Gently Correcting

“With gentleness correcting those who are in opposition…” -2Tim 2:25 (NASB)

What do you sometimes get when you combine two adults with a vast array of differences in opinions and children in between?  Answer: The never-ending, always-changing world of single and co-parenting.  As if being a single parent didn’t have its stressful times to begin with, there is always the possibility of some extra drama thrown in from the other side.  The danger lies in allowing our circumstances, and especially, our emotions hinder our better judgment.  Through it all, we are not to “keep score” of who did what and use it for leverage against the other parent.  As ambassadors for Christ and as godly role models for our kids, we must hold to a higher standard- knowing that those little eyes are always upon us. 

Correcting the Other Parent

As Christian parents, bringing our sons and daughters up in Christ is a top priority.  We accomplish this possibly through Christian or homeschooling, taking them to church with us, and an overall lifestyle that honors God.  What happens when this is not being taught in the other parent’s home?  What if mom or dad does not buy into the whole church thing?  Or what if they don’t really care for God in the first place, perhaps even preaching other religions, beliefs, and activities?  How do we react, and if possible, correct the other parent all while maintaining that higher standard we mentioned?  I believe this happens more often than we think, and I’ve not only seen it- I have lived it.  As with any other trial in life, we must look to God’s Word for the answers. 

Romans 12 is full with verses that carry tremendous weight in dealing with this situation. 

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good...Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.”  -Rom 12:9, 11 (NIV)

 

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse…Live in harmony with one another…” –Rom 12:14, 16 (NIV)

 

“Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men…Never take your own revenge…’Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord…Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” –Rom 12:17, 19, 21 (NASB)

 

I understand that this can be a very touchy area.  I also understand that Christ living in us will outshine anything else, and when our children do face those tough times in life, our consistency and faithfulness to Him is what will hold firm.  We must also understand that we cannot control others- that should never be our focus.  Our focus must remain on dying daily to our flesh and trusting God to be faithful to His Word.

Correcting Our Children

Even in their innocence, kids learn at a very young age how to use, and often, manipulate their parents to advance themselves somehow.  This may happen intentionally, or it may be the indirect cause of the parents.  Phrases such as “Mommy says” or “Daddy does” should not be the deciding factor in how we parent when they are in our care.  When times like these occur, we must be first to correct our children, and then to correct the other parent (if need be) in a very positive way.  I’m not going to lie.  In my own life my daughter’s mother and I do not see eye to eye in a lot of areas. However, I have noticed that my daughter can be very good at twisting things around too, even conjugating up scenarios that did not happen or not in the way she described.  It has taken several of these instances and some discernment to know when she is telling the truth and when she is not.  If I perceive what she is telling me does not match up with other times, stories, or what I know to be true, then I must correct her in the proper way- even if it means siding with her mom. 

“To slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always gentle toward everyone.” –Titus 3:2 (NIV)

Parents, the above verse is one that should be on top of all of our minds when our kids come to us as I mentioned above.  Sure, we could use these moments as opportunities to slam the other parent and “really show them what mom/dad is like”.  It would be a great way to vent.  If we do slam the other parent, it is only going to do more long-term damage to our kids as opposed to being, as Paul states, “gentle toward everyone”.   Correct if need be, but do it in a way as if you will be standing before God one day and explaining what happened- because we all will be. 

Correcting Ourselves

Single parents are not always single.  We date, sometimes even get married.  Despite our situation and relationship with our children’s mother or father, how we handle our own relationships in life are just as crucial for training our kids up in Christ as the other corrections we have already discussed.  To be clear, I am NOT a dating doctor, so we won’t even go there, ok?  I am simply using this final point to make sure that we stay keen to our own actions as well and not allow the enemy to blind us by thinking that WE are the ones who have it together always- not them.  We could make a case for multiple other scenarios of how we can get knocked off track too, but I’m sticking with our personal relationships for now since they carry some big weight in our lives.  Here are a few quick examples of how we can fall into the trap of self-righteousness and miss the mark in our own walk when it comes to a significant other:

1.     We refer to our significant other as our children’s father or mother when the biological is still in the picture.

 

2.     We make decisions based on flesh and not God’s Word when it comes to our personal lives, such as living/sleeping together when we’re not married, not stewarding our bodies for God’s purposes, and using the whole “Do as I say and not as I do” attitude. 

