Stepping Up to the Plate

Our third guest blogger this month is my good friend Robyn Besemann of Robyn B Ministries. Robyn has a passion for ministry, including single parent homes. Her radio show "Chained No More" is taking off in a God-sized way and helping to get the message of hope and healing through the Gospel out there. For more information and to download her podcasts, please visit http://www.toginetradio.com/shows/chainednomore.

Are you a single dad?  Do you know men who are single dads?  According to the most recent statistics, at least 24% of single parent households are led by single dads.  That is a huge increase from 1960, when only 1% of all families were led by single dads.

Some contributing factors for the increase in single father households are:


Marked increase in non-marital births main reason for increase in single father households.


Changes in legal system: more opportunities for fathers to gain at least partial custody of the children.


Role of fathers has ‘evolved’.  Fathers used to be looked at merely as the “breadwinner”, but now fathers are being viewed more as a caregiver for the following reasons:

• Public believes that a father’s role is to provide values in children
• Emotional support
• Discipline
• Income support
  Men can be single dads for a variety of reasons, including divorce, separation, death, military deployment of spouse, etc.
• It used to be thought that mothers should be the only one who should have the kids and that fathers were unable to raise children themselves.  There are millions of children and many more adult children who live or lived in fatherless homes and the statistics show a huge impact on our society. Just one is that about 85% of people in prison lived in fatherless homes.  That  is staggering to me.
  Many times, kids have no connection with their dads at all because of the divorce battle between their parents.  Many don’t have a connection because the dad and mom were not married and dad leaves the home and moves on or the mom forced him out.  Many dads are not safe people and have been overtaken by drugs/alcohol, so the children cannot be with them at all.  Wow!  How far we have come from “Father Knows Best”, huh?
  Single dads, I would encourage you to do your best to connect with your kids and do what you can to keep your divorce battle away from them.  Your kids need you.  They need your love, your attention, your time, your advice, your guidance and they need to know that their dad values them.  Step up to the plate, Dads.  Money is secondary to the important things you can teach them about life.
  If you struggle with addictions, find a way to beat them, for the sake of your kids.  If you are in a divorce battle or can’t get along with their mom, take the high road and find a way, for the sake of your kids. If your anger is keeping you away, get some help, for the sake of your kids.  If you are struggling financially and don’t want to pay one more dollar to support them, look into the eyes of your kids and find a way to work something out, for the sake of your kids.  Take the high road, Dads!  Whether you had a great father or not, step up to the plate and be the father your kids need and deserve.  FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR KIDS!!
  Single moms, if you have kept your kids away from their dad or have spoken ill of him, step up to the plate and find a way to put  your own hurt aside, for the sake of your kids.  If he is safe, allow them to have a relationship with him.  Children need a father AND a mother in their lives and they need each for different purposes.  They also need to know where they belong so they don’t have to wander in life trying to fill that void.
  “Honor your father and your mother…”  Matthew 15:4  Dads and moms, become the parents you should be so your kids can obey the Lord and honor you, for the sake of your kids.

Single Parents and Where Do SMART Single Dads Fit In?

Our second guest blogger for the month of August is my good friend James Cruise. James is an amazing man of God, husband, father, and author. His story will surely touch your heart, as will his ministry. For more information please visit http://www.jamescruise.com/.

Do you have a GPS? Of course you do. All smart phones do! Did you notice I said SMART phone.
In order for you to be a SMART single dad and to get where you want to go you must first know where you are at this very moment. Not where you were 30 minutes ago. Not where you were a week ago or a year ago. But right now. You put in your "NOW Location" and your "TO BE Location" and click start. And wa-lah! Your GPS takes you to your wanted location.


I want this article to be your GPS for all you single dads out there. All SMART single dads must know the lay of the land and where they fit in among all the different types of single dads.
I was a single parent dad for over 15 years after my wife died in an automobile accident. I raised my three children from ages five, nine and eleven. Two sons and a daughter. They are now 26, 31 and 33. Between them I have three grandchildren. I am now married to a lovely lady and I have three stepchildren and four step grandchildren. I have been where you are as a single parent dad. I have been there, done that and worn that single dad t-shirt that you are now wearing. It’s not where I wanted to be, but it is where I was. I am sure it’s not where you planned to be or want to be. It’s just where you now are…


Well here we go, entering single dad’s "NOW Location".


