August is Guest Blogger Month!

Once again, we will be featuring a great lineup of writers from around the nation for our annual August guest blogger month. This year's lineup includes:


Robyn Besemann of Robyn B Ministries


James Cruise of James Cruise Ministries


Misty Honnold of The Single Mom KC


And a representative from the National Coalition of Men's Ministries (NCMM)


Until then, we are on a sabbatical for the month of July and will return next month!

The Love-Hate List of a Single Father

Here is a repeat of a blog I wrote last year, updated just a touch since then:

Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name. –Hebrews 13:15 (NKJV)

            I recently read a post by fellow Christian author Elisabeth Klein entitled What I Hate & Love about Being Divorced. In short, Elisabeth compiled a brief, yet fully packed, list of the pro’s and con’s (as she points out─ the “love” portion is used loosely in regards to being divorced) of living as a divorced and single mother. Well, I’ve had “one of those weeks” myself when it comes to co-parenting, finances, work overload, and trying to keep it all together as a leader and a father. Thus, Elisabeth’s post sparked a thought of my own as to what I could consider the things I love and hate (I prefer “dislike”) about being a single dad. So, here goes:

Dislikes:

*Not seeing my daughter every day

*Not being able to just pick up the phone and call her any time I want

*She doesn’t have my last name

*Mom treats me like a second-class citizen rather than as our daughter’s father

*I feel like she thinks the rules (court order) don’t apply to her

*My daughter calls both me AND her step father “Dad”

*The generally accepted (and often validated) idea that dads get the short end in custody and divorce cases, no matter how “fit and willing” they may be

*I support my daughter’s relationship with her mom and stepdad, but I don’t think it goes both ways

*Even though I have it rough occasionally, I often see other single dads go through worse

*The anxiety of having to deal with nonsense and illogic, and how it seems to creep up out of nowhere sometimes

*I need to go through my daughter’s teacher just to be filled in on school stuff

*I have to call the doctor’s office to find out when the next appointment is

*The fact that I sometimes allow the busyness of life affect my precious time with my daughter

*Trying to co-parent through texts and emails as opposed to talking civilly face to face

*Saying goodbye to my daughter after a concert or game…as she goes one way and I go the other

*Not knowing if I will ever be able to have more kids, because I’m not sure if I will ever be married

*(This can apply for any unequally yoked relationship): Staying in the Spirit and holding to a higher standard when dealing with others who don’t operate on the same level as we do

*Holidays or weekends with no significant other…especially when I don’t have my daughter on those days either

*Not seeing my daughter every holiday or birthday

*Wishing I had “known what I know now” so I hadn’t put myself or her in this situation

Love:

*Being a Dad is one of the greatest gifts EVER!

*I am active and completely involved in my daughter’s life

*Despite her having to share her with a stepdad I don’t know very well, our relationship keeps growing stronger and stronger and I cherish my role as her father

*(Tailing off the above comment): When we are lying in bed at night and she says in her adorable little voice, “Did you know you’re the best daddy in the whole world?”

*Through Christ, I have been able to overcome and/or deal with some of the trials listed above

*I know a good portion of how she will view herself as an adult comes through my relationship with her now

*Me being active in her schooling will only reap positive results

*When we are walking through a parking lot and her little hand reaches up to hold mine

*When I do have her, I make the time count (to the best of my ability)

*I still get to do all of the “Dad things”: Rough-housing, playing, conferences, homework, concerts and games, movies, daddy/daughter “date nights” (an especially valued benefit), paint her room, show her how to do certain tasks, etc…

*God has given me the heart and ability to lead other single fathers in Christ

*I realize being a Dad is FOR LIFE…not just ‘til she’s 18

*I get to take my daughter to church on the weekends I have her

*I get to pray with her each time we are together

*Watching her grow through all the different phases of life; and the fact I appreciate it all

*Though I may stumble as a dad, I know I won’t ever fall…because my Father is perfect, and He is all I need to lead her

*Realizing that she doesn’t belong to me….I just get to steward her for greater purposes

*I believe being a dad is included in Jesus’ promise of “life abundantly” in John 10:10

*I have witnessed how God has changed the lineage of generational curses I came from and transformed it into generational blessings that is now being passed into my daughter

*She gave her life to Christ at age 6! (Note the above point)

            I know this may not sit right with our egos fellas, but check this out: When the going gets tough, the “tough” need to hit their knees and go straight to God. That may not be in the Bible, but it IS scriptural! Hold fast to His promises in your life today and be sure to thank Him daily for the blessings He constantly bestows on each one of us.