 

3.     We slam our sons or daughter’s other parent to them.  This not only creates bitterness and a hardened heart within us, but it may also create false beliefs in our kids and our partner as well.

 

Listen to Jesus’ words in Matthew 12:34: “You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak what is good? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart.” (NASB) 

When we allow the pitfalls of bitterness, animosity, or hurt to cloud our better judgment, we lose focus of our responsibilities as a parent, and possibly- our personal relationship with Jesus.  Trust me; I am COMPLETELY aware of how sensitive a topic our children are to us, especially when it comes to the other parent or a third party.  The point is, as Jesus points out, is to guard our heart and not allow the black tentacles of sin to wrap around it.  It is easier to judge someone else than it is to die to self through humility.  Keep your heart soft through a consistent relationship with the Lord.  Allow Him to correct you if need be.  Then, apply your walk through God’s Word to other necessary corrections in you and your kids’ lives.  Remember, the refining process isn’t always fun when we are going through it, but the end result is pure gold!

2013 Grand Rapids Single Parenting Expo

The second annual Grand Rapids Single Parenting Expo is just over a month away.  There is NO cost to attend, and is open to everyone- not just single parents.  For more information, click the link below:

http://afwevents.blogspot.com/2012/10/second-annual-grand-rapids-single.html

Bringing Dinner Back Where it Belongs

“…your children like olive plants around your table.”

–Psalm 128:3 (NASB)

 It is a Friday night- 8:18pm.  As I sit typing this, the dishwasher hums and jingles as it runs; my daughter lies in the living room playing with the cats when she should be trying to sleep; and me?  I’m exhausted.  So it goes in the everyday life of a single parent.  The house needs to be cleaned, I have a million things on my mind, and my own personal alone time is virtually null lately.  Yet, there is a calm and peace- a warmth over this apartment.  I know the Lord is residing with us tonight.  It has been a long week and now it’s time to relax and enjoy a weekend with my little girl.  Tonight was sort of on the fly.  Dinner consisted of a frozen pizza, rice, carrots, and water.  Not exactly a 4-course gourmet meal, but it did fine.  You are probably wondering “Where are you going with all of this, Matt?”  Well, the idea for this article was just laid upon my heart less than an hour ago.  You see, as we were eating, my daughter proceeded to tell me almost an entire week’s worth of school occurrences in a matter of minutes.  Given the condition I’m currently in, it would have been so easy to write this off as normal babbling and tell her to hurry up and eat so we can get ready for bed.  Thank God I actually picked up on this ever so slight, but priceless and meaningful moment.  These are the times we should be living for as parents, times I’m sure slip by more often than they should.  So what is so important about eating together as a family?  Tons. 

 If you noticed in the opening scripture, the psalmist made it a point to include the words around your table in the verse.  What does dinner time look like in your household?  From my own experiences and hanging out with other single parents, I understand that dinner can be anything from pizza on the go to a fast food drive through.  It may even be considered as letting the kids go in the living room and watch a movie while they eat so we can get caught up around the house.  Sound familiar?  It does to me- because that’s the way I handled many meals in the past.  I never grasped the magnitude of what it means to bring dinner back to where it belongs: at the dinner table.  Studies have shown that when families do eat together, the children are less likely to engage in self-destructive activities such as drinking, drugs, and sex.  They are more likely to increase school performance, be healthy, and have higher self-esteem. (Webmd.com)  I even had one lady tell me that asking questions as simple as “How was school today?” can have an incredible impact on future academic growth.  Although every single one of these factors carries tremendous weight, I still believe it goes beyond that.  Thinking back to tonight as I listened to my daughter talk, I realized not only how passionate she is about life- but how well she perceives it already too.  She was literally breaking down something that happened in gym this week and told me just how it should be handled.  Funny thing is, I agreed with her.  “Wow” I thought to myself, “I learned something about her tonight.”  I honestly cannot tell you the last time I did that.  Yes, we get to know our children as they grow, but when is the last time you actually learned something about your son or daughter?  Again, subtle but powerful moments that often seem to vanish as quickly as they appear. 