Over 15 million single parents


Over 2.5 million single dads


1 out of 6 single parents are single dads


50% of first marriages end in divorce


60% of second marriages end in divorce


65% of second marriages with children end in divorce


70% of third marriages end in divorce


80% of co-habitors that marry divorce


41% of families in U.S. are single parent led


52% of families in my state of Mississippi are single parent led


66% of families in Atlanta, GA are single parent led


39 million children of single parents are unchurched


40% of marriages are second marriages


80% of children over 18 yrs. will leave the church


6.5 million Grandparents are raising grandchildren


60% of babies born are to unwed moms (thus also single dads)


The average marriage lasts 5 years in U.S.


The average time between marriages is 3.5 years in U.S.


75% of all children under age 18 in the U.S. will spend at least some time in a single parent


household

Of children living with one parent:

· 38% live with a divorced parent


· 35% live with a never-married parent


· 19% with a separated parent


· 4% with a widowed parent


· 4% with a parent whose spouse lives elsewhere


As a single parent you’re definitely not alone – not with over 15 million of you out there. You all face similar challenges. Each year the percentage of single parent household’s continues to grow. As you can see single-parent families are a diverse and ever growing segment of our social fabric and not uncommon at all, anymore.


Arriving at your "TO BE Location".


Your "TO BE Location" is to be the best single dad to your children you can possibly be.


As a single parent dad I wanted to be the very best dad to my children I could. I hope your goal, no matter how you became a single dad, is the same as mine was. Our children are not really ours. They are a gift from God. Given in trust to us to raise and train as they grow and mature.
No matter your situation or your physical location to your children, you are called to "Man-up", "Put on your big boy pants", "be a real man" and a "real dad" to your children. A real dad is not a perfect dad, but an involved dad. My life as a single dad was a juggling act. Jugglers drop things, and so did I. So will you. No big deal. Just stay as involved as you can possibly be with your children in your particular situation. No excuses, just finding ways to stay active in your children’s lives.


I just got back from a long trip to Pensacola. Yep, used my GPS. Knew where I was when I started and knew where I wanted to end up. Had a few rough stretches, almost made a wrong turn or two. Had to adjust on the fly. Arrived safe and sound at my "TO BE Location – my oldest son’s home". Yep – I’m still trying to be the best, most involved dad I can be.
My hope and prayer for you is that you will reap the many, many rewards that come with being the best single parent dad you can be. Love them, hug them and stay involved in your children’s lives. That is what real life is all about.


"When I am old and gray, judge me as a father by the number of times I said, "I love you," and how often I was able to say, "I’m sorry." -Richard Zmuda




Learn more about James Cruise at James Cruise Ministries


www.jamescruise.com

Becoming Fathers

It's time for our annual "Guest Blogger Month"! Once again we have some amazing authors and ministry leaders from all over the nation sharing their wisdom and hearts when it comes to single parenting and fatherhood. Leading off this week is my good friend Misty Honnold of The Single Mom KC. For more information on Misty and the ministry, please visit http://www.thesinglemomkc.org/.

I was moved to tears today as I read Paul’s words to Timothy:  “To Timothy, my true child in the faith”. I began to wonder if I was able to say this about any of the young men or women in my life “my true child in the faith”.  Was I even able to make that bold confession about my own children?  I realized it was time for a heart check and see if I was living as the parent I was created to be. Revealing the love of the Father to my children and those around me.

 

Somewhere I have seemed to drift off the path of purpose. I have become busy with ministry, launching my children well and I have somehow forgotten that I am a mother, one who carries the heart of the Father and this passage jolted me awake.

 

I have to pause and ask:  As a mother am I living my life in a way that I want sons and daughters to emulate? Am I raising up children in the faith to know and love Jesus?

