The Perception of Single Fatherhood- Part 2

“One generation shall praise Your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.” –Psalm 145:4

Continuing with our current small group series, we have moved on from how the world sees us as single dads to how our children view us. The first main point we talked about was why fathers are so important in a child’s life in the first place. Whether we are married or not, FATHERS are the spiritual and life leaders of their children. Now, obviously many men fall short in this area and some never step up to the plate, but that does not negate the fact that we are called to lead. We bring authority and discipline, but also a strong sense of love and protection too. 

Our small group is across the board when it comes to custody arrangements and past relationships. About half of us have never been married, while the other half is divorced. One of the guys has full custody of his kids while some of us have only had them minimally. Despite these external factors, our kids may view us differently than they would if we were in intact two parent households. My daughter has never known any different- since I was never married to her mom. However, I have been there since day one and much like some of the other men in the group, I have poured into her more than perhaps some dads do who have their kids all the time. (I’ll touch more on this in a minute.) Others have had some resistance when it came to the kids adapting to the new living conditions. Bottom line is, no matter what is going on now, we as fathers have the God-given responsibility to bring our sons and daughters up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph 6:4).

Finally, I asked the question as to what were some pros and cons to being a single parent. Obviously, some of the stressors are lack of time, energy, and often financial resources to do more outgoing things. We also are not able to see our kids all of the time, tuck them in bed, or even ask them how their day was. But…we ARE able to give them our undivided attention when we do have them, and some great one on one time. According to one statistic, the average father (married or not) only spends about one hour a day with his children. Having our children in our care for several hours during the week or an entire weekend definitely puts us ahead of the curve in that category. As Christian men, we also bring stability and security to our own homes, both of which are not always present in the other household.

God blesses the families and lineages of those who love Him and follow His commandments. Here are a few verses that compliment this for you to look up on your own time:

Deut 7:9

Eph 6:1-4

Col 3:20-21

Prov 22:6

I also briefly touched on the National Center for Fathering’s initiative Championship Fathering, which builds a three-point foundation that we dads commit to loving, coaching, and being great role models for our kids. We also are to enlist other dads in this initiative and to encourage boys and girls who do not have a father present. Based on what may seem sometimes like a mountain of adversity against us or our children, we single fathers are by no means exempt from any of this! In fact, God still has His hand on us and those beneath us, as long as we are willing to stay submitted to His love and authority. The next couple weeks our group will discuss how we view ourselves as single fathers and how God sees us…both of which will lead us into staying submitted to His sovereignty.

How is Your Heart?

A couple weeks ago at work I had a moment that I am not proud of by any means. I completely lost my cool and showed my coworkers a very rare side of me, not modeling Christ- to say the least. Although I went home and turned to God for forgiveness, the hurt and anger still weighed heavily on my heart. This all happened on a Friday and it carried over all day Saturday as well. However, it was all setting up perfectly for the encounter with God I would need that Sunday morning at church- one that would give me a new perspective on my walk and thrust me into my current mentality. I had never heard this song before, and as the man sang, the altars were opened for anyone who wanted to come forth to pray. All it took for me was the first few lines of the song and I was scooting out of my seat and heading straight down front.  Take a moment to listen to this and then come back to the rest of the blog:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aWEhNqnjuY

Beginning the following Monday, I asked a good friend of mine to check in with me every day regularly and just text me little things like, “How’s your heart?” or, “Where is your heart at?” I am keeping this as a front-burner accountability point so that as the song says, the world sees that my heart looks like His heart. But it goes beyond that. I can put the Jesus front on for anyone- except for God. The bottom line is that if our hearts are not completely sold out to Him, then sooner or later our actions will follow. We cannot cheapen grace. So now I’ve made it my prayer every day to not only have the world see my heart looking like His, but for God to see the same in me. I owe everything I have to Him and He deserves my all (Matt 22:37).

I was talking with a friend of mine today and we were discussing the things that truly matter in life. She was just offered a very high level (and I’m sure high paying) position at her company- but she declined. She immediately recognized that it would end up taking away from her family time and time with her husband. Kudos to her! She went on to tell me that when she and her husband first got married they had so little, but were so happy. Simple nights just curling up together and watching a movie was all they needed. This got me thinking about how we can lose focus in our walks and ministry too. If David had never become anything more than a shepherd and the baby brother, he still would have kept singing and dancing his brains out before God- because that’s all he desired. Yes, his life took off on a crazy roller coaster of all sorts, but in the end- he came back and rested in God’s love. I wonder how many men and women who have “succeeded” in ministry too have fallen into this sort of trap? We may start out with such humble beginnings, but the danger lies in when we replace blessings with success. In other words, is it possible for someone to become so wrapped up in a thriving or even global ministry that they forget why they are doing what they are doing in the first place?

