Co-Parenting with an Ex: Are You an Advocate...or Adversary?

Here is the latest AFW article from Crosswalk.com:

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/parenting/single-parents/co-parenting-with-an-ex-are-you-an-advocate-or-adversary.html?ps=0

Baby Mama Drama... and Grace

You have heard that is was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven… -Matt 5:43-45 (NKJV)

            Let’s face it, in a fallen world crowded with imperfect people there is bound to be drama in one form or another. Some of it is pretty manageable, but more often than not in this thing we call “life”, there are going to be plenty of opportunities for others to push us to our limits. I hesitate to use the phrase “baby mama drama” (or daddy for you women), but like a friend of mine pointed out…it IS a real issue in today’s world.

            Single and co-parenting naturally brings in brokenness; and brokenness if left unattended, becomes a breeding ground for sin. Paul warns us in Eph 4 to “be angry and do not sin…do not give the devil and opportunity” and Peter tells us to be on alert from our enemy (1Pet 5:8). No matter how bad the heat may come from the other parent sometimes, our focus should always remain the same as Jesus’: keep our hearts and minds focused on God and His statutes. I know that sure is easier said than done, but as single parents we must come to accept the reality that we cannot control the other parent and that things aren’t always fair. Our obligation is to Christ first and then our kids.

            The apostle Paul tells us in Eph 6 that our fight is in the spiritual realm─ not against flesh and blood. Anyone who is not walking under the power and authority of the Holy Spirit is easily subject to be used like a puppet by Satan. And just like any battle, it must be fought on neutral grounds. We should never attempt to fight spiritual battles in our flesh. If we do, we will get beat up over and over and perhaps even make the situation worse. Instead, zero in on passages such as Paul’s teaching in 2Cor 10:3-5 and hold fast to the fact that we have a Savior who has gone before us in every possible way so that He can lead, guide, and help us to overcome the same.

            No one knew heartache and betrayal more than Christ. Yet, the writer of Hebrews tells us that He looked past the now and towards the glory that God was about to reveal (Heb 12:1-3). Our mindset should be the same and even though the mercury may be spiking when it comes to our emotions, we shouldn’t let them lead us astray into even greater sin. Does that make it any easier when your child’s mom or dad is really pouring it on? Maybe, maybe not; but hopefully it does give you encouragement. Jesus explained to us that we WILL have tribulation in this life (John 16:33). God expects more out of us as believers and as parents, but He in no ways leaves us to fend for ourselves. If you look back at my previous blog Going Forth With Praise you will find a perfect example of how keeping our eyes, minds, and hearts focused on Him and giving praise in the midst of the storm will ultimately bring us to victory. Whether or not that outcome is the same as you envisioned I do not know, but I do know that if we remain faithful, God will cause all things to work for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Legendary UCLA coach John Wooden once said, “Failing to prepare is like preparing to fail”. If we are not trained, prepped, and equipped for when the tests and trials hit, we will get pulverized every time. That is why our quiet time with God is so imperative─ for when moments like these arise. The greater your prayer life and the more Scripture you know AND APPLY on a regular basis, the better you will endure. Based on some personal experience, here are several verses that will give you a foundation when adverse situations with your ex (or whenever) come up:

Isaiah 54:17

Psalm 55:22

Romans 5:3-5, 12:9-21

Proverbs 10:19, 14:29, 15:18

2Tim 2:24

James 1:2-4, 19-20

1Peter 4:12-13, 5:10

            Once again, these will only be effective if done with pure motives, under control of the Holy Spirit, and in faith that God will hold true to His word. Just like in the gym: if we want to grow bigger, faster, and stronger, then we need to hit the weights, eat the right food, and have a sound program. Same thing spiritually: When we encounter spiritual “weights” (resistance), eat the right food (the Word of God…see Matthew 4:4), and have a sound program in place (quiet time, church, mentor, etc…) we are able to grow in our walk with the Lord. Resistance doesn’t necessarily go away, we just become more conditioned to handle it. The ultimate goal, of course, should be to model Christ and pray for those who may wreak havoc in our life. Our obedience now can and will result in eternal blessings in ours and our children’s lives down the road.