 We need to slow down.  Our world is already chaotic enough and in many ways, the family structure has been destroyed because of this.  God instructs us to “be still” in His Word.  Our personal time with Christ will set the stage for what our time with our kids looks like.  If we only get our quiet time with Him in when we can, then we produce the same with our families.  Jesus tells us in Luke 6:38 , “For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (NIV)  Don’t let that happen in your home.  If necessary, begin to make the changes today to enjoy sit down meals as a family.  Shut the cell phones and TV off for a while.  Ask questions and laugh with each other.  Create memories now that will last for generations.  When you do, then your children WILL grow- just like a bunch of little olive plants around your table. 

With that being said, all is quiet in my house now.  The dishes are done; my daughter is sound asleep; and I am going to bed grateful and content.  God’s grace in my life allowed me to step away from myself long enough tonight to catch just a glimpse of how He sees us every single day. 

Sphere of Influence

“He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it.”

-Clarence Kelland (In regards to his own father)

 

I recently sent out the following question via Facebook and text message:
What person(s) has been the greatest influence in your life…and why?

 

I received an even twenty responses, and they were all over the board.  Here are some of the findings:

Out of the 20 individuals that responded, 9 (45%) listed their father/parents as their number one most influential person(s) in their life.

Of those 9 people, all of them are Christians.

5 others that did not list their dad as #1 most influential are Christians anyways.

Other answers included: Wife, Mentors/Pastors, No one, and even Stalin & Sun Tzu.  Sadly, one young man recalled walking to the bar when he was 16 years old to ask his dad when he was coming home. 

 It should also be noted that out of those that responded, only a handful were under the age of 30 years old.  Although I am exceptionally pleased to see that such a high (I wish higher) percentage of the responses listed dad/parents as #1, I am also a bit wary that today’s generation of children, teens, and young adults are not as fortunate.  They are growing up in a completely different world than many of us did.  I recently stated, “Today’s youth have more pressure on them than ever before and parents are more disconnected from their kids than ever as well.”  All of this can add up to potential disaster if we as fathers (and parents in general) do not intervene.  So what can be done to help ensure our kids grow up living strong and balanced lives?  Here are a few helpful tips:

 

1.     If you don’t already, bring your children to church with you!  The Swiss did a study in 1994 and the results were staggering: In short, if mom only brings the children to church, only 1 in 50 will become a regular worshipper.  If dad goes to church regularly, despite mom’s devotion that number jumps to between two-thirds and three-quarters of the children will become (regular or irregular) churchgoers.  Even if dad goes to church irregularly, the number of children attending church as an adult still remains above 50%. 

 

2.     Get involved in their life.  I had a meeting with a lady not too long ago than runs an inner-city program for making sure a child’s primary educator is their parents.  Sure, school is essential for academic growth, but if we aren’t involved as well, our sons and daughters intellectual growth may be stunted.  She even told me that it makes a WORLD of difference just by asking something as simple as how was their day at school and talking about it.  Know who their friends are and where they are hanging out at.  Stay involved in extracurricular activities and by all means- monitor their cell phone and internet usage!  Safe and protective boundaries create a world of security they need.

 

3.     Spend time doing nothing.  Seriously, when is the last time you just “chilled” with your kids, no matter how old they are?  We live in such a crazy, fast-paced world that even our own relationships and responsibilities suffer sometimes.  Get “unplugged” for a bit.  In other words, go out and experience the great big wide world God has set out before us to explore!  Check out the park, zoo, and woods.  Build a snowman or tree fort.  If you elect to stay inside, draw, color, do arts and crafts, or even just sit and waste away an entire afternoon talking.  No matter what, use the time wisely, because moments and times like these quickly pass on by.  You can also look up my blog on November 26^th, 2011 entitled “Play Time Under Attack?”  Here is a quote from Andy Rooney that sums this thought up wonderfully: “I’ve learned…that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.”

 

Remember, God has called us fathers to be our children's number one leaders in every aspect of life.  For those of you who may not have children or even be a single mother, that by no means disqualifies you.  God works through us and other people in amazing ways.  Some of the greatest leaders have come from some of the worse situations, and vice versa.  The important point to remember is that apart from Jesus we can do nothing, but through Him we can do all things!

