’ve seen blessings abound in every way. It is only in my hope and faith in Christ that I keep pressing forward.

 

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. –Eph 4:32

Note: This was originally published in The Life of a Single Mom’s magazine Overwhelmed in January 2014.

An Antidote to Risky Behaviors

According to WebMD, when families eat together on a regular basis the children are less likely to become overweight, more likely to abstain from risky behaviors such as smoking, drinking, or drugs, and tend to perform better overall academically and socially. Unfortunately, we often allow technology and the busyness of life to creep into a time that should be reserved for family bonding. Believe me, the conviction is rising on this end too even as I type this! If in fact you have caught yourself falling short in this area, adjustments can surely be made. Here are a few quick tips:  

1. The obvious one is to shut off all distractions such as cell phones, TV, tablets, etc… Too much screen time is unhealthy for anyone, and I assure you nothing is going to happen on Facebook that is more important than investing in time with your children. And parents, please take the initiative on this! If they see you checking your phone once in a while then the entire purpose of the time together will be greatly hindered.  
    
2. Open up the conversation. During a recent dinner with my wife and daughter, I began the meal by asking them both something that they did during the week that was productive. As I had hoped, a simple question such as this broke into a few tangents and began a fun and enjoyable conversation. Families that can be open and honest during relaxed times will surely be more likely to share more difficult feelings during challenging times.
    
3. Be prepared to listen! Please don’t turn this into some mundane exercise that you go through and hope for the best results. As the WebMD article above states, your children are more likely to really open up to what is going on in their lives and you may catch something that can be addressed before it becomes more serious. If anything, they will pick up on your genuine interest in listening to what they have to say and that will build their self-esteem and confidence.
    
4. Read some Scripture after dinner. Jesus tells us that “Man shall not live on bread alone, but out of every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.” (Matthew 4:4) In other words, food fills our temporal bodies, but God’s Word fills our spirit! It doesn’t have to be long; a short passage nightly will build a foundation for them for years to come.
    

Whether you are married or doing life as a single parent, making the adjustments to have regular and healthy meals with your kids is too important to pass up. Don’t wait! Let’s bring dinner back to where it belongs: at the dinner table!

 

…Your children will be like vigorous young olive trees as they sit around your table. –Psalm 128:3b (NLT)

Parents, are you intentionally having dinner regularly at the dinner table with your children?


Originally published on August 31, 2015 at www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com.