Focus on Issues: The Daddy Gap

Please feel free to watch this 30 minute program on single parents, fatherless children, and organizations that are making a difference when it comes to ministering to these families. You can view the entire program here:

http://www.grcmc.org/grtv/node/8060/focus-on-issues---the-daddy-gap

How Single Dads Can Help Their Children Celebrate Mother's Day

I got to help my daughter celebrate Mother’s Day with her mom for about five years before she got married. Although I can’t put a finger on any specific gifts or cards we gave her, I know we always did something. Regardless of what sort of terms Mom and I were on any given year, I was fortunate enough to recognize the teaching moments these presented- to both my daughter and I.  

What we are teaching our children

One of my favorite fatherhood quotes is by Clarence B. Kelland. He said, “My father didn’t tell me how to live. He lived and let me watch him do it.” Our kids don’t always need to know what is going on between their mother and us; they just want to have fun and love on both of their parents equally. When we help them make Mom a card for Mother’s Day or go with them to pick out a gift (which is from them, but purchased with our money), we are teaching our sons the invaluable lesson of respecting women and we are telling our daughters (who usually end up marrying someone like their father) that they are worthy and should be treated as so. Most importantly, we are spending quality time and helping them to love their mom. I would say in most cases this is a win-win.

What we are teaching ourselves

I have no idea where you and your child’s mother stand as co-parents. Perhaps everything is civil and running smooth; or maybe you are about as far in the opposite direction as you can possibly be. Either way you have a great opportunity right before you to grow as a person and as a father. By engaging with your kids in something that you really don’t have to do is a great example of humility and kindness- neither of which we men should be ashamed of. Putting your personal feelings aside for the sake of your children is a portrayal of selflessness and unconditional love. You are saying to your kids, “I love you so much, and what is important to you is important to me, no matter what.” This is not a sign of weakness, but rather, one of tremendous strength!

What this means in the long run

The Bible tells us in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” You may not consider your ex a “friend” per say, but I bet you consider your son or daughter much more than that! Think of it in that regard: by dying to yourself in order to love your children more, you are setting an example of perfect love. 1John 4:19 says, “We love, because He first loved us.” When we can truly grasp the magnitude of how much God has done for us, then it only becomes natural for it to flow into other areas of our lives. Even if you are doing it just for them, helping your kids honor their mom this Mother’s Day will have a greater impact than you may know. When it’s all said and done, your children will have a great day and you will have grown as a father and as a role model- both of which this world desperately needs more of!

It isn’t the big pleasures that count the most; it is making a great deal out of the little ones. -Annonymous

Becasue He First Loved Us

As a dad, I’ve never known anything other than being a single father. My daughter’s mom and I were never married and once she got pregnant, things went south very quickly. Over nine years later not much has changed. Sure we have our seasons of peace, but they are few and far between; and my current circumstances have brought on new levels of frustration.

When she and I first met, I was not the man I am today. I was fresh off a decade-long run of hardcore drug and alcohol addiction. Having been raised in a home without a full-time dad myself, I found myself scraping and searching for answers to this new role of “fatherhood” that I had just entered into. As if that was not enough, there were multiple battles: legally in a courtroom, and verbally everywhere else. I had lost all sense of identity of who God had created me to be.

Through a series of events that began years earlier, I surrendered my life to Jesus when my daughter was about 8 months old. I was baptized a few months later and began the single father ministry the following year. Life had made a tremendous U-turn for me! When my daughter was almost two years old God gave me the courage and humility to talk on the subject of forgiveness with my daughter’s mom. I told her I forgave her for all the wrongs she had committed against me
and I asked for her forgiveness too. It was NOT well received!  

Which brings me to today. Having been a follower of Christ for over 8 years now, I still see some of the consequences of my actions from years ago still being played out, but I also have been given a foundation that cannot be shaken to stand on. 1Peter 4:8 tells us that “love covers a multitude of sins.” If you do a word study on the word “love” in that passage, you will find that it can refer to acts such as “good will”, “benevolence”, or “brotherly love”.  To show this sort of love to the other parent helps protect us from a “multitude of sins” in our own lives such as anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness.  

I don’t know where you are with this today, but if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, our job is not to “keep score” against the other parent (we surely don’t want God doing that with us!). Instead, we should allow Him to help us die to self so that we can pour it into others. They may not deserve it, but neither do we. Yet, the Bible tells us in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (NASB)  When we give Him total access to reign in our hearts and lives, the greater the fruit we will see revealed. I’m speaking from experience here and I know you can too. And believe me, even though many of the trials and frustrations may still linger, the overwhelming joy and peace that comes through our faith shatters through these temporary struggles and allows us to be the parents and Christians we were always created to be.

We love, because He first loved us. -1John 4:19 (NASB)

Originally posted on March 24, 2015 at http://thesinglemomkc.org/blog/because-he-first-loved-us/

How to Honor Your Not Honorable Parent

In a society where fatherlessness (or at least dads who aren’t stepping up to the plate) runs rampant, one thought must race through the minds of so many men and women out there: “How do you honor someone who isn’t honorable?” This is a question I’ve wrestled with myself over the years- both revealing the flesh side of anger and disappointment from my own upbringing; as well as the spiritual side of love and grace since I became a follower of Jesus. I have asked that question to a mentor of mine and gathered my own conclusions along the way. Here are a few brief thoughts on the matter:

Sometimes “honor” means not saying anything at all

We learn it early in life: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. The Bible consistently tells us that whether it is slander, gossip, or retaliation, that life and death are in the power of the tongue and the same mouth we use to bless God with should be used to build others up, not tear them down. Our words carry great power, so let’s choose them wisely.