Make sure you do your own heart check this week. Is your heart lining up with the heart of Christ? How do you intend to keep it that way? Whatever it takes to keep you there- hold fast to that and show the world what it is so desperately in need of.

“That you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God” –Col 1:10 (NKJV)

The Perception of Single Fatherhood- Part 1

The World’s Point of View

We are currently in the middle of this series in our single dad small group, so I decided to turn it into a blog as well. This will consist of four views on single fatherhood: how the world views us; how our children view us; how we view ourselves; and of course, how God views us.

“If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you.” –John 15:18 (NASB)

This first part was a tough discussion for some of the guys, mainly because of some of the “tags” and stereotypes that have been placed on us as a whole. Words such as “deadbeat” and “absentee” hover over men due to a culture that has abandoned its priorities and morals when it comes to leading and parenting. I have even been on the receiving end of such slander in the past. As is the case with any challenge, we must dig to the root of the issue, uncover it, and bring truth to the forefront with God’s Word.

I asked questions such as, “What are some of the causes and effects of fatherlessness?” and “How does the world view/react to single and absentee fathers?” The general consensus was fatherlessness can be generational, and we have replaced our values with sin through fleshy pleasures. All of this has drawn fathers further and further away from their kids- and at the same time the children are retracting the opposite way due to the never-ending pressures they face daily. Now, an absentee father who has completely left the picture voluntarily and not stepped up to the plate is one thing, but to place tags on good, God-loving men who either are involved, or WANT to be involved with their kids is another. I can tell you that all of the single dads in our small group are in their kid’s lives in one capacity or another, most of them even desiring to be a greater influence if given the opportunity.

The bottom line is that is hard to be a single parent no matter what. Whether you are full-custodial or partial, have freedom to see your children when you want or facing some barriers, we ALL must find our hope and comfort in Christ. I closed out our first discussion of this series with the verses and question below. Take what you can from them and apply them to your specific situation.

1Cor 2:14, 3:18-23

1John 3:13

Rev 12:11

Based on tonight’s discussion, how will you bring change to the world’s perception of single fathers?

Tony Evans once said (I’m paraphrasing here), “A messed up man is part of a messed up house…neighborhood…city…state…nation…world. So, if we want a better world, then we need a better nation…state…city…neighborhood…house…which begins with a better man." 

Coming Through

“Fathers need to work hard, whether married or not, to provide solid, responsible fathering…to work hard to be a positive influence for good in the children’s lives if mom and dad are no longer married.”  –Wayne Parker, About.com (Statistics on Children of Divorce in America)

 

Are you a dad that comes through? Do you make promises to your children and keep them, establishing an undeniable foundation of trust?  Can your kids count on you to be at the game or concert whenever possible, to do what you say you will- no matter how trivial it may seem to us?  These are some tough questions with some possibly convicting implications. If the answer is “no” or “I’ve never thought about it”, then perhaps it’s time we looked at the bigger picture.  As odd as this may (or may not) seem, I have noticed a huge difference in the way “Dad” is perceived in today’s society. It’s almost as if we dads that ARE involved and lead are kids are praised- for something we are supposed to do in the first place!  I have even noticed that when I see billboards of a family with mom, dad, and the kids in the same picture- it almost looks weird to me.  Granted, we are living in a world very different from previous generations, but that does not excuse us as fathers from our parental duties. Despite our current situation or circumstances, we still have the one constant that will always remain- a God who is able to save, lead, and bless those who cry out to Him.

I want to give you some encouragement today, Dad. As I pointed out in the final chapter of my book, the way we began in life is not nearly as important as the way we finish. If the examples I mentioned above shook you in a not-so-great way but you know that you can do better when it comes to being there for your kids, then we need to look no further than to the only One capable of leading us. Jesus never did anything without speaking with the Father first. He was constantly communicating, LISTENING (something we tend to fall short in- can I get an “Amen”, girls?), and remained obedient to God’s will. Stay connected to the Lord in your personal relationship with Christ- everything else will flow from there. It is in those times when we see life as He sees it: not trivial and to be taken for granted; but cherished and grateful for every minute we have that we are able to grow and flourish as the fathers we were always meant to be. Then use that momentum and carry it into your relationship with your son or daughter and give them the very best of yourself. Grasp onto and hold tight to the times or moments that so many parents overlook, times that will ultimately make the biggest difference in our kids’ lives when we are long gone.