But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in time of trouble. And the Lord shall help them and deliver them; he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in Him. –Psalm 37:39-40

It is Spoken

For you have been born again not of seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring word of God. -1Peter 1:23

Before the apostle Peter could even make such a statement as the one above, he first had to have a true encounter with the risen Lord Jesus Christ himself. The same goes for us. God has predestined each one of us to do His good works (Eph 2:10), but it is not something that usually (more like rarely) happens overnight. He uses our spiritual victories and falls to draw us closer to Him, ultimately bringing us to the point He created us for…if we are willing to be teachable along the way. Follow me on this.

The word was spoken over him

            Take a look at Matthew 16, where Jesus is asking the disciples who others say that He is. They respond with answers such as John the Baptist, Elijah, Jeremiah, or one of the other prophets. Peter confirms Jesus’ true identity and deity with the statement, “You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.” (v 16)  Jesus commends Peter’s answer and gives the disciple a specific admonishment: “I also say to you that you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build My church; and the gates of Hades will not overpower it.” (v 18)  Wow! Can you imagine the way Peter must have felt at that given moment? God literally spoke a word over Peter’s life.

How soon we forget

            Unfortunately for Peter, a few verses later he speaks up out of ignorance rather than the same Spirit that had just revealed Jesus’ Lordship to him. Jesus rebukes Peter and even references him to Satan (v 21-23)…talk about a change in momentum! I’m wondering, how often does God speak a word over us or give us specific instructions…only for us to fall back in the flesh so quickly? I know I can’t be the only one, right?

God gives us glimpses of who He truly is

            One chapter later, Peter and two other disciples have one of what has to be the greatest and most life-altering experiences of their lives as they are witnesses to the Transfiguration of Jesus on the mountain (Matt 17:1-8). You see, up until that point, they only knew of Christ in the flesh, albeit His Devine nature as well. The Transfiguration is an example of how a loving God, despite our slips and falls, will still continue to reveal Himself along the way in order to accomplish His ultimate purpose for our lives. John 4:24 tells us that we are to worship God in Spirit and in truth; so despite our human nature, we are all spiritual beings created to worship a God that is spirit as well.

Hitting rock bottom

            Fast forward a few more chapters and we find Jesus arrested, bring tried, and eventually to be put to death. But before that, at the last supper, Peter once again boldly proclaims his undivided allegiance to the Lord by stating that even though others may leave Jesus, he never would. In fact, Peter even states that he would even die for Him! Once again Jesus breaks the news and lets Peter know that not only will he leave Him, but Peter will deny Jesus three times (Matt 26:31-35, 69-75). This just goes to show how weak and pathetic our flesh can really be. The apostle Paul backs this up in Philippians 3:3 by telling us to put no confidence in the flesh. How often does it seem when we are just getting some good traction for the Kingdom that we screw up so incredibly bad? However, going back to the beginning of Peter’s story, God had spoken a word over him and the Bible tells us in Romans 11:29 that “the gifts and calling of God are irrevocable”.  So watch what happens next…

Peter’s Restoration

            John 21 finds us at a familiar scene- the disciples out fishing. Jesus has been crucified and unknowing to the men, He has risen as well. Eventually they are alerted to Jesus’ presence and once again Peter finds himself having a heart to heart with the Lord. Jesus NEVER once brings up Peter’s mistakes; but rather gives Peter the charge to feed and tend to His lambs (“I will build my church”).  A couple pages later, in the book of Acts, Peter boldly shares who Jesus is and what He has done and more than 3,000 people become believers! He never looked back. Two thousand years later, we are still living in the overflow of Peter’s restoration. (From The Daddy Gap by myself and Dawn Walker…to be released this spring)

God’s spoken word fulfilled

So there it is. Jesus spoke a word over Peter’s life back in Matthew 16, and over 2000 years later the Church is still continuing to grow and thrive! Let me ask you a question: What has God spoken over your life? Perhaps it is to do the amazing or miraculous in His name; or perhaps it is to raise godly children, start a nonprofit, or lead a small group. The point is God’s word is eternal and trumps all else. So for Peter to tell us that we are born again of an imperishable seed, he himself first needed to die, be born again, and live God’s word out in his own life. The exact same is true for you and I as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuJWQzjfU3o

Default Christians

…This people honors Me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. –Mark 7:6

            I have identified many of today’s “Christians” as what I like to call default Christians. Basically, these would be people that have the mindset of, “Well, I believe in GOD, I’m not a Muslim or Atheist, I live in America, so thus my default…I must be a Christian.” Or something like that. Pick whatever cliché you want: going to church makes you a Christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car, believing in God makes you a Christian, being a good person makes you a Christian, etc… They may even stick up for some of the hot topics of debate in today’s Church, but never set foot in a church themselves. None of these even come close to comparing to the sacrifice Jesus paid for us and what He asks in return.