Recognize the holidays

Father’s Day and perhaps some of the major holidays may not top (or even exist on) your list of “favorite things to do”, but again, to honor our fathers may mean making the sacrifice to attend a family function; or at least sending a gift or card with some kind words in it. Recognizing our dads during such occasions is also a great way to allow the Lord to work on us and soften our hearts along the way.

Allow God to heal the wounded areas

In our recently-published book The Daddy Gap I make the statement, “A wound will only become infected if it is left untreated.” In other words, failure to address our “father wounds” can become potentially hazardous to many areas of our lives such as our marriages and relationships with our own children. There is healing at the Cross, and Christ is the only one who can completely heal the damage our dads may have caused us.

In one way or another, our fathers have the ability to make us or break us as adults. Nevertheless, if they fell short and missed the mark, we are still commanded to honor them in a Biblical way. In doing so, our heavenly Father will be glorified and He will bless us with eternal gifts that even the greatest of dads down here could never provide his children.

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you. –Exodus 20:12 (NASB)

Parents, are you honoring your earthly father in a way that pleases the Lord?

Originally published at www.1corinthians13parenting.com on March 23, 2015

Single Parents: The Unsung Heroes of Today's Society

We now live in a world where terms such as "single parent" or "fatherlessness" blend into our vocabulary as easily as discussing the weather. TV shows glorify it and secular music practically encourages it. Yet all too often, single parenting is anything but glorious. With approximately 37% of all US households headed by a single parent (40% of those are considered "food insecure"), a crisis alarm has been sounded; but is it falling on deaf ears...or on the hands and feet of Christ?

Thirty-one years ago Ronald Reagan stated, "Before they are eighteen, about half of our Nation's children will have lived part of their lives with a single parent who strives to fill the role of both mother and father...Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim March 21, 1984, as National Single Parent Day. I call on the people of the United States to recognize the contributions single parents are making, sometimes under great hardships, to the lives of their children, and I ask that they volunteer their help, privately or through community organizations, to single parents who seek it to meet their aspirations for their children." (Proclamation 5166)

Single parents aren't always the deadbeat dads or welfare-addicted moms we may stereotype them out to be (For a better example, you can check out our new AFW YouTube video here). They are people who have either made some poor decisions in life or been the victim of someone else's choice- the same sort of broken individuals as the rest of us. Single parents frequently lay their own lives, desires, and resources down for the better of their children. They can be more resourceful than many of us could ever imagine, and despite overwhelming amounts of stress and exhaustion, still find time to serve and love others. Jesus tells us in John 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." (NASB)  I have seen a single dad in the worst of health give 110% just to build a room for his daughter; and a single mom give away her already limited resources to another who needed them more. It is examples such as these accompanied by the love and hope we have in Christ that I am inspired and humbled to work among such amazing men and women. I pray you are too and will reach out to help serve a single parent in your life.

New YouTube video

Here is our latest YouTube video. It's just under 7 minutes long but it gives you a good idea of who we are and what we do. Please watch and definitely share it around!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ngeR71Icsy8

Cold Call Jesus

 

 

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth. –Rev 3:15-16 (NASB)

This past week we had a meeting for the majority of staff and lay leaders of our church. Our lead pastor challenged us with many questions pertaining to evangelism within and outside of the church and how we can grow our ministries organically through it all. One of the questions he asked us was, “What is your personal outreach temperature right now?” Using a scale of 1 through 10 (1 cold, 10 on fire) we were asked to write down a realistic number of where we believed we each were personally. Once all the numbers were in we discovered our church leaders ranged from a 3 to an 8 on the scale; and where was the greatest number? Yup, right in the middle: a 5. Although this surely could be a lot worse, based on the verses above, I see this as a reason to be concerned. A church that has become too comfortable in their ministry is heading down Lukewarm Lane. Fortunately the entire purpose of the night was because our pastor has noticed this lately and is leading a church-wide initiative to change our evangelism “temperature”.

As the group was going through each question we took a few minutes to discuss at our tables why we are where we are at personally. Based on my previous experiences in sales, I looked at evangelism as similar to a “cold call” versus a “warm call”. A warm call is an appointment that has already been set up, or perhaps you already have a previously established relationship with an individual you are trying to work with. Either way there isn’t much risk; this form of sales generally falls into a “comfortable” visit. Cold calling takes a little more guts, unless you have the personality to do it in the first place. To walk into a new business, perhaps hostile to salesmen, and ask to speak to the boss can definitely raise the blood pressure a bit. Yet, the potential for new relationships and a greater reward surely awaits; and despite the outcome, we are made a bit bolder with each new endeavor.

There is nothing in the Bible that proves or tells us that sharing the Gospel is supposed to be comfortable or convenient (quite the opposite actually). Surely there is nothing wrong with telling your friends and faith family about all God has been doing in your life or providing them with a word of encouragement. But those are still “warm calls” and perhaps not reaching the lost and dying. Preaching on social media can be just as mediocre: putting it out there without the fear of face to face confrontation (online debates rarely ever go anywhere, fyi). Paul makes it clear in Romans 1:16 that being shameless in our witnessing has eternal implications, so why would we ever hold back?! I understand this may take some time to get used to, but there is no time like the present to start. Ask the Lord to reveal to you some witnessing opportunities that may be in front of you right now or to make known the next available chance. Start with raising your “outreach temperature” one degree at a time (unless He takes you further and faster). The outcome of our evangelism shouldn’t be our primary concern, obedience is.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L28WL-_vjU