Why Single Fathers Matter

According to the Pew Research Center, there were approximately 300,000 single father households in 1960; today there are around 2.6 million. Still, this only accounts for 17% of all custodial parents in single parent homes. If we really want to broaden the spectrum, we can make a strong case that a “single father” is any man who is involved or wants to be involved in his children’s lives. Case and point: in our latest YouTube video you may notice none of the dads in the video were ever married and none are the custodial parent. But that doesn’t rule them out as the father, does it? Not at all! Without taking away from the amazing men who are already parenting as a one-man team, this approach greatly expands the mission field and our ability to relate with more dads- whether or not he is the custodial parent.

Research around the globe is consistent: when fathers are involved in the lives of their children (full or part-time), those children overall perform significantly better cognitively, emotionally, socially, and academically than those without involved dads. As we here at A Father’s Walk have said time and time again: If we want to stop the bleeding in this nation when it comes to crime, teen pregnancy and suicide, substance abuse, divorce, and so on…then we MUST get to the dads! Over the years our small group has seen men who have risen above and beyond as fathers despite overwhelming obstacles: everything from terminal diseases to felonies; but now are thriving as parents and spiritual leaders. There is a story of one single dad who joined the group before he even became a father- because he wanted to be prepared when his daughter was born! Today, that dad is just like a sponge: soaking up every bit of information he can on how to grow as a man and as a father. Others have voluntarily checked themselves into rehab to help overcome addictions; continued to support their children’s relationship with their mom- despite her leaving the family; and so on. Simply put, these single dads are doing what is necessary for the overall benefit of their families. Oh, if only ALL dads could rise like some of these men have!

It is with great encouragement this Father’s Day that we can recognize and celebrate such men. Jesus tells us in John 15:13 that “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (NASB) In a nation that is still experiencing the heartache and devastation of fatherlessness, we can rejoice and praise the Lord for fathers who do lay down their lives for their children’s sake. Single parenthood is still on the rise, but there is hope ahead. Organizations, churches, neighborhoods across the nation (and even the media) are really beginning to shine a positive light on fatherhood. The Fatherhood CoMission (of which AFW is a part of) has a new campaign entitled “Honor Your Father”. Their website www.honoryourfathertoday.com has plenty of tremendous resources to assist all of us to honor our own dads, honor fatherhood, and to grow as fathers ourselves. The Bible tells us in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”. (NASB)  God has put a very specific admonishment on dads as the spiritual leaders of their families. Single fathers are no exception to this and our children need this sort of godly influence like never before. This Father’s Day, we encourage you to celebrate the men who are answering the Lord’s call to raise their children in Christ. Even if that isn’t immediately evident in the life of a single dad you may know, then now is a great opportunity to introduce the saving grace of Jesus into his life. Remember, look for the potential, not the flaws. When we begin to view single fathers as the priceless investments that they are, we catch another glimpse of how God works through the most difficult of circumstances to fulfill some of His greatest testimonies.

Ice Cream and Adjustments: Balancing Good Health

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. -3John2

From the supernatural to the natural, we should always be mindful to be good stewards of our bodies (1Cor 3:16, 6:19-20). I was a personal trainer for about five years and I have seen firsthand the positive effects a balanced diet and regular exercise can produce. Mind you, this was back in my younger years- before I became a father myself and when my schedule could still be classified as “moderate” as far as busyness goes. I often had clients tell me tales of how hard it was to eat healthy on the fly and that they would munch on their children’s snack foods simply because it was in the house. Excuses, excuses! I would think to myself, justifying they needed to be more disciplined and get serious about their training. Although there is SOME truth to that, how quickly I experienced all of the above once I became a father myself! It’s rather humorous now: my daughter will come over for a weekend and we will pick up some ice cream on Friday evening. Typically we don’t finish it all before it is time for her to go back to her mom’s on Sunday. She always asks me to save her some until she comes back Tuesday afternoon. I usually give her some sort of goofy reply such as, “I will try, but I can’t guarantee it will be here by then”…followed by a big grin and a wink.

Ice cream and kidding aside, we do need to be mindful of our physical health. I am a huge advocate for regular exercise and a healthy diet; plus the stewardship of our musculoskeletal and immune systems. This past week I was very blessed to receive an email from Dr. Paul Kaminski of Kaminski Chiropractic here in Grand Rapids, MI. Dr. Paul has a fairly new practice in our area and as a way of making a strong impact in our community he will be making a generous donation to A Father’s Walk for each new client he sees the entire month of June! If you are looking for a professional and community-minded source for pediatric development and adult wellness, then please give Dr. Paul a call today and set up your first appointment. Even if you live outside of the greater Grand Rapids area, please be sure to take care of your body for you and your children’s sake. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is ourselves; and the healthier we are overall the greater quality of life we will be able to experience with them. And that, guys, is something to get excited about…even more than ice cream!