 A father is respected because he gives his children leadership…appreciated because he gives his children care…valued because he gives his children time…loved because he gives his children the one thing they treasure the most- himself. -Unknown

Rejection and the Resurrection

“The stone which the builders rejected has become the chief cornerstone.”  -1Pet 2:7 (NKJV)

No one knew rejection and heartache like Jesus. Think of it: the King of the universe was betrayed and eventually killed by the very ones He created and loved. Even His closest friends here on earth didn’t always understand Him, and I’m sure that He felt very alone at times. Naturally, Jesus was always in constant communication with God. He sought comfort, guidance, and safety within the presence of His Father. Yet, He still had a job to do while He was alive, and that was to die so that the world may be saved through Him (John 3:17). In order for God’s perfect plan to be accomplished and to make it possible for there to be a resurrection and victory- death must come first. The same is true for our own lives. Many of us have experienced rejection in one form or another- more than likely the failure of a relationship if we are single parents.  In order for us to live out a “resurrection” of our lives and spirit and gain the victory that only comes through Christ, we should first look at what He faced.

If we study the crucifixion in the gospels, we find that Jesus was in fact rejected by many people in a variety of ways. He was rejected by two friends- Judas and Peter (Luke 22:21-23, 47-48, 54-62). He was rejected by one of the thieves next to Him on the cross (Luke 23:39); and the world (Luke 23:27-38).  He even seemed to have been rejected by God (Mark 14:32-36, 15:33-34).   How many times in our own lives has someone we loved turned their back on us, albeit big or small? Have others hurled comments and slander at you throughout the time of distress- taunting you to change yourself or hurting you with words and actions?  Did God Himself seem to turn His face away and remain blind to your pain and suffering?  I assure you that the last part never has (nor ever will) happen.  Unfortunately, we cannot control the actions of others, and although they may seem to be acting ignorantly, we are called to endure and persevere in God’s love.  Does that make the pain any easier when we are in the middle of it?  Perhaps, but as the saying goes, “It may be Friday now, but Sunday is coming!”  Instead, we should be sure to surround ourselves with those that love us and care for our well being when we are in the fire (Jesus had multiple individuals who loved Him at the crucifixion) and allow them to “carry our cross” with us as we go along. 

Now, as I mentioned above- in order for there to be a resurrection, it must be preceded by death.  See, the story doesn’t end with Jesus breathing His last breath and everyone going home in tears. No!  Check out Luke 24:1-12 when the women went to visit Jesus’ tomb- only to discover Him gone and an angel sitting there to give them the good news!  Jesus said He would see them again, and that in order for the Scriptures to be fulfilled He must be crucified.  I am here today to pass this same good news on to you.  When everyone else seems to have abandoned you and all seems lost, God is always able to bring new life out of the ashes.  In fact, a resurrected life in Christ has the ability to bury the pain and shame of the past (1Cor 15:55, 57) permanently.  Better yet, it is often in times of the “new” life that Jesus speaks to us more clearly than ever before and our hearts are more receptive to His voice.  After He had appeared to the others on the road to Emmaus in Luke 24, one of the disciples said to his companion, “Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road and while He opened the Scriptures to us?” (Luke 24:32)  I’ll tell you what, when Jesus speaks to us, especially in the tough times, our hearts BURN with excitement! 

So no matter where you are in life right now- in the middle of a storm or standing on a mountaintop; whether you have been hurt and rejected by a loved one or you are sharing the Good News of redemption with someone else- know that if indeed you are a follower of Jesus Christ that Sunday is already here and we have a King to help us rise above!

“For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world- our faith. Who is he who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?”

-1John 5:4-5 (NKJV)

Being the Example

Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity. -1Tim 4:12 (NKJV)

Paul admonishes Timothy with these words, entrusting him with leadership over the churches of Thessalonica, Corinth, and Macedonia.  As Christian fathers, we have the same charge put on us to model Jesus to our children first, and then to other believers.  Make no mistake, every one of these areas is challenged daily, but we should never allow falling short to hinder us from pressing forward.  I did not grow up in a Christian home or with strong role models in my parents.  They were not necessarily bad parents, but I was never provided the foundation that I would need to help me weather the onslaught of worldly temptations I would encounter later in life.  Every one of the examples Paul lists should be a priority for we dads to ensure a strong walk with the Lord ourselves, and to prepare our kids and other believers for the same. 