 

Then our sons in their youth will be like well-nurtured plants, and our daughters will be like pillars carved to adorn a palace. –Psalm 144:12 (NIV)

The Failures of Being a Single Father: Truth vs Lies

Brethren, I do regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. –Phil 3:13-14 (NASB)

As a single father myself, I can easily see where being a single parent can be considered synonymous with failure.  I mean, even in my own life I have basically put my daughter in a situation where she will not grow up with me in the home full time.  There will be weekends and events I want to take her to that may not happen because of parenting time; I do not have the opportunity to put her to bed every night and pray with her; and even recently- I enrolled her in intramural basketball and she will only get to play in the games every other Saturday.  All because of my own selfishness, the fact that I gave in to lustful flesh and had a child out of wedlock.  I am such a loser. 

STOP!!!  That is the way I used to see myself: as an unfit dad with a life that was barely holding together.  That is, until I had a personal encounter with Jesus Christ and He began to not only restore me, but build me into a better father (I’m saying this EXTREMELY humbly, by the way) than I could have ever imagined.  I now see challenges as opportunities and trials as tests to grow in my faith.  Has life gotten any easier since I came to Christ?  Not really.  However, I am now more equipped than ever to handle the tough times and die to self to become more like Him.  Let’s look into this.   

In general, I would say the majority of single dads are the noncustodial parent- that is, mom has primary physical custody.  This may or may not be the case in your life, but even we dads with 50/50 parenting time are still experiencing loss on a regular basis.  I also learned that NO ONE is a perfect parent, and we will all fail our kids one way or another- big or small.  Now, I definitely do not want to focus on the negatives, so I will draw from the few personal examples I gave above to help you discern between the truth God speaks to us daily and the lies our enemy so delicately (or not) likes to slip in our minds constantly as well. 

Jesus called Satan the “father of lies” in John 8:44.  There is no truth in our adversary.  He either lies completely, or takes the truth and twists about- as he did in Matthew 4:6.  He is very slick at getting to our minds and can be quite successful if we are not standing on a solid foundation in Christ.  Even then, we must constantly pursue the Lord through prayer and Scripture to arm ourselves for battle.  Here are a few examples of situations you may regularly encounter as a single father, the lie that is presented to you, and the TRUTH behind it based on God’s Word. 

 

1.     I am not able to attend all of the events I would like to with my children because I don’t have them all of the time.

The Lie: “You are missing out on the fun and important times with your kids; and they are suffering because of you.”

The Truth: Ecclesiastes 9:10 states, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might…” (NIV)  My best friend said it perfectly when I first became a father and was facing parenting time challenges: “Even if you have her only one hour a week” he said, “make it THE BEST hour of her week!”  I’ve found over the years that it is not the quantity of time I spend with my daughter, but the quality.  So many parents miss this on a daily basis. 

 

2.     I’m not able to tuck my kids into bed and/or pray with them every night.

The Lie: “Because I’m not able to pray with my kids every night, they may not get as much Christian upbringing as they normally would if I was there full time.”

The Truth: “The righteous man walks in his integrity; his children are blessed after him.” –Prov 20:7 (NKJV). This is one that I struggled with for years.  Despite whatever is being taught at the other home, as fathers we still have spiritual authority over our kids and as Ezekiel 22:30 states, the ability to “stand in the gap” on behalf of them before the Lord.  Trust me, when we walk solid and they see it, it will have a greater impact on their lives than we may know. 

 

 3.     My child only gets to participate in some activities part time.

The Lie: “Your child can’t ever become fully involved in certain activities because of split custody arrangements.”

The Truth: “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” -2Cor 4:17-18 (NIV) As with any parents (married or not) with sons and daughters in sports and whatnot, scheduling is always a factor.  Even if you do place your child in recreational activities and custody time does not allow full participation, YOUR participation is what really matters. Look at it this way. What do you think is more important: a married father who rarely makes his son’s games or his daughter’s concerts, or a single dad who was there every opportunity he got? The latter is one of the eternal factors that will matter then most when our children are full grown. 