 

Our greatest goal in life should be the same as that of Jesus…to show a hurting world the extravagant, sacrificial love of the Father. Are we succeeding? Or are our lives too busy? Are we filled with anger, unforgiveness and sadness to the point that we are unable to show our children this abandon love that the Father displays through His Son Jesus?

 

Paul unashamedly told his disciples and the church to follow in his footsteps,

1 Corinthians 11: 1

Pattern yourselves after me (follow my example) as I imitate and follow Christ.

 

Philippians 3:17

Brethren, together follow my example and observe those who live after the pattern we have set for you.

 

1 Corinthians 4:15-16

You should have ten thousand teachers (guides to direct you) in Christ, yet you do not have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus…So I urge and implore you, be imitators of me.

 

There is something profound in the reality that we as parents should be ‘imploring’ our children to follow our example.

 

When I first happened on to verses like these, I wanted to run and hide. I did not feel adequate to lead my own children, let alone others. But as Paul so quickly points out…follow me as I follow Christ.  If I am not following Christ, walking the way He walked I should not want my children or others to follow me.

 

What do the steps of following Christ look like?

 

ASK

First we have to BELIEVE with are heart and SAY with our mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord. Yes we have to accept what He did on the cross to save us and ASK for His forgiveness so that we enter into the family of God. 

 

Have you ASKED Him to forgive you of your sins and to be Lord of your life?

 

SEEK

The next thing we should do if we truly want to be fathers and mothers, is begin to look at how Jesus lived. Open your bible and study how the Father displays Himself through the man Jesus.  Jesus is the “exact representation of God the Father” (Hebrews 1:3)

When Philip said “show us the Father,” I believe that Jesus, with tears brimming over replied, “Have I been so long with you, and yet you have not come to know Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father”.  (John 14:8-9)

 

Therefore, if we want our children to know the Father and to know His voice, we must be willing to SEEK the knowledge of the Father and get to know Him, so that we can lead our children to Him…and Jesus shows us who He is.

 

So SEEK the Father by studying the Son.   

 

KNOCK

And don’t stop with seeking who the Father is, what He is like and how He loves…KNOCK on the doors of heaven in the place of prayer. His promise is that the doors will be open. We have access to freedom from old patterns of behavior, we have freedom from bitterness and anger; we have freedom from fits of rage, depression, and abuse. Yes, this freedom is ours, given freely by God but we must knock on the doors of heaven and as the doors open walk into those places of freedom.

 

Let’s commit together to show the Father to our sons and daughters. Let’s raise up a generation of men and women who know the Father’s voice and live out the “plans He has for them” (Jeremiah 29:11)

August is Guest Blogger Month!

Once again, we will be featuring a great lineup of writers from around the nation for our annual August guest blogger month. This year's lineup includes:


Robyn Besemann of Robyn B Ministries


James Cruise of James Cruise Ministries


Misty Honnold of The Single Mom KC


And a representative from the National Coalition of Men's Ministries (NCMM)


Until then, we are on a sabbatical for the month of July and will return next month!

The Love-Hate List of a Single Father

Here is a repeat of a blog I wrote last year, updated just a touch since then:

Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name. –Hebrews 13:15 (NKJV)

            I recently read a post by fellow Christian author Elisabeth Klein entitled What I Hate & Love about Being Divorced. In short, Elisabeth compiled a brief, yet fully packed, list of the pro’s and con’s (as she points out─ the “love” portion is used loosely in regards to being divorced) of living as a divorced and single mother. Well, I’ve had “one of those weeks” myself when it comes to co-parenting, finances, work overload, and trying to keep it all together as a leader and a father. Thus, Elisabeth’s post sparked a thought of my own as to what I could consider the things I love and hate (I prefer “dislike”) about being a single dad. So, here goes:

Dislikes:

*Not seeing my daughter every day

*Not being able to just pick up the phone and call her any time I want

*She doesn’t have my last name

*Mom treats me like a second-class citizen rather than as our daughter’s father

*I feel like she thinks the rules (court order) don’t apply to her

*My daughter calls both me AND her step father “Dad”