Focus on Issues: The Daddy Gap

Please feel free to watch this 30 minute program on single parents, fatherless children, and organizations that are making a difference when it comes to ministering to these families. You can view the entire program here:

http://www.grcmc.org/grtv/node/8060/focus-on-issues---the-daddy-gap

How Single Dads Can Help Their Children Celebrate Mother's Day

I got to help my daughter celebrate Mother’s Day with her mom for about five years before she got married. Although I can’t put a finger on any specific gifts or cards we gave her, I know we always did something. Regardless of what sort of terms Mom and I were on any given year, I was fortunate enough to recognize the teaching moments these presented- to both my daughter and I.  

What we are teaching our children

One of my favorite fatherhood quotes is by Clarence B. Kelland. He said, “My father didn’t tell me how to live. He lived and let me watch him do it.” Our kids don’t always need to know what is going on between their mother and us; they just want to have fun and love on both of their parents equally. When we help them make Mom a card for Mother’s Day or go with them to pick out a gift (which is from them, but purchased with our money), we are teaching our sons the invaluable lesson of respecting women and we are telling our daughters (who usually end up marrying someone like their father) that they are worthy and should be treated as so. Most importantly, we are spending quality time and helping them to love their mom. I would say in most cases this is a win-win.

What we are teaching ourselves

I have no idea where you and your child’s mother stand as co-parents. Perhaps everything is civil and running smooth; or maybe you are about as far in the opposite direction as you can possibly be. Either way you have a great opportunity right before you to grow as a person and as a father. By engaging with your kids in something that you really don’t have to do is a great example of humility and kindness- neither of which we men should be ashamed of. Putting your personal feelings aside for the sake of your children is a portrayal of selflessness and unconditional love. You are saying to your kids, “I love you so much, and what is important to you is important to me, no matter what.” This is not a sign of weakness, but rather, one of tremendous strength!

What this means in the long run

The Bible tells us in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” You may not consider your ex a “friend” per say, but I bet you consider your son or daughter much more than that! Think of it in that regard: by dying to yourself in order to love your children more, you are setting an example of perfect love. 1John 4:19 says, “We love, because He first loved us.” When we can truly grasp the magnitude of how much God has done for us, then it only becomes natural for it to flow into other areas of our lives. Even if you are doing it just for them, helping your kids honor their mom this Mother’s Day will have a greater impact than you may know. When it’s all said and done, your children will have a great day and you will have grown as a father and as a role model- both of which this world desperately needs more of!

It isn’t the big pleasures that count the most; it is making a great deal out of the little ones. -Annonymous

Becasue He First Loved Us

As a dad, I’ve never known anything other than being a single father. My daughter’s mom and I were never married and once she got pregnant, things went south very quickly. Over nine years later not much has changed. Sure we have our seasons of peace, but they are few and far between; and my current circumstances have brought on new levels of frustration.

When she and I first met, I was not the man I am today. I was fresh off a decade-long run of hardcore drug and alcohol addiction. Having been raised in a home without a full-time dad myself, I found myself scraping and searching for answers to this new role of “fatherhood” that I had just entered into. As if that was not enough, there were multiple battles: legally in a courtroom, and verbally everywhere else. I had lost all sense of identity of who God had created me to be.

Through a series of events that began years earlier, I surrendered my life to Jesus when my daughter was about 8 months old. I was baptized a few months later and began the single father ministry the following year. Life had made a tremendous U-turn for me! When my daughter was almost two years old God gave me the courage and humility to talk on the subject of forgiveness with my daughter’s mom. I told her I forgave her for all the wrongs she had committed against me
and I asked for her forgiveness too. It was NOT well received!  

Which brings me to today. Having been a follower of Christ for over 8 years now, I still see some of the consequences of my actions from years ago still being played out, but I also have been given a foundation that cannot be shaken to stand on. 1Peter 4:8 tells us that “love covers a multitude of sins.” If you do a word study on the word “love” in that passage, you will find that it can refer to acts such as “good will”, “benevolence”, or “brotherly love”.  To show this sort of love to the other parent helps protect us from a “multitude of sins” in our own lives such as anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness.  