            I cannot think of a single time during Jesus’ ministry where He gave us a free pass on following Him. Christianity is a conscious and willful decision to accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior and to lay everything we have…our money, family, comfort, or even our life down before God to do with it as He sees fit. It is also with the understanding that we have no idea of what is in our own best interest; not the way God does. At least an atheist believes they are an atheist, but a complacent or misconstrued Christian is even more dangerous; because they represent a false sense of security that may endanger others in believing the same.

            This is where studying God’s Word through the Holy Spirit (who is given to us through Christ) and in its entirety is so crucial. The more we spend time in God’s presence and allow Him to work within us, the more we are able to spiritually see and discern for ourselves(1Cor 2:14). I don’t know where you find yourself in your walk today, but one thing is for sure: If we are not living, breathing, and modeling God’s will for our life correctly, then as James says, we delude ourselves. Comfort doesn’t necessarily mean correct. And the label of “Christian” can be quite different than the reality of “Christ-follower.”

Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. -1Cor 1:25

If you believe in your heart and confess with your mouth “Jesus is Lord”, you will be saved. –Romans 10:9

Helping the Single Fathers in Your Life

           I often spend so much time in the world of single parent ministry that I forget there are plenty of strong and thriving marriages out there. I also am so directly engaged with single fathers on a daily basis that I tend to overlook those of you who may have a son, brother, friend, or grandson who is a single dad. It is for that very reason I am writing this blog. Many of you may perhaps know a single father and aren’t exactly sure how to help him out. For me, having outside eyes and ears, or “referrals” if you will, helps me and the ministry reach single dads that I may not have ever had a chance to make contact with. So in short, I will do my best to help you if you can do the same for me.

            Single parent ministry is a whole new level of reaching people. It can be discouraging, messy, and rarely consistent. And unless you have ever been a single parent yourself, it can be quite intimidating to lend a helping hand to- let alone even knowing where to start. So to help guide you along, I am going to lay out five very quick tips that you can use to help build a foundation for your single father son, grandson, or whoever.

1.      Keep them covered

I know this may seem like an obvious one, but never underestimate the power of prayer; especially of a parent praying over their child. You may not completely understand everything your son is going through, and that’s fine. But pray specific and transparent prayers, not manipulative or selfish ones. Also be sure to love on the involved children unconditionally through it all and even pray with them whenever possible. Prayer can move mountains and when we pray within God’s will, we know we have the petitions we ask of Him. (Matt 10:20, 1John 5:14-15)

 

2.      Seek godly counsel

Believe me when I say that I am fully aware of just how little there is for single fathers out there when it comes to Christ-centered help. Start by contacting some of the local churches in your area- ones that may have a higher single parent population than others. Even if the church doesn’t have an actual “single parent” ministry, many of the pastors have perhaps counseled some single dads in the past and at least have a general understanding of what they face regularly. Of course, you may also feel free to contact me for additional help at www.afatherswalk.org.

 

3.      Do NOT slam the mom!

This is our “Golden Rule” of the ministry. Yes, the entire situation may be a mess and perhaps she is being spiteful or manipulative. I am sure it can be quite painful to watch your son of friend go through it all. I am right there with you when it comes to experiencing how unjust some situations may be due to the other parent or the courts doing. Still, as followers of Christ we are called to hold to a higher standard and if we allow the sin of anger and bitterness to seep into our hearts, it will only overflow into other areas of our life- perhaps even around the children. Instead, ask the Lord to remove these negative emotions from you if need be (you may really have to do some hardcore praying here!), but a softened heart is the only way to honor God. (Psalm 57:7).