Blessed be the Lord, who daily loads us with benefits… -Psalm 68:19

Why Single Fathers Matter

According to the Pew Research Center, there were approximately 300,000 single father households in 1960; today there are around 2.6 million. Still, this only accounts for 17% of all custodial parents in single parent homes. If we really want to broaden the spectrum, we can make a strong case that a “single father” is any man who is involved or wants to be involved in his children’s lives. Case and point: in our latest YouTube video you may notice none of the dads in the video were ever married and none are the custodial parent. But that doesn’t rule them out as the father, does it? Not at all! Without taking away from the amazing men who are already parenting as a one-man team, this approach greatly expands the mission field and our ability to relate with more dads- whether or not he is the custodial parent.

Research around the globe is consistent: when fathers are involved in the lives of their children (full or part-time), those children overall perform significantly better cognitively, emotionally, socially, and academically than those without involved dads. As we here at A Father’s Walk have said time and time again: If we want to stop the bleeding in this nation when it comes to crime, teen pregnancy and suicide, substance abuse, divorce, and so on…then we MUST get to the dads! Over the years our small group has seen men who have risen above and beyond as fathers despite overwhelming obstacles: everything from terminal diseases to felonies; but now are thriving as parents and spiritual leaders. There is a story of one single dad who joined the group before he even became a father- because he wanted to be prepared when his daughter was born! Today, that dad is just like a sponge: soaking up every bit of information he can on how to grow as a man and as a father. Others have voluntarily checked themselves into rehab to help overcome addictions; continued to support their children’s relationship with their mom- despite her leaving the family; and so on. Simply put, these single dads are doing what is necessary for the overall benefit of their families. Oh, if only ALL dads could rise like some of these men have!

It is with great encouragement this Father’s Day that we can recognize and celebrate such men. Jesus tells us in John 15:13 that “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (NASB) In a nation that is still experiencing the heartache and devastation of fatherlessness, we can rejoice and praise the Lord for fathers who do lay down their lives for their children’s sake. Single parenthood is still on the rise, but there is hope ahead. Organizations, churches, neighborhoods across the nation (and even the media) are really beginning to shine a positive light on fatherhood. The Fatherhood CoMission (of which AFW is a part of) has a new campaign entitled “Honor Your Father”. Their website www.honoryourfathertoday.com has plenty of tremendous resources to assist all of us to honor our own dads, honor fatherhood, and to grow as fathers ourselves. The Bible tells us in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”. (NASB)  God has put a very specific admonishment on dads as the spiritual leaders of their families. Single fathers are no exception to this and our children need this sort of godly influence like never before. This Father’s Day, we encourage you to celebrate the men who are answering the Lord’s call to raise their children in Christ. Even if that isn’t immediately evident in the life of a single dad you may know, then now is a great opportunity to introduce the saving grace of Jesus into his life. Remember, look for the potential, not the flaws. When we begin to view single fathers as the priceless investments that they are, we catch another glimpse of how God works through the most difficult of circumstances to fulfill some of His greatest testimonies.

Ice Cream and Adjustments: Balancing Good Health

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. -3John2

From the supernatural to the natural, we should always be mindful to be good stewards of our bodies (1Cor 3:16, 6:19-20). I was a personal trainer for about five years and I have seen firsthand the positive effects a balanced diet and regular exercise can produce. Mind you, this was back in my younger years- before I became a father myself and when my schedule could still be classified as “moderate” as far as busyness goes. I often had clients tell me tales of how hard it was to eat healthy on the fly and that they would munch on their children’s snack foods simply because it was in the house. Excuses, excuses! I would think to myself, justifying they needed to be more disciplined and get serious about their training. Although there is SOME truth to that, how quickly I experienced all of the above once I became a father myself! It’s rather humorous now: my daughter will come over for a weekend and we will pick up some ice cream on Friday evening. Typically we don’t finish it all before it is time for her to go back to her mom’s on Sunday. She always asks me to save her some until she comes back Tuesday afternoon. I usually give her some sort of goofy reply such as, “I will try, but I can’t guarantee it will be here by then”…followed by a big grin and a wink.

Ice cream and kidding aside, we do need to be mindful of our physical health. I am a huge advocate for regular exercise and a healthy diet; plus the stewardship of our musculoskeletal and immune systems. This past week I was very blessed to receive an email from Dr. Paul Kaminski of Kaminski Chiropractic here in Grand Rapids, MI. Dr. Paul has a fairly new practice in our area and as a way of making a strong impact in our community he will be making a generous donation to A Father’s Walk for each new client he sees the entire month of June! If you are looking for a professional and community-minded source for pediatric development and adult wellness, then please give Dr. Paul a call today and set up your first appointment. Even if you live outside of the greater Grand Rapids area, please be sure to take care of your body for you and your children’s sake. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is ourselves; and the healthier we are overall the greater quality of life we will be able to experience with them. And that, guys, is something to get excited about…even more than ice cream!