*The generally accepted (and often validated) idea that dads get the short end in custody and divorce cases, no matter how “fit and willing” they may be

*I support my daughter’s relationship with her mom and stepdad, but I don’t think it goes both ways

*Even though I have it rough occasionally, I often see other single dads go through worse

*The anxiety of having to deal with nonsense and illogic, and how it seems to creep up out of nowhere sometimes

*I need to go through my daughter’s teacher just to be filled in on school stuff

*I have to call the doctor’s office to find out when the next appointment is

*The fact that I sometimes allow the busyness of life affect my precious time with my daughter

*Trying to co-parent through texts and emails as opposed to talking civilly face to face

*Saying goodbye to my daughter after a concert or game…as she goes one way and I go the other

*Not knowing if I will ever be able to have more kids, because I’m not sure if I will ever be married

*(This can apply for any unequally yoked relationship): Staying in the Spirit and holding to a higher standard when dealing with others who don’t operate on the same level as we do

*Holidays or weekends with no significant other…especially when I don’t have my daughter on those days either

*Not seeing my daughter every holiday or birthday

*Wishing I had “known what I know now” so I hadn’t put myself or her in this situation

Love:

*Being a Dad is one of the greatest gifts EVER!

*I am active and completely involved in my daughter’s life

*Despite her having to share her with a stepdad I don’t know very well, our relationship keeps growing stronger and stronger and I cherish my role as her father

*(Tailing off the above comment): When we are lying in bed at night and she says in her adorable little voice, “Did you know you’re the best daddy in the whole world?”

*Through Christ, I have been able to overcome and/or deal with some of the trials listed above

*I know a good portion of how she will view herself as an adult comes through my relationship with her now

*Me being active in her schooling will only reap positive results

*When we are walking through a parking lot and her little hand reaches up to hold mine

*When I do have her, I make the time count (to the best of my ability)

*I still get to do all of the “Dad things”: Rough-housing, playing, conferences, homework, concerts and games, movies, daddy/daughter “date nights” (an especially valued benefit), paint her room, show her how to do certain tasks, etc…

*God has given me the heart and ability to lead other single fathers in Christ

*I realize being a Dad is FOR LIFE…not just ‘til she’s 18

*I get to take my daughter to church on the weekends I have her

*I get to pray with her each time we are together

*Watching her grow through all the different phases of life; and the fact I appreciate it all

*Though I may stumble as a dad, I know I won’t ever fall…because my Father is perfect, and He is all I need to lead her

*Realizing that she doesn’t belong to me….I just get to steward her for greater purposes

*I believe being a dad is included in Jesus’ promise of “life abundantly” in John 10:10

*I have witnessed how God has changed the lineage of generational curses I came from and transformed it into generational blessings that is now being passed into my daughter

*She gave her life to Christ at age 6! (Note the above point)

            I know this may not sit right with our egos fellas, but check this out: When the going gets tough, the “tough” need to hit their knees and go straight to God. That may not be in the Bible, but it IS scriptural! Hold fast to His promises in your life today and be sure to thank Him daily for the blessings He constantly bestows on each one of us.

Blessed be the Lord, who daily loads us with benefits… -Psalm 68:19

Why Single Fathers Matter

According to the Pew Research Center, there were approximately 300,000 single father households in 1960; today there are around 2.6 million. Still, this only accounts for 17% of all custodial parents in single parent homes. If we really want to broaden the spectrum, we can make a strong case that a “single father” is any man who is involved or wants to be involved in his children’s lives. Case and point: in our latest YouTube video you may notice none of the dads in the video were ever married and none are the custodial parent. But that doesn’t rule them out as the father, does it? Not at all! Without taking away from the amazing men who are already parenting as a one-man team, this approach greatly expands the mission field and our ability to relate with more dads- whether or not he is the custodial parent.