 

4.      Help them build a foundation

Statistics show that less than 12% of single parents attend church on a regular basis. Even if they do, with the divorce rate skyrocketing the way it is and out of wedlock births now the majority, I have seen plenty of Christian men find themselves to be single fathers. Single parenting equals brokenness no matter how you slice it, and we all know the only path to complete healing and restoration is through Jesus Christ. You know your son better than anyone. Bible thumping and condemning talk isn’t going work- I will tell you that right now. What they need is to see the true love of Christ: I’m talking like the love that was spilled out in a bloody mess down a tree and down the hill for us sort of love. This may mean revisiting your own relationship with the Lord first. The main focus here needs to be a safe zone where your son, grandson, or friend can feel completely accepted and loved; somewhere where their feet can be set upon rock.

5.      Stay focused on the long haul

Whether or not things ever get better between the dad and the mom no one knows. Dad’s focus needs to remain on the fact that he is Dad- for life. Things began extremely rocky between me and my daughter’s mom. Almost eight years later, it’s bumpy at best. Children get a huge part of their personality and self-perception from their father; and our enemy is a master at keeping us spinning around in circles instead of looking up to God for help. I once heard a great author say (I’m paraphrasing) [that as much as we would like to keep our children our little ones, our job as fathers is to prepare them for adulthood and then release them.] Christ is the head, followed by Dad. Any single father that holds fast to that will not only be able to persevere through the storms along the way, but will one day see God’s glory revealed through it all. (Romans 8:18)

 

            Once again, single parenting is a tough, tough situation for everyone involved. Our job as godly parents is to show the unconditional love of Christ to our own children, and to do the same for the kids involved. The Bible tells us to hate what is evil and to cling to what is good. Love never fails and perfect love casts out fear. Hold fast to all of God’s promises, because we know in Christ all of His promises are “yes” and “amen”.

Going Forth With Praise

O our God, will You not judge them? For we have no power against this great multitude that is coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are upon You…And when he had consulted with the people, he appointed those who should sing to the Lord, and who praise the beauty of holiness, as they went out before the army and were saying: “Praise the Lord, for His mercy endures forever.” -2Chron 20:12, 21 (NKJV)

            How is your praise life? Not your prayer life- your praise life. Are you giving God the glory for all of the blessings in your life? Even better question: are you praising Him for the storms? If we read the entire passage in 2Chron 20:1-30 we find king Jehoshaphat and all of Judah facing innumerable odds against their approaching enemies. Sure, the king was frightened- for he knew that man to man they could not win this battle. Jehoshaphat was a righteous man of God and like any strong leader and man of faith, he reacted immediately with wisdom and faith in the Lord.

1.      Upon learning of the approaching threat, the first thing the king did was bring his people together to corporately fast and seek the Lord (v 3,4). This brought together a bond of unity throughout the land and prepared everyone’s heart for what lay ahead. Division causes confusion and is a scare tactic of our enemy. When we are unified with God through our faith in Christ, we secure a foundation that is not easily broken (Ecc 4:12).

2.      He reminded God of His promises. Jehoshaphat didn’t ask for a bail out. He was prepared to do God’s will regardless (v 9), but he also pleaded with God on behalf of the land spoke of God’s promises and faithfulness over Israel. Obviously, God does not need reminding; but it is in these moments of crying out to God that He can do His best work within us and increase our faith. Just like David, Jehoshaphat kept his eyes on God- not his circumstances (v 12).

 

3.      Praise went forth first. After the Lord spoke through the prophet Jahaziel and assured Judah they would not even have to fight this battle, the king still positioned his “praise team” to go forth first. Why do you think that is? Because praise always overcomes oppression (Isaiah 61:3). Israel’s enemies would defeat themselves and though what was perceived in the natural to be a losing fight, we must always remember that God works in both the natural AND the supernatural. We can’t fight spiritual battles on fleshy terms.

            So what are you up against today? Are you feeling a lot like Judah- with enemies closing in from all sides? Do the odds seem to be stacked overwhelmingly against you? Well, if that is the case you have reason to celebrate! Please don’t forget that we all have a High Priest that has gone on before us to clear the path to freedom. Our job is to keep our eyes on Him and offer up the sacrifice of praise, the fruit of our lips (Heb 13:15). For that is when God can do His best work.

For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? –Romans 8:24

Single Fathers and today's Church podcast

Here is a podcast I recorded with Pastor Kyle Ray of Kentwood Community Church. It is on today's Church and single fathers. Enjoy!

http://www.woodradio.com/media/podcast-a-fathers-walk-single-dads-podcast-AFathersWalkPodcast/single-dads-and-the-church-24161299/