Focus on Issues: The Daddy Gap

Please feel free to watch this 30 minute program on single parents, fatherless children, and organizations that are making a difference when it comes to ministering to these families. You can view the entire program here:

http://www.grcmc.org/grtv/node/8060/focus-on-issues---the-daddy-gap

How Single Dads Can Help Their Children Celebrate Mother's Day

I got to help my daughter celebrate Mother’s Day with her mom for about five years before she got married. Although I can’t put a finger on any specific gifts or cards we gave her, I know we always did something. Regardless of what sort of terms Mom and I were on any given year, I was fortunate enough to recognize the teaching moments these presented- to both my daughter and I.  

What we are teaching our children

One of my favorite fatherhood quotes is by Clarence B. Kelland. He said, “My father didn’t tell me how to live. He lived and let me watch him do it.” Our kids don’t always need to know what is going on between their mother and us; they just want to have fun and love on both of their parents equally. When we help them make Mom a card for Mother’s Day or go with them to pick out a gift (which is from them, but purchased with our money), we are teaching our sons the invaluable lesson of respecting women and we are telling our daughters (who usually end up marrying someone like their father) that they are worthy and should be treated as so. Most importantly, we are spending quality time and helping them to love their mom. I would say in most cases this is a win-win.

What we are teaching ourselves

I have no idea where you and your child’s mother stand as co-parents. Perhaps everything is civil and running smooth; or maybe you are about as far in the opposite direction as you can possibly be. Either way you have a great opportunity right before you to grow as a person and as a father. By engaging with your kids in something that you really don’t have to do is a great example of humility and kindness- neither of which we men should be ashamed of. Putting your personal feelings aside for the sake of your children is a portrayal of selflessness and unconditional love. You are saying to your kids, “I love you so much, and what is important to you is important to me, no matter what.” This is not a sign of weakness, but rather, one of tremendous strength!

What this means in the long run

The Bible tells us in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” You may not consider your ex a “friend” per say, but I bet you consider your son or daughter much more than that! Think of it in that regard: by dying to yourself in order to love your children more, you are setting an example of perfect love. 1John 4:19 says, “We love, because He first loved us.” When we can truly grasp the magnitude of how much God has done for us, then it only becomes natural for it to flow into other areas of our lives. Even if you are doing it just for them, helping your kids honor their mom this Mother’s Day will have a greater impact than you may know. When it’s all said and done, your children will have a great day and you will have grown as a father and as a role model- both of which this world desperately needs more of!

It isn’t the big pleasures that count the most; it is making a great deal out of the little ones. -Annonymous

Becasue He First Loved Us

As a dad, I’ve never known anything other than being a single father. My daughter’s mom and I were never married and once she got pregnant, things went south very quickly. Over nine years later not much has changed. Sure we have our seasons of peace, but they are few and far between; and my current circumstances have brought on new levels of frustration.

When she and I first met, I was not the man I am today. I was fresh off a decade-long run of hardcore drug and alcohol addiction. Having been raised in a home without a full-time dad myself, I found myself scraping and searching for answers to this new role of “fatherhood” that I had just entered into. As if that was not enough, there were multiple battles: legally in a courtroom, and verbally everywhere else. I had lost all sense of identity of who God had created me to be.

Through a series of events that began years earlier, I surrendered my life to Jesus when my daughter was about 8 months old. I was baptized a few months later and began the single father ministry the following year. Life had made a tremendous U-turn for me! When my daughter was almost two years old God gave me the courage and humility to talk on the subject of forgiveness with my daughter’s mom. I told her I forgave her for all the wrongs she had committed against me
and I asked for her forgiveness too. It was NOT well received!  

Which brings me to today. Having been a follower of Christ for over 8 years now, I still see some of the consequences of my actions from years ago still being played out, but I also have been given a foundation that cannot be shaken to stand on. 1Peter 4:8 tells us that “love covers a multitude of sins.” If you do a word study on the word “love” in that passage, you will find that it can refer to acts such as “good will”, “benevolence”, or “brotherly love”.  To show this sort of love to the other parent helps protect us from a “multitude of sins” in our own lives such as anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness.  

I don’t know where you are with this today, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, our job is not to “keep score” against the other parent (we surely don’t want God doing that with us!). Instead, we should allow Him to help us die to self so that we can pour it into others. They may not deserve it, but neither do we. Yet, the Bible tells us in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (NASB)  When we give Him total access to reign in our hearts and lives, the greater the fruit we will see revealed. I’m speaking from experience here and I know you can too. And believe me, even though many of the trials and frustrations may still linger, the overwhelming joy and peace that comes through our faith shatters through these temporary struggles and allows us to be the parents and Christians we were always created to be.

We love, because He first loved us. -1John 4:19 (NASB)

Originally posted on March 24, 2015 at http://thesinglemomkc.org/blog/because-he-first-loved-us/