Research around the globe is consistent: when fathers are involved in the lives of their children (full or part-time), those children overall perform significantly better cognitively, emotionally, socially, and academically than those without involved dads. As we here at A Father’s Walk have said time and time again: If we want to stop the bleeding in this nation when it comes to crime, teen pregnancy and suicide, substance abuse, divorce, and so on…then we MUST get to the dads! Over the years our small group has seen men who have risen above and beyond as fathers despite overwhelming obstacles: everything from terminal diseases to felonies; but now are thriving as parents and spiritual leaders. There is a story of one single dad who joined the group before he even became a father- because he wanted to be prepared when his daughter was born! Today, that dad is just like a sponge: soaking up every bit of information he can on how to grow as a man and as a father. Others have voluntarily checked themselves into rehab to help overcome addictions; continued to support their children’s relationship with their mom- despite her leaving the family; and so on. Simply put, these single dads are doing what is necessary for the overall benefit of their families. Oh, if only ALL dads could rise like some of these men have!

It is with great encouragement this Father’s Day that we can recognize and celebrate such men. Jesus tells us in John 15:13 that “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (NASB) In a nation that is still experiencing the heartache and devastation of fatherlessness, we can rejoice and praise the Lord for fathers who do lay down their lives for their children’s sake. Single parenthood is still on the rise, but there is hope ahead. Organizations, churches, neighborhoods across the nation (and even the media) are really beginning to shine a positive light on fatherhood. The Fatherhood CoMission (of which AFW is a part of) has a new campaign entitled “Honor Your Father”. Their website www.honoryourfathertoday.com has plenty of tremendous resources to assist all of us to honor our own dads, honor fatherhood, and to grow as fathers ourselves. The Bible tells us in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”. (NASB)  God has put a very specific admonishment on dads as the spiritual leaders of their families. Single fathers are no exception to this and our children need this sort of godly influence like never before. This Father’s Day, we encourage you to celebrate the men who are answering the Lord’s call to raise their children in Christ. Even if that isn’t immediately evident in the life of a single dad you may know, then now is a great opportunity to introduce the saving grace of Jesus into his life. Remember, look for the potential, not the flaws. When we begin to view single fathers as the priceless investments that they are, we catch another glimpse of how God works through the most difficult of circumstances to fulfill some of His greatest testimonies.

Ice Cream and Adjustments: Balancing Good Health

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. -3John2

From the supernatural to the natural, we should always be mindful to be good stewards of our bodies (1Cor 3:16, 6:19-20). I was a personal trainer for about five years and I have seen firsthand the positive effects a balanced diet and regular exercise can produce. Mind you, this was back in my younger years- before I became a father myself and when my schedule could still be classified as “moderate” as far as busyness goes. I often had clients tell me tales of how hard it was to eat healthy on the fly and that they would munch on their children’s snack foods simply because it was in the house. Excuses, excuses! I would think to myself, justifying they needed to be more disciplined and get serious about their training. Although there is SOME truth to that, how quickly I experienced all of the above once I became a father myself! It’s rather humorous now: my daughter will come over for a weekend and we will pick up some ice cream on Friday evening. Typically we don’t finish it all before it is time for her to go back to her mom’s on Sunday. She always asks me to save her some until she comes back Tuesday afternoon. I usually give her some sort of goofy reply such as, “I will try, but I can’t guarantee it will be here by then”…followed by a big grin and a wink.

Ice cream and kidding aside, we do need to be mindful of our physical health. I am a huge advocate for regular exercise and a healthy diet; plus the stewardship of our musculoskeletal and immune systems. This past week I was very blessed to receive an email from Dr. Paul Kaminski of Kaminski Chiropractic here in Grand Rapids, MI. Dr. Paul has a fairly new practice in our area and as a way of making a strong impact in our community he will be making a generous donation to A Father’s Walk for each new client he sees the entire month of June! If you are looking for a professional and community-minded source for pediatric development and adult wellness, then please give Dr. Paul a call today and set up your first appointment. Even if you live outside of the greater Grand Rapids area, please be sure to take care of your body for you and your children’s sake. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is ourselves; and the healthier we are overall the greater quality of life we will be able to experience with them. And that, guys, is something to get excited about…even more than ice cream!