I don’t know where you are with this today, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, our job is not to “keep score” against the other parent (we surely don’t want God doing that with us!). Instead, we should allow Him to help us die to self so that we can pour it into others. They may not deserve it, but neither do we. Yet, the Bible tells us in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (NASB)  When we give Him total access to reign in our hearts and lives, the greater the fruit we will see revealed. I’m speaking from experience here and I know you can too. And believe me, even though many of the trials and frustrations may still linger, the overwhelming joy and peace that comes through our faith shatters through these temporary struggles and allows us to be the parents and Christians we were always created to be.

We love, because He first loved us. -1John 4:19 (NASB)

Originally posted on March 24, 2015 at http://thesinglemomkc.org/blog/because-he-first-loved-us/

How to Honor Your Not Honorable Parent

In a society where fatherlessness (or at least dads who aren’t stepping up to the plate) runs rampant, one thought must race through the minds of so many men and women out there: “How do you honor someone who isn’t honorable?” This is a question I’ve wrestled with myself over the years- both revealing the flesh side of anger and disappointment from my own upbringing; as well as the spiritual side of love and grace since I became a follower of Jesus. I have asked that question to a mentor of mine and gathered my own conclusions along the way. Here are a few brief thoughts on the matter:

Sometimes “honor” means not saying anything at all

We learn it early in life: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. The Bible consistently tells us that whether it is slander, gossip, or retaliation, that life and death are in the power of the tongue and the same mouth we use to bless God with should be used to build others up, not tear them down. Our words carry great power, so let’s choose them wisely.

Recognize the holidays

Father’s Day and perhaps some of the major holidays may not top (or even exist on) your list of “favorite things to do”, but again, to honor our fathers may mean making the sacrifice to attend a family function; or at least sending a gift or card with some kind words in it. Recognizing our dads during such occasions is also a great way to allow the Lord to work on us and soften our hearts along the way.

Allow God to heal the wounded areas

In our recently-published book The Daddy Gap I make the statement, “A wound will only become infected if it is left untreated.” In other words, failure to address our “father wounds” can become potentially hazardous to many areas of our lives such as our marriages and relationships with our own children. There is healing at the Cross, and Christ is the only one who can completely heal the damage our dads may have caused us.

In one way or another, our fathers have the ability to make us or break us as adults. Nevertheless, if they fell short and missed the mark, we are still commanded to honor them in a Biblical way. In doing so, our heavenly Father will be glorified and He will bless us with eternal gifts that even the greatest of dads down here could never provide his children.

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you. –Exodus 20:12 (NASB)

Parents, are you honoring your earthly father in a way that pleases the Lord?

Originally published at www.1corinthians13parenting.com on March 23, 2015

Single Parents: The Unsung Heroes of Today's Society

We now live in a world where terms such as "single parent" or "fatherlessness" blend into our vocabulary as easily as discussing the weather. TV shows glorify it and secular music practically encourages it. Yet all too often, single parenting is anything but glorious. With approximately 37% of all US households headed by a single parent (40% of those are considered "food insecure"), a crisis alarm has been sounded; but is it falling on deaf ears...or on the hands and feet of Christ?

Thirty-one years ago Ronald Reagan stated, "Before they are eighteen, about half of our Nation's children will have lived part of their lives with a single parent who strives to fill the role of both mother and father...Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim March 21, 1984, as National Single Parent Day. I call on the people of the United States to recognize the contributions single parents are making, sometimes under great hardships, to the lives of their children, and I ask that they volunteer their help, privately or through community organizations, to single parents who seek it to meet their aspirations for their children." (Proclamation 5166)

Single parents aren't always the deadbeat dads or welfare-addicted moms we may stereotype them out to be (For a better example, you can check out our new AFW YouTube video here). They are people who have either made some poor decisions in life or been the victim of someone else's choice- the same sort of broken individuals as the rest of us. Single parents frequently lay their own lives, desires, and resources down for the better of their children. They can be more resourceful than many of us could ever imagine, and despite overwhelming amounts of stress and exhaustion, still find time to serve and love others. Jesus tells us in John 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." (NASB)  I have seen a single dad in the worst of health give 110% just to build a room for his daughter; and a single mom give away her already limited resources to another who needed them more. It is examples such as these accompanied by the love and hope we have in Christ that I am inspired and humbled to work among such amazing men and women. I pray you are too and will reach out to help serve a single parent in your life.