Possess Your Vessel

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor…” -1Thess 4:3-4 (NKJV) 

 

I was at a men’s conference this past weekend.  One of the topics a pastor spoke about was the title of this blog: “Possess Your Vessel”.  Now, I really don’t think I need to go into detail of what that phrase means for us men, it should be pretty clear given the context it is used in.  As men of God, we are called to be the leaders and protector of multiple areas for God’s purpose.  Unfortunately, one of the areas we struggle in the most as a whole and individually are the area of stewarding our own bodies- one part in particular. 

You know the story in Genesis: God created woman to be with man.  Marriage and sex were God’s ideas- to be used within His statutes and for Him to be honored with.  We were created to enjoy intimacy with the opposite sex, all within the bounds of marriage.  Then along came the fall of man, sin entered the world, and sexual perversion has dominated in many ways since.  UNTIL!!!  The blood of Jesus Christ was shed on the Cross- bringing us back into right relationship with God and giving us the power to be freed from sin once again.  Still, we struggle.  Overcoming and domination of the flesh is a constant process, no matter your maturity level in your walk with Christ.  Our job as men, however, is to recognize the strengths and ordaining the Lord has put upon us to be such overcomers. 

Whether your struggle is with premarital or extramarital sex, pornography, or other forms of lust, it all is a major roadblock in keeping us from reaching our full potential in Christ.  What must you do to “possess” your own vessel- to take full dominion over your body?  It all starts with surrender and submission DAILY to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.  I have a friend that was just recently married.  He and his fiancée did it right- they waited until marriage to be intimate with each other and married as virgins.  Although I will never have the opportunity to present myself to my bride in such a pure manner, I (and you) have the opportunity to do the best with what we have, and if you haven’t already, begin your journey for sexual purity immediately.  I asked my friend last year “Isn’t it hard abstaining?  Don’t you ever wonder what it would be like to have sex or be intimate with a woman?”  His reply?  “No, because it’s not an option.”  Wow!  I don’t think I can really describe what that phrase has meant to me since I first heard it.  What a perfect example of being submitted to God’s sovereignty.  I have used that phrase several times since with other men. 

Men of God, the foundation has been laid, the blueprint has been written, and we are equipped with everything we need to take back full control to steward our bodies and build these temples for God’s glory.  The question is, “Are you ready to begin the rebuilding process?”

 

“Walk in the Spirit and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” –Gal 5:16 (NKJV)

Buried in Sin

And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them.  For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret.  But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light.  Therefore He says: “Awake you who sleep, arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light.” –Eph 5:11-14 (NKJV)

I recently read a disturbing article about Arnold Schwarzenegger and his utter lack of compassion for having multiple secrets (including several affairs- one which produced a son) during his marriage to Maria Shriver.  It seems the Terminator was able to disguise having open heart surgery, and even kept running for governor a secret until the time came to begin campaigning.  The end of the article is what got me the most though.  Arnold was quoted as saying, “Dwelling on it, like some people do, you know, years later say, ‘Oh yeah, I lost this, and I will never forget that.  I’m still suffering.’  No, that’s not me,” he said.  “I don’t suffer over anything that I’ve lost.”

What I conclude out of that statement is a reality that many of us endure on a regular basis: when we are walking in sin and completely separate ourselves from God’s forgiveness, we become completely numb to it, but yet still understand its devastating effect on our life.  As individuals created in God’s image, anything outside of His Word in our daily walk is foreign to us.  Yet, due to the fall of mankind thousands of years ago, most people are still unwilling to repent and turn from their sin and come back into reconciliation with God through the blood of Jesus Christ. (Romans 5:11, 19) 

If you know anything about Arnold, you may recall that one of his nicknames back in the day was “The Oak”.  Well, check out these verses from Isaiah: “Surely you will be ashamed of the oaks which you have desired, and be embarrassed at the gardens which you have chosen.  For you will be like an oak whose leaf fades away or as a garden that has no water.  The strong man will become tinder, his work a spark.  Thus they shall both burn together and there will be none to quench them.” –Isaiah 1:29-31 (NASB)

I really don’t think that passage could have been written any more perfectly for this topic!  Despite all of his physical strength, fame, and fortune- Arnold has been left in spiritual ruins.  If in fact today you are walking in unconfessed sin, I pray you will not follow the same course, but rather, plant your roots in the living water of salvation through Christ, expose your sin, and grow into the mighty man or woman of God you were created to be!