In word

I really do not have to go into a lengthy debate over how society has completely decayed in the way we speak to one another. Music, TV shows, and social media have enough filth in them to make you want to try to scrub yourself clean for weeks.  Toxic influences such as racism, swearing, and degradation of women flood the invisible airwaves- infecting every ear and mind within their reach. It is for this very reason that we must discipline ourselves to go against the grain and speak words of life instead.  Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but only what is good for the grace and edification of others.” Words are extremely powerful, so let’s choose them wisely. 

In conduct

In my book A Father’s Walk: A Christian-Based Resource for Single Fathers, I mention several times of how our children are always watching us and that they will imitate what they see, good or bad. If we desire to raise godly sons and daughters, then it begins with our behavior matching up with God’s Word.  Paul tells us in 1Corinthians 11:1 to “Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ”.  Plus, we all know that many nonbelievers are always looking for ways to slam Christians. Let’s not give them a reason to do so. In fact, I bet we will draw others closer to Jesus if we truly act as He did- because Jesus is irresistible like that.  Take inventory of the behavior you display daily. Does it match up with the Word? If so, great! If not, there is no time like the present to begin the reformation process. 

In love

This one should go without saying for followers of Christ. As single dads, I believe our love for our children is magnified even greater simply because we are not able to have them all of the time. Now, I am not saying that you married parents or full-custodial dads do not love your kids. I am simply speaking from the aspect of someone who is not able to see his daughter whenever he wants; and my heart aches when she is away from me. Once we tap into that unconditional love God has for us and we really grab the magnitude of the price that was paid to buy us back, His love naturally carries over into other areas of our lives. Jesus confirms this in John 15:12-13 and John does the same in his letter 1John 3:16.   

In Spirit

At the time of this writing, we are studying the book of Acts in our single dad small group. What better way is there to learn how to tap into the power of the Holy Spirit and model it to the world than Acts?  This past week I was discussing with the dads topics such as preparing our children for the world ahead of them, our pre-appointed time in life, and spiritual warfare.  The world is rapidly falling apart when it comes to family structure, values, and overall morals.  I believe God has put each one of us at this point in history for a certain reason, that we each possess a spiritual gift to influence the world for Christ and pass on to the next generation.  Could it be that our children possess even greater gifts than we do for the challenges they will be facing?  Our job as fathers is to help them unlock those gifts and equip them for adulthood.  “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you…” (Acts 1:8)  When we tap into the true power of the Holy Spirit, we equip ourselves and anyone else around us to become not only overcomers in the world, but weapons for the Kingdom of God too!

In Faith

Single parenthood will definitely stretch you when it comes to times of trusting God. Perhaps the financial ends are not meeting and only a blessing from above can help you get through the week? Or maybe times are really tough overall right now and you find yourself more desperate for God than ever- clinging to the word faith in every sense. Whatever the case may be, faith is what sustains us when all else fails. It is in these times, though, that God can often do His best work in us- if we are willing to be teachable. How do you model your complete trust in the Lord to your children? Hebrews 11:6 tells us that without faith it is impossible to please God, but then the verse reminds us that God sustains those who DILLEGENTLY seek Him- not just when our backs are up against the wall.  I encourage you to begin letting go of any fear or anxiety (big or small) that you are still holding on to. Trust God to fill in the gaps where we cannot. 

In Purity

I have a daughter who is about to turn seven. Words like “purity” are beginning to take on a whole new meaning nowadays.  She has even asked me several times lately, “How can you be my dad if you and mom were never married?”  Sigh…every father’s dream, huh?  Actually, I am not too worried about that upcoming discussion because it is another opportunity for me to show humility to my daughter and to teach her from my mistakes so that she does not repeat the same.  Generational sin is very real- but so is the favor and blessing God pours upon those who love Him and keep His commandments (Deut 7:9).  I cannot go back on what I did; but I can correct myself in the eyes of my daughter and model a life now that exemplifies purity in all areas of my life.  Going back to my beginning points on modeling godly words and behavior to our children- the world is not doing us any favors when it comes to being stewards of our bodies, minds, and tongues for God’s purposes.  Be careful how you live.  That does not mean sneak around and not let your kids find out what you’re doing.  No.  Live a life that strives for daily crucifixion of the flesh and help invest the same in your kids as well.  Trust me; it will only save them from pain and heartache years down the line if you do. 

Men, the role of a single father is not easy; and being a Christian single father only seems to add to the weight sometimes.  It may seem unobtainable- handling the everyday pressures of single parenthood and not resorting back to our flesh when we want to; but our strength and faith comes from a supernatural power that is unstoppable and incorruptible.  God has given you all you need to fight these battles, but we must continue to sharpen ourselves as well.  Know that you CAN be the example your children and the world need to see for the cause of Christ, because we are already sold out to the One who is the ultimate example! 

Seeing Through the Obstructions

Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.–Psalm 73:25-26 (NKJV)

I am in a season right now of being molded and spiritual growth. I am not saying this is a bad thing, but I really feel the Lord working on me in multiple areas. I woke up the other morning with a spiritual heaviness over me.  I just feel like there is a lot of “stuff” that is trying to block my view of Jesus. It feels as if I am in a jungle that is extremely thick with vegetation and that I must constantly pull back all of the obstructions to see the next step in front of me.  The cool part, though, is that I know God is right in front of me.  I have felt His presence over me the past couple weeks; and definitely feel Him speaking to me (and especially my character) in several key areas necessary for growth.  You see, as we grow in our walk with the Lord, spiritual maturity should be a natural part of our walk. Unfortunately many people miss this, but anyone who is constantly searching the Scriptures for answers to life’s curve balls will more than likely progress in a positive manner. 

Here are a few quick tips of how to remain in the Spirit and not get overwhelmed when we cannot see the next step.

1.     Remain submitted to God’s sovereignty no matter what

One thing we learn as believers is that when we attempt to take our matters and circumstances into our own hands, the results are usually mediocre at best. Yes we know that we walk by faith and not sight, just be sure that does not become cliché in your life.  In other words, do not bail on your faith when it gets down to crunch time concerning something. Even if the result does not align with what you had hoped or expected, God is probably working on something much greater for you. Robert Morris once said, “Big destinies require big character.”  Basically, the more you believe the Lord has in store for you, the more He will require from you. Our job is to keep walking and allow Him to guide our steps (Prov 16:9).

2.     Allow yourself to be teachable

This is something I have struggled with for many years. I am a very dominant person in the sense of I like to take the reins and lead whenever possible. I believe God gave me this quality for His purpose for my life; but just like any gift, if it is misused it can be very counterproductive.  I am a huge advocate for quiet time with the Lord. In my book A Father’s Walk: A Christian-Based Resource for Single Fathers I must have emphasized the importance of quiet time (Scripture reading, praying, and being “still”) at least a half dozen times. Why? Simple: God’s ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts (see Isaiah 55:9-11).  Once I began to quit talking so much and listen for the Lord’s voice, I began to grow tremendously. Trust me, it is still hard; but as I gain the knowledge of what it truly means to die to self daily, I become a bit more teachable with each passing day and my relationship with Jesus is blessed naturally. 

3.     Learn from previous mistakes

The words above pretty much sum up the rest of this blog. When we encounter common struggles such as finances, stress, and difficult people and keep drawing near to God along the way, we flourish.  In Psalm 73:28 the psalmist reminds us, “It is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord…”  Above all, we must remember to never take our eyes off of the Cross.  Peter learned this in the example of him and Jesus out on the water.  It is only when we keep our eyes on God and look through our obstructions that we are able to overcome once and for all as opposed to a band aid solution. David knew this when he faced Goliath. He knew there was absolutely no way he could defeat the giant. Yet, he did not focus on his enemy…he saw past him and trusted God for the victory (1Sam 17:45-47).

 

So, to say that I am being stretched, tested, and taught right now is not an exaggeration.  In fact, I can see a lot of things God is putting me through currently to teach me the character growth that I so desperately need to lead others.  What road does He have you on at this moment? Are you cruising down the grace highway and all roads seem to be clear? I pray they are; but be on guard for those sudden roadblocks Satan loves to throw along the way. Or, perhaps you are like me and seem to be in a season of disarray or spiritual blindness.  Do not fret if this is so.  Just be sure that you are using this as an opportunity to grow instead of wandering around lost.  When we keep our hearts and minds set on God, then we are able to walk blindly- because He has us completely in His grip. 

I will bring the blind by a way they did not know;
I will lead them in paths they have not known.
I will make darkness light before them,
And crooked places straight.
These things I will do for them,
And not forsake them. –Isaiah 42:16 (